Come along and ride on the f--k-tastic voyage. Forgive the ammo, but these are humor-filled tales of misadventures in Slovakia. From November to March 1 of 2020, yours truly drank much, fought some, remained lost, hurt much, fell a lot, locked myself out of hostels and trains. Fell down several occasions amid the tall Tatra Mountains.

You will discover a new Jabba the Rut (Hut) my boss. We give him the codename Copper Member. He does not pay, insults you, and drinks 15 beers three times a week. His cohort recruiter is Mas, who is not corny but is built like a wall. I mask their identities to prevent lawsuits. We will take the piss out of them, as they did me many times.

We will lose our way in towns across Slovakia. From the far western town of Nitra to the town Humanee near Ukraine. We will drink moonshine, boaravechka, wood-finished vodka, sugar butter vodka, hot wine, and the slap-your-mother’s-mouth taste of Tatra Tea. Our job is to teach English, but this is akin to OJT (on the John or job training).

We will learn more from the brilliant but boisterous students of Slovakia. In gymnasiums (we will call them gyms for short) or high schools in this mysterious country, I call these students the Princes of the Rings. We will visit bars and villages and look up at the misty morning dewdrops from the Tatra Mountains. As we wander through the curvy narrow sidewalks, we wonder at how vineyards grow along mountain sides. Towns like Modra and Bratislava are home to some of the best wine in Europe. The uncombed vines of Black Alder and Sessile Oak trees provide cover over much of the sloped hills and mountains. All towns sit in innocent valleys with train lines providing the arteries of transportation.

This is not a paid tourist travel blog. This four-month perdition’s best times are in the classrooms with students who speak three or four languages. The norm mishaps occur outside the classroom. Through the intermittent tired trains, in the bumpy swerving buses, or competing in the Indy 50 with crazed taxi drivers, it is f--k-tastic!