John J. Beckley once said, “Most people don’t plan to fail, they fail to plan.” This can be applied to every area of life. No one wakes up in the morning and plans to fail. Every marriage has dreams and goals. The problems come when we fail to make a plan to make those dreams and goals a reality. Without a plan with intentional steps, most if not all, dreams and goals will go unaccomplished, and we don’t want that to happen in your marriage.

Join us for this episode as we give you a 4 Step Marriage Plan to help accomplish your goals and dreams.

Sit down with your spouse and dream together. Take as long as you need on this step. Some dreams come to mind instantly, but others often come with process time. Take a few days both together and separately to pray and think through what your dreams are for your marriage.

Why would we ask you to identify obstacles right after you have identified your dreams? So you can come up with strategies to overcome those obstacles. This is probably the most critical step in this process because we all have obstacles, and it is easy to get overwhelmed and give up when we come across one.

Once you have your dream, and the strategy for the obstacles, plot out your next steps together. These steps will be specific actions that will need to take place to accomplish the dream, and who is responsible for those actions.

Don’t assume you and your spouse are on the same page here. Be very specific in who is responsible for what, that way both of you can walk out the steps appropriately.

Now that you have the dream, and the steps to accomplish it, make it measurable. Set a deadline to have the dream accomplished, but make sure the deadline is feasible. For example, if your dream is to be debt free, but you can’t accomplish that dream in 6 months, don’t set a 6-month deadline.

Make your deadlines attainable. This will bring joy when the deadline is met, instead of frustration when it isn’t. Set yourself up for success.

You may have a lot of dreams and plans for your marriage. If that is the case, don’t get overwhelmed. You can only accomplish something one thing at a time. So pick a few dreams, accomplish them, and then pick some more and repeat.

The 10 Commandments for Blended Families

In the same way Jesus summarized the law and the prophets in two great commandments, so the 10CBF can be summarized in what I call the 2 Pillars:
1. Be the adult you want your child(ren) to become.
2. Remember the Golden Rule and treat others the way you want to be treated.

I. Communicate Well - Over communicate with all adults involved: choose a format/technology that works, and use it. When in doubt, communicate about it.

II. Always Show Respect - Be respectful, calm, and patient with everyone involved, even if
you’re the only one doing it.

III. Use Discernment - Learn to choose your battles very carefully: differentiate between
personal dislikes and ‘red flag’ issues.

IV. Give Way Graciously - Be willing to graciously give way on minor issues. Yes, this comes
with risk, but it’s still the right thing to do sometimes.

V. Choose to Believe the Best - Choose to believe the best about the other household, and be sure to celebrate and acknowledge it when you see it

VI. Express Genuine Gratitude - Be sure to show gratitude as often as possible whenever a joint agreement is reached, even on minor matters.

VII. Model Maturity and Wisdom - Remember every day that you are the adult, and your task is to model maturity and wisdom for your children. Your task is NOT to ‘win’, get revenge, or even get your own way.

VIII. Ask for Help - Get help before a frustration becomes a full-blown crisis. Ask for 3rd-party help from a counselor, pastor, neutral friend, or someone else that all parties are comfortable with.

IX. Use Discretion - Be careful about what you say to or in front of your children or others
outside your family. Work through your personal issues on your time, NOT in front of or by
involving the children.

X. Be Consistent - Be as consistent as possible at both (or all) houses in all areas of life. Also
remember that total consistency is impossible, even in traditional families.

Joel was educated at Covenant College, Joel Hawbaker is a former teacher and soccer
coach, now working in telecom sales when he’s not speaking with or coaching
blended families. He has two daughters from his first marriage, and he and his wife
Maryellyn recently celebrated their tenth anniversary. They have a toddler
daughter, and they are expecting their first son this October. The family lives in
Alabama with their two rescue dogs, Butterscotch and Bruiser. You can find more resources about blended families at...

• social media (Facebook, LinkedIn, Twitter, and IG:) @joelwhawbaker
• website (www.stepdadding.com)
• podcast (10CBF: A Podcast for Blended Families on Apple Podcasts)
• email: joel@joelwhawbaker.com

There are times when decisions must be made quickly, but this is not the norm. In most cases, we put unnecessary stress on ourselves and on our marriage by trying to make the decision as quickly as possible. Once you and your spouse have all the information and have had a chance to really talk about it, pause the conversation. Make an intentional decision to give yourself and your spouse some time to go through the next four steps to make a good decision.

In most situations, people spend the most time thinking about how they want to handle the situation. They are quick to dismiss anyone else’s opinion, and their spouse is no exception. However, if we are going to make a wise decision, one that will benefit our family the most, we must work together with our spouse.

Once both opinions have been communicated out, take some time to process the information. Weight your options to figure out what would be the best decision. This step can take as little or as much time as you need. The main thing here is to just make sure you have all the information to make the best decision you can.

This is the most important step of all. We need to be prayerful about the decisions that we need to make. The truth is God wants to be a part of our lives. He wants to be a part of the little decisions as much as He wants to be a part of the big ones.

The Word tell us in James 1:5 that if we lack wisdom we should pray and ask for it. We serve a good God who wants to give us good gifts and wisdom is definitely one of them. Praying together with your spouse is a great way to deepen your connection as husband and wife. There is something very special about hearing your spouse talk to God. It is a great reminder that they do have your best interest at heart and want to do what is right for their families.

If praying is not something that you and your spouse do often check out The Greater than 11Prayer Challenge. There are so many benefits to praying together with your spouse, and this challenge will help you become intentional about praying together every day.

The final step is acting on the decision you have made. If you take the time to really go through these steps with your spouse, you will be in a much better position to make a wise decision, even if it’s a hard one.

The best-case scenario is you and your spouse come to a full agreement through this process and you can proceed together. However, I have found that in the moments where the full agreement does not come, there is still a peace. If I know that Alex has really thought about and prayed about something, it is easier for me to trust him even if I am not in full agreement. I can do this because I fully trust he has my best interest at heart, he has spoken to the Father about it, and he would never make a decision that would intentionally hurt us.

Whether or not you come out on the same page or not, I can promise you that if you use these five steps in a positive way, they will bring you closer to each other. A trust and deepen connection will form between you and your spouse.

Try to wait and only make a hard decision after you have been able to eat and rest. This is just something Alex and I have realized in our own personal lives. We do not make the best decisions if we are tired or hungry. Once we have gotten some food and some rest, we are in a much better place to make wise decisions. In fact, we are just able to communicate better as a whole after a good meal and some rest.

www.abeautifuladventuremarriage.com

Hello friends and welcome to the A Beautiful Adventure Marriage podcast. On our last episode, we gave you 6 out of 12 things that every marriage should avoid to be healthy and happy. We discussed…

1. Constant Criticism and Belittling

2. Being Secretive and Lying

3. Silent Treatment

4. Holding Grudges

5. Confiding Too Much in Others

6. Giving Ultimatums

These are in no order but they all are equally damaging to a relationship.

In this episode we are back for part 2. We have 6 more things that every marriage should avoid. So Alex let’s dive in…

Disrespect and Name Calling

Conflict is inevitable and arguments will happen in marriage. Although these moments will happen you and your spouse can still maintain a level of composure.

One way you can show respect is by choosing your words wisely. Name-calling is detrimental to a relationship. It’s a level of disrespect that will slowly and effectively destroy a marriage.

Unfaithfulness

Let marriage be held in honor among all, and let the marriage bed be undefiled, for God will judge the sexually immoral and adulterous. Hebrews 13:4

When you say, “I do”, you are committing solely to be with one person for the rest of your life. Regardless of the uniqueness of every marriage, sleeping with someone else is wrong and will bring nothing but damage to your marriage. God intended marriage to be between one man and one woman. Marriage in itself is a ministry, but only when we honor our vows by remaining faithful to God and each other.

Putting Children/Others Before Your Spouse

In Biblical order, our spouse comes before everyone but God. However, there are a lot of people who get this one out of order. So Biblical order is God, Spouse, Children, everything else. This means no one should come before your spouse except God, and that includes children, friends, and family.

This is not to say that you do not love those people well, it just means they are not your number one priority 100% of the time.

Using Sex as a Weapon

Do not deprive one another, except perhaps by agreement for a limited time, that you may devote yourselves to prayer; but then come together again, so that Satan may not tempt you because of your lack of self-control. 1 Corinthians 7:5

Within a marriage sex is a gift. It was given to us by a good God. Because sex is so important in a marriage it should never be used as a weapon. We should avoid withholding sex from our spouses to punish them or teach them a lesson.

For the people who use this tactic, thing about this… sex is a gift that God gave us specifically for the marriage relationship. When you use it as a weapon, you are taking God’s gift and using it for evil. Nothing and I meant absolutely NOTHING will come out of manipulating someone like that.

Never Spending Time Together

Marriage can be so much fun. You get to do life with your best friend. However, that particular bond cannot form if you and your spouse never spend time together. A packed schedule can be a threat to a marriage. If you have absolutely no free time to spend time with your spouse, your marriage will suffer in the long run.

Always Avoid Abuse

Although some of the things mentioned are forms of abuse, we still wanted to take a
moment and emphasize that all abuse is wrong. Not only should we avoid abuse, it should not be tolerated in a marriage at all.

There are so many different forms of abuse that it would be impossible to name them all. However, if you find yourself in a position where physical, verbal, or emotional abuse is present please get help. Please do not stay in a dangerous environment. That is not normal, and you do not desire that!

For sure, marriage can be a beautiful thing, but it won’t be if the things mentioned above or other abuse are happening! It may take some work to change things around, but your marriage is worth it!

www.abeautifuladventuremarriage.com

In our last podcast, we gave you 5 ways to reconstruct your marriage if it was going through a hard season. However, your marriage could be in a really good place, but there are still things you and your spouse want to accomplish. When it comes to reconstructing your marriage or just continuing to make it better, you need to have a plan.

So join us for this episode where we will teach you how to set SMART goals for your marriage.

And the Lord answered me, and said, Write the vision, and make it plain upon tables, that he may run that readeth it. Habakkuk 2:2

If you are listening to us right now, my prayer is that you want to invest in your marriage and you want to set some attainable goals. With the information we have for you we believe you can set both short-term and long-term goals that you can achieve and grow your marriage.

When you are setting your goals do not make them vague. If you do it will be hard to figure out if you have indeed accomplished them. The more specific you can be the better. That way you will know exactly what you are working toward, and you will know exactly when you achieve it.

By making your goal measurable it will be easier to track. You will be able to see your progress which will keep you moving forward until you achieve it. If you can’t measure your progress, you can become frustrated when it seems nothing is happening. Frustration can lead you into giving up entirely.

Make sure you are working toward a goal that is possible. Now that is not to say that the goal can’t be challenging. Some goals will take a lot of work to accomplish and that is perfectly fine. Great fulfillment will come when you accomplish a goal that took effort. Just be sure that regardless of the challenge that it can be attained. If you set a goal that is impossible, you are just giving the enemy a weapon to use against you.

When setting goals, be honest with yourself. You know what you and your spouse are capable of in this season. Set goals that are relevant and realistic for the season that you are in. As the seasons of your life and marriage change, your capacity will change as well, but start where you are and work from there. We all have different starting lines. Find yours and set yourself up for success.

Give each goal its own deadline. Some will be short-term goals that can be checked off the list quickly. Others may take months or even years to accomplish. Give each goal a realistic time frame and then work toward that.

Commit your work to the Lord, and your plans will be established. Proverbs 16:3

When we take the time to set SMART goals, it will make our lives so much easier. When we have a plan it is always easier to execute it. But let’s not forget the most important step… include the Father. Pray about these goals. Asking the Lord to reveal to you what it is He wants you both to accomplish in your marriage, and also ask Him to help you as you and your spouse go through the whole process.

The Lord not only has given you goals and dreams to achieve but He wants to be a part of it all. Don’t think you have to do this on your own. He is here and wants to help you and your spouse accomplish great things.

www.abeautifuladventuremarriage.com

Statistics say that couples who pray together every day lower their divorce rate to under 1%. However, only 11% of couples are praying together. For this reason, Alex and I started the Greater than 11 Prayer Challenge, where we are encouraging couples to pray together for 31 days, in hopes that this will develop habits of prayer in their marriage, thereby lowering the divorce rate, by making the number of couples praying greater than 11.

In this episode, we are going to be talking about the power of prayer in a marriage but we have a special guest for you. We will be talking to Chris and Jamie Bailey. They are marriage counselors and coaches, and they founded Expedition Marriage. Their mission is to help every marriage, regardless of what season it is in to find joy, satisfaction, connection, and restoration.

They will be sharing some of their story and experience with prayer. This one is going to be a good one. So, let’s go!

You can find Chris and Jamie at www.expeditionmarriage.org

www.abeautifuladventuremarriage.com

Hello friends, and welcome back!

So if you are listening to us right now. I am assuming you have already listened to part 1 of 5 Ways to Reconstruct a Marriage where we gave you the first two ways to get your marriage out of a hard season.

Even though there are a lot of ways you can invest in your marriage to get it out of a bad season, we believe these 5 ways work really well in the order we are presenting them, so if you haven't listened to part 1 head on over there and we will be here when you get back!

Part 2 of 5 Ways to Reconstruct Your Marrage

Repair

After you have removed the negative things in your marriage, you will likely need to repair the damage those areas caused.

The first things that will need to be repaired will probably be forgiveness and grace.

During hard seasons grace is hard to maintain, especially if forgiveness is not present. However, a marriage without grace will not succeed. It will not go the distance.

And remember, it’s ok to get help! You do not have to do this on your own.

Even after you have reestablished grace and forgiveness there may be other areas in your marriage that need more repairs than you both can handle. In these cases, don’t be ashamed to get help. If it just seems too hard, get a therapist or a pastor to help you repair your marriage.

Revive

Now is the time to start doing things that will revive your marriage. After you have taken out what has caused the problems, and you have started to repair the broken areas, it’s time to invest in your marriage in ways that will build it back up.

You can refer back to the questions you answered from the reset step about what would benefit your marriage to get started with this step. 

Making investments in your marriage should be something that you do for the rest of your life. When it comes to a relationship you can never be passive and expect a good outcome. Try to find daily, weekly, monthly, and yearly ways to revive your marriage. 

Rediscovery

The final step in this process is to start rediscovering your spouse Whether you have been married for days or years. There is always something new you can learn about them that you didn’t know. 

There are tons of ways you can start rediscovering your spouse.

The main way is to go on dates and simply ask questions. It's amazing where an open conversation can go.

 Another way to learn something new is to take a personality test. You can find out the way the Lord wired you and your spouse by taking a few tests like Meyers Briggs, the Enneagram, and the Temperaments test. We have taken all of these and have learned so much about each other.

 www.abeautifuladventuremarriage.com