Contains books one and two of the Attempted Vampirism series: Attempted Vampirism and Attempted Adventuring.

Timothy Walter Bolton - better known as Timmy - has spent most of his life as a necromancer. When he isn't terrorising his enemies, he's plotting inside his castle, which is built on top of lightless chasms filled with nameless horrors and beings of a generally malevolent and megalomaniacal nature. But after one of his latest creations, a zombie hydra-dragon-bear, tries to eat him, he decides that maybe it's time to find a new, less dangerous, career.

Are you being attacked by a pissed-off unicorn? Has an angry basilisk slithered into your camp? Is a dragon about to eat you? If you answered yes to any of these questions, then this book is for you. Our world is full of monsters. Some of them are happy to live and let live, but the majority of them are vicious jerks. If you want to survive, then you need to know what to do when things go wrong. Don't settle for speculation or the ramblings of a tavern drunk. Get the facts about monsters straight from a legendary hero who has fought just about all of them.

Simon is the best delivery boy that Mr Edwards’s restaurant has ever had. He’s on time every time, and he’s gotten nothing but good reviews. But he needs more money. His mother’s medical treatment won’t pay for itself, and his father is already working three jobs to try to make ends meet. But it might just be his lucky day: Mr. Edwards has another job for him. It’s more delivery work, but not the usual kind. You might even say that it’s out of this world. Oh well. Beggars can’t be choosers, and the pay is fantastic.

Gabe Skelter has a temper, which he likes to imagine has the effect of causing people to fear and respect him. On the contrary, his pudgy, underdeveloped body and negative personality make him more your standard outcast teenager. Worse still, he kinda knows what a jerkweed he actually is. Then, in the middle of a class trip, Gabe finds himself spirited away to Regaia: a world of magic, mayhem, and nerd-tastic adventure. Naturally, he’s completely ill-prepared. But in this realm, he’s a monstrous, muscular man of action.