As a parent or someone in a parenting role, you play a crucial role in your child’s/teen’s success. There are intentional ways to grow a healthy parent-child relationship. Teaching your child/teen to repair harm is a terrific opportunity.

Your support in growing the skill of repairing harm can help your child/teen develop social awareness -- “the ability to understand the perspectives of and empathize with others, including those from diverse backgrounds, cultures, and contexts.”^1 They’ll develop relationship skills as they learn how to mend hurt feelings in friendships or with coaches, teachers, and caregivers. They’ll also exercise responsible decision making, or “the ability to make caring and constructive choices about personal behavior and social interactions across diverse situations,” learning that their choices cause a reaction or outcome which can harm others or themselves.”^1 These skills grow your child’s/teen’s sense of responsibility, while improving your relationship.

Some parents and those in a parenting role feel that if they do not impose punishments, their child/teen will not understand that their behavior is inappropriate. When a child/teen is punished, they often feel scared, humiliated, and hurt. This overwhelming fear or hurt impacts their relationship with you while failing to teach them the appropriate constructive behavior and build a skill. Your child/teen will likely miss the lesson you want to emphasize and feel unsafe.

Punishment often leads to more poor choices. A vicious cycle begins in which a child/teen feels bad about themselves and repeats the behaviors that are expected of a “bad child.” Parents and those in a parenting role need to learn to actively support their child/teen in repairing harm to interrupt this cycle.

Children/teens ages 11-14 will naturally make mistakes, test limits, and break rules. And when they do, they only consider their impulses and desires and not how they might impact you or others. The prefrontal cortex, the part of the brain responsible for decision making and reasoning, fully develops once your child/teen is in their mid-twenties, so it is natural for children/teens to forget to pause before acting. Children/Teens require support and follow-through from parents and those in a parenting role to make things better. They need to understand that they always have another chance to repair harm. This skill is developed over time and requires a lot of practice.

Research confirms that children/teens are developing higher-order thinking skills like consequential thinking and linking cause to effect.^2 This directly impacts their school success and ability to take responsibility for their actions as they grow. Children/Teens need the guidance and support of caring adults to learn these skills.

Guidance on repairing harm can be challenging for many parents and those in a parenting role.^3 Instead of a quick, reflexive response like yelling, scolding, or punishing, repairing harm takes time, follow-through, and thoughtful consideration. Yet, it can become the most powerful teaching opportunity for your child/teen as they learn to take responsibility for their actions and understand how their choices impact others. As you utilize these teachable moments, your relationship with your child/teen will be enriched. The steps below include specific, practical strategies along with effective conversation starters.

When your eleven-year-old hides a failed test, your thirteen-year-old lies about going to a friend’s house without parental supervision, or your fourteen-year-old verbally fights with a neighbor, these situations are opportunities to provide guidance for repairing harm.

Today, in the short term, guidance for repairing harm can create

● a sense of confidence that you can help your child/teen heal hurt...

As a parent or someone in a parenting role, you play an essential role in your child’s//teen’s success. There are intentional ways to teach your child/teen to communicate well; working with them to transform disrespect is an excellent opportunity.

You can be purposeful and deliberate about how you respond when you feel your child/teen has shown disrespect through words or actions. Your child/teen may lash out with words when they feel powerless in an attempt to gain power. You must offer ways for your child/teen to gain power while expressing hurt or angry feelings in ways that demonstrate respect. Learning to respond to anger constructively requires all five social and emotional skills[1] : self-awareness, self-management, social awareness, relationship skills, and responsible decision making. Your reaction to your child/teen can help teach them constructive, healthy ways to be understood, seek and gain power, and respond to others respectfully when angry or upset.

Seeking power is a typical human need. Everyone desires control over their lives. Yet, children/teens may often feel they lack control over their circumstances, leading to frustration. One essential role parents or those in a parenting role can play is to educate their child/teen on positive ways to seek and use power. Parents or those in a parenting role often need to deal with their upset feelings, calming down before responding so that they react in ways that take advantage of the teachable opportunity.

Some parents or those in a parenting role feel that if they do not impose punishments, their child/teen will not understand that their behavior is inappropriate. When a child/teen is punished, they often feel scared, humiliated, and hurt. This overwhelming sense of fear or hurt impacts their relationship with you while also failing to teach them the appropriate behavior. Your child’s/teen’s sense of injustice and anger may increase. Most importantly, your child/teen is likely to miss the lesson you want to emphasize and feel unsafe.

Research confirms that when children/teens learn to identify, understand, and experience big emotions without feeling overcome, they can better manage their behavior, problem-solve, and focus their attention.^1 This directly impacts their school success and ability to follow the rules. Children/Teens need the guidance and support of caring adults to learn these skills.

Many parents or those in a parenting role find respect challenging. Approaching challenging, power-seeking words and actions as teachable moments that grow your child’s/teen’s skills can transform your relationship.

When your eleven-year-old yells that she hates you when frustrated with your “No” response or your thirteen-year-old intentionally creates a mess when angry, these situations are opportunities to transform disrespect.

Today, in the short term, transforming disrespect into learning how to use power and channel anger in healthy ways can create

● a sense of confidence that you can help your child/teen regain calm and focus

● a greater understanding in you of the connection between your child’s/teen’s feelings and their behaviors

● trust in each other that you have the competence to manage your intense feelings

● a growing understanding of rules and expectations

Tomorrow, in the long term, transforming disrespect helps your child/teen

● build skills in self-awareness, self-management, social awareness, relationships, and responsible decision making

● learn independence and...

As a parent or someone in a parenting role, you play a crucial role in your child’s/teen’s success. There are intentional ways to grow a healthy parent-child/teen relationship and ensure that your child/teen develops a healthy relationship with technology.

Technology use has become essential to your child’s/teen’s life and learning in school. It has the potential to play a role in:

● social and emotional development[1]

● language development

● academic learning

● connection to friends, family, and others

● empathy and understanding of others

● imagination

● ability to choose healthy behaviors (preventing high-risk behaviors and unhealthy choices)

Children/teens ages 11-14 are at the very beginning of their teen years and experiencing dramatic shifts with their bodies and emotions, entering puberty full force by age 11. Additionally, they’ll experiment with and learn social skills through forging and prioritizing friendships and peer opinions. They will create more independent relationships with teachers, coaches, and you while beginning or deepening their involvement in extracurricular activities like sports, music, or others.

Yet, technology can pose challenges. Most parents say parenting is more challenging than twenty years ago, and most point to technology as the primary reason.^1 71% of parents with children under 12 said they worry that their children spend too much time on screens. The same number of parents said they fear smartphones could harm their children/teens. Let’s take a deeper look at the screen time habits of this age group:^2

- 11-12-year-olds are on screens an average of five and a half hours per day, and 13-14-year-olds are on screens an average of eight and a half hours per day. Most of this screen time is spent on online video viewing accounts (with a smaller amount viewing YouTube);*

- Boys tend to be on screens longer than girls. ^2

- 38% of 11 and 12-year-olds are on social media.

Children and teens are highly stimulated by technology, and this is often where they connect with friends, so it can become a source of conflict when they need to disconnect and can take away time from family being together and growing intimate connections. Indeed, addiction can be a real threat as those jolts of happy hormones (dopamine) are fueled; infinite scrolling is the norm on social media, and games are programmed to keep them perpetually engaged. Daily, devices can take time away from other critical pursuits for their physical, social, emotional, and cognitive development, such as reading, playing outdoors, unstructured creative time, friend time, homework, and more. The kinds of content that a child/teen can view or stumble into online can range from mildly irritating to disturbing and dangerous, whether it involves repeated consumer messages, cartoon violence, graphic violence, or even pornography. Additionally, children and teens can encounter social aggression and bullying online and through social media, which can hurt uniquely since they can be more publicly exposed than most in-person incidents.

We know that growing a healthy relationship with technology requires regular conversations and a commitment from the whole family to become intentional about their use of technology, including appropriate boundaries and safety practices. Approach this topic with empathy and recognize that the devices and apps are designed to make the...

As a parent or someone in a parenting role, you play an essential role in your child’s/teen’s success. There are intentional ways to grow a healthy parent-child/teen relationship while building necessary listening skills in your child/teen.

Your child’s/teen’s success depends upon their ability to listen and understand what you and others are communicating. Listening skills can support your child’s/teen’s ability to engage in healthy relationships, focus, and learn. For example, children/teens must listen to their teacher if they follow directions and successfully navigate expectations at school. Not surprisingly, better listening skills are associated with school success.

Children/Teens ages 11-14 are carving out their identity, and their measuring stick is often their peers’ opinions and approval. They come to better understand themselves through interactions with you, their teachers, and their peers. This is a critical time to teach and practice listening skills.

However, everyone encounters difficulties in listening. With screens, such as mobile devices, captivating children and teens for hours each day, it's easy to overlook opportunities to engage with your child or teen and practice listening skills. Effective listening involves utilizing crucial skills such as impulse control, focused attention, empathy, and both nonverbal and verbal communication.

For parents or those in a parenting role, the key to many challenges, like building essential listening skills, is finding ways to communicate to meet your and your child’s/teen’s needs. The steps below include specific and practical strategies to prepare you for growing this vital skill.

Whether your eleven-year-old continues to play video games when you’ve told them screen time is over, or your fourteen-year-old daydreams during the teacher’s instructions and does not know how to do their homework, establishing regular ways to practice listening skills can prepare your child/teen for family, school, and life success.

Today, in the short term, teaching skills to listen can create

● greater opportunities for connection, cooperation, and enjoyment

● trust in each other that you have the competence to manage your relationships and responsibilities

● a sense of well-being and motivation to engage

● language and literacy fluency

Tomorrow, in the long term, working on effective listening skills with your child/teen

● develops a sense of safety, security, and a belief in self

● builds skills in self-awareness, self-management, social awareness, relationship skills, and responsible decision making

● deepens family trust and intimacy

This five-step process helps you and your child/teen cultivate effective listening skills, a critical life skill. The same process can also address other parenting issues (learn more about it)[1] .

Tip: These steps are best done when you and your child/teen are not tired or in a rush.

Tip: Intentional communication[2] and healthy parenting relationships[3] will support these steps.

You can get your child/teen thinking about listening skills by asking open-ended questions. You’ll help prompt your child’s/teen’s thinking. You’ll also better understand their...

As a parent or someone in a parenting role, you play an essential role in your child’s/teen’s success. There are intentional ways to grow a healthy parent-child relationship, and growing your child’s/teen’s skills to respectfully communicate provides an excellent opportunity.

Conflict happens in families between spouses, among siblings, and between parents and children/teens. Arguing in family life is typical. “Back talk” can be defined as “argumentative replies.”^1 Children/teens can respond in anger, hurt, frustration, hurtful tones, or with hurtful words. But back talk also represents a power imbalance children/teens are trying to rectify. Power, after all, is a basic human need. Children/teens ages 11-14 are growing their listening, empathy, assertive communication, and problem-solving skills. Growing your child’s/teen’s skills to respond in assertive but non-aggressive ways is essential to their success.

Anyone may face challenges with back talk. “You can’t tell me what to do!” your child/teen may exclaim in anger and frustration when you say “No” to an unsupervised party. Your child’s/teen’s responses can make you angry and upset. As your child/teen develops, they must test their limits and rules to internalize them. This can lead to arguments between you and your child/teen. They will also have evolving emotional needs and sometimes lack the communication skills necessary to ask for what they need. Using the steps below can help navigate this challenge with skill. These steps include specific, practical strategies and effective conversation starters to prepare you.

Whether your eleven-year-old is screaming, “I hate you!” or your fourteen-year-old is crying, “It’s all your fault!” when they fight with a friend, establishing healthy ways of responding to life’s most challenging moments is a vital skill your child/teen needs to thrive.

Today, in the short term, teaching skills to respond to disagreements in healthy ways can create

● greater opportunities for connection, cooperation, and enjoyment

● trust in each other, and

● a sense of well-being and motivation

Tomorrow, in the long term, teaching your child/teen effective ways to communicate their feelings and needs

● develops a sense of safety, security, and self-belief

● grows skills in self-awareness, self-management, social awareness, relationship skills, responsible decision-making, and

● deepens family trust and intimacy

This five-step process helps you and your child/teen communicate during your toughest, most emotional moments in ways that do not harm. It also grows essential critical life skills. The same process can also address other parenting issues (learn more about the process[1] ).

Tip: These steps are done best when you and your child/teen are not tired or in a rush.

Tip: Intentional communication[2] and healthy parenting relationships[3] will support these steps.

You can get your child/teen thinking about healthy ways to communicate by asking them open-ended questions. You’ll help prompt your child’s/teen’s thinking. You’ll also better understand their thoughts, feelings, and challenges related to how they feel when confronting them so that you can address them. In gaining input, your...

As a parent or someone in a parenting role, you play a valuable role in your child’s/teen’s success. There are intentional ways to grow a healthy parent-child relationship. Growing your child’s/teen’s skills to manage anger provides a terrific opportunity.

Children age 11-14 are still in the process of learning about their strong and changing feelings. They do not fully understand the physical and mental takeover that can occur when angry. While striving for more independence, the sense of a lack of control that anger can produce can frighten them, adding to the length and intensity of their upset. It might also humiliate them if they are mad in front of respected others like teachers, siblings, friends, or relatives. Learning how to deal with anger without suppressing it or expressing it by hurting others and themselves is critical. Your support and guidance matter greatly.

Research confirms that when children/teens learn to tolerate, manage, and express their feelings, it simultaneously strengthens their executive functioning skills.^1 They can better use self-control, solve problems, and focus their attention. This directly impacts their school success. However, the opposite is also true. Those children/teens who do not learn to manage their feelings through the guidance and support of caring adults may have attention issues and problem-solving difficulties.

Anger is not bad or negative. You should not avoid or shut down the experience of it. There’s a good reason for it. Everyone has experienced someone who has lost control and acted in ways that harmed themselves or others when angry. However, every feeling, including anger, serves a critical purpose. Anger provides essential information about who a person is, what emotional or physical needs are not getting met, and where their boundaries lie. Understanding this often misunderstood feeling is vital to helping your children/teens better understand themselves and learn healthy ways to manage their intense feelings.

Everyone can face challenges with feeling overcome by anger. Your child/teen may slam the bedroom door as they refuse to tell you what is happening and why they are so upset. You may also hear from a teacher that your child/teen has been aggressive or said something hurtful to another student. Anger may cover hurt, humiliation, fear, and stress. It may also mask guilt, shame, grief, or envy. Or, it could be the tip of an iceberg of a submerged mass of frustration. As a parent or someone in a parenting role, you play an essential role in helping your child/teen connect to a greater understanding of their experience as they learn to identify their feelings and needs better.

Whether your eleven-year-old breaks down in frustration over trying to complete math homework or your thirteen-year-old yells after not being allowed to attend an unsupervised party, anger, and its many accompanying feelings can become regular challenges if you don’t help your child/teen create plans and strategies for coping with and making space for these big emotions.

Today, in the short term, learning to manage anger can create

● a sense of confidence in your child/teen that they can regain calm and focus

● trust in each other that you and your child/teen have the competence to make space for a range of feelings in healthy ways and

● added daily peace of mind

Tomorrow, in the long term, your child/teen

● builds skills in self-awareness

● builds skills in self-control and managing feelings and

● builds assertive communication to communicate needs and boundaries critical for keeping them healthy and

As a parent or someone in a parenting role, you play an essential role in your child’s/teen’s success. There are intentional ways to grow a healthy parent-child relationship, and daily chores provide an excellent opportunity.

Chores allow your child/teen to play a role in contributing to the maintenance and care of your family’s household. Children/teens ages 11-14 are establishing lifestyle habits that will extend throughout their lifetime, whether making their beds in the morning, doing their dirty dishes, or cleaning up their games and supplies. Children/teens who do chores learn that part of being in a family contributes to the work and responsibilities of family life. When they pitch in, it creates a sense of autonomy, belonging, and competence.

Research has found that the best predictor of success in young adulthood can be directly traced back to whether a child began doing chores at an early age, as young as three or four.^1 But it’s never too late to begin! Another study linked children doing chores to positive mental health in their early adulthood.^2 Doing chores teaches a work ethic essential in helping children/teens persist toward any goal.

Yet, there are challenges. Children’s/teen’s schedules are busy. After school, your child/teen may have soccer practice, several hours of homework, and grand desires of seeing friends or playing outside. “Why do I have to take out the garbage cans? My friends don’t,” you may hear from your eleven-year-old. Whether cleaning up their room or setting the table for dinner, your child/teen may argue with you when they have other goals, like, “How can I socialize or game longer?”

The key to many parenting challenges, like chores, is finding ways to communicate to meet your and your child’s/teen’s needs. Daily chores are also a way for your child/teen to learn valuable skills like timeliness and responsibility. The steps below include specific, practical strategies and effective conversation starters to prepare you.

Whether asking your eleven-year-old to make their bed and turn off the lights each day or reminding your twelve-year-old to rinse the dishes and put them in the dishwasher after dinner, these can become your daily challenges if you don’t create regular routines. With input from your child/teen in advance, clear roles and responsibilities can be outlined alongside a well-established plan for success.

Today, in the short term, chores can create

● greater cooperation and motivation as you go about your daily tasks;

● greater opportunities for connection and enjoyment as you each implement your respective roles while feeling set up for success;

● trust in each other that you have the competence to complete your responsibilities with practice and care, and

● added daily peace of mind.

Tomorrow, in the long term, your child/teen

● builds skills in collaboration and cooperative goal-setting;

● builds skills in responsible decision-making, hard work, and persistence; and

● gains independence, life skills competence, and self-sufficiency.

This five-step process helps you and your child/teen establish routines and build essential skills. The same process can also be used to address other parenting issues (learn more about the process)[1] .

Tip: These steps are best done when you and your child/teen are not tired or in a rush.

Tip: Intentional communication

As a parent or those in a parenting role, you play an important role in your fourteen-year-old’s success. Supporting your teen in learning to understand and deal with bullying behavior is important for their success in and out of school. One in five children experiences bullying, which can come in the form of repeated name-calling, insults, rumors, taunting, social exclusion, or physical harm.^