The winter holiday season can be a time of joy and celebration for some, and for those with histories of trauma and neglect, it may very well be a time of particular pain and loneliness. Where I live there is a (to me) overblown culture of consumerism and consumption, with great emphasis put on buying and giving things, gifts.

For those of us with histories of trauma and neglect, or the specific trauma of poverty, there may be even more distorted meanings around giving and getting.

I always somehow imagined or dreamed that I would get something really special that would show me I was special, that I was worth something; or that I might be sufficiently known to receive something I would like.

Giving gave me a way to at least for a minute, feel appreciated, even if it was not really me that was appreciated, but the material gift.

Giving and receiving can be particularly fraught for survivors of neglect. That is the theme of this week's video.

Finally, few words about hope:

I had the privilege of going to hear revolutionary icon Angela Davis speak. She is now 82. Davis was a champion of the US Black Power Movement of the 1970's. It meant a lot to me that she of all people, is hopeful!

Best wishes of the season to all!

And hope for the year to come!

Amidst the buzz about sex that seems to always be around, for many of us, your clients may be wondering about their own lackluster sex lives, their partners having "lost interest," or accusing them of losing interest. They may be wondering "what is wrong with me?" Or what is wrong with my partner?" Or what is "normal."

Those with a neglect history, who never had anyone to ask or talk to about even their pubescent changing bodies, may be full of questions that they may never ask. Admittedly this may be true for us personally.

There are many reasons for the missing or lost spark. It may be an expression of the dysregulated, hypo-aroused neglect survivor's brain; developmental age-related bodily changes, or misconceptions about desire in the first place. Shame and prevailing myth, keeps people from speaking to or asking even their own partners. Similarly, one may wonder about their own or their partners' seemingly insatiable or extreme appetites for both quantity and sexual activity.

This week's video breaks the silence about a very large topic.

It is a challenging time of year for those with neglect and incident trauma histories. The winter holidays of any denomination may be fraught with family memories of all kinds...disappointment, feeling outcast or different, or more traumatic episodes.

In the US it is a time of great commotion, consumerism, and congestion. Pressure to have happy families to have happy celebrations with, lots of buying and giving and eating...these pressures on top of already existing difficulties.

It is not fitting with the "Norman Rockwell" idyllic image of a harmonious, white, nuclear family with a beautiful tree and lots of presents. All this may result in feelings of shame, envy and grief.

Oy vey!

My husband and I choose to feel the whole thing, and head for someplace warm and quiet.

Another insidious experience for many, the now better understood "anniversary reaction" phenomenon. The body/nervous system seems to have an uncanny additional sense or calendar where it registers the approach of a fraught time of trauma. One's reactivity seems to ramp up for no apparent reason.

If you find yourself feeling more reactive, irritable or out of sorts at this time of year, you are not alone.

That is our topic this week.

Do take heart. As ever, the more trauma processing we do, the easier things get over time.

Next week is the Thanksgiving holiday here in the US, never a favorite of mine. For an anorexic kid, it was a true nightmare. I always thought of it as “the great American eating holiday.” There was no escaping all that food, that I did not even like. Now it is more an ideological distaste as it celebrates a fictitious harmony of colonial and Indigenous people breaking bread together, hardly the history as I understand it. However, I am all about any celebration of gratitude, and I am certainly grateful to have food, certainly not to be taken for granted in these times.

A couple of weeks ago I had the good fortune to meet Trish McOrmond through a webinar I gave. Trish, a sociologist, trauma informed coach, mother and very wise woman, is of the Wahkotowin Cree Nation, Edmonton, Canada. She generously enlightened me about their Native attachment and parenting model, which unlike the dyadic one I am most familiar with, involves the collective. I was both humbled and fascinated.

We are privileged to welcome Trish today as our special guest. She mentioned that she taught her children to express themselves freely, and say it all provided it is true, kind and necessary.

Let’s all celebrate gratitude, whatever we might call it!

In today’s video we feature special guest Stephanie Simms.

I met Stephanie in Oxford in 2024, when she was on a panel where she described an experience of racial trauma. Her story moved me deeply and we made one of those instant connections. Stephanie is a veteran of 20 years in the US Air Force, where plenty of racial and gender related trauma occurs, and later had a stint in the US space program, NASA.

Stephanie, like me, has a story about the complex and the invaluable experience of forgiveness. As it happens, we welcome her just before the US observes Veterans Day.

Stephanie can be found at beyondsolace.com

Like many children of trauma and neglect, I searched for heroes and idealized others, someone to look up to and identify with. I was and to some extent still am, a hero worshipper of sorts. Certainly not as I was. As a young activist who always loved music, musical icons with social justice messages were high on my list. It is always a terrible blow to find out a hero, may in fact have feet of clay.

You have seen and heard in my blogs before, at least once, the powerful music of Buffy Saint Marie, icon of the Indigenous People of the North American continent. It was with great dismay that I discovered that perhaps this (to me) great musician, was not who she appeared to be.

That little journey is the subject of this week’s video.

This week's episode was recorded in Oxford, where I was attending and speaking at the Transform Trauma 2025 Conference.

In this episode, I reflect on a movie I watched on the plane. I describe to you the powerful discovery of a group of men in a truly bleak environment, that enabled a burst of joy and connection among them.

It is a worthy practice for survivors of trauma and neglect, who may not often experience either. Thank you for tolerating my jet lagged face, and the less than glamorous setting. Next time we will be back to "normal."

Have a good week!

This week we have a very special guest.

We are honored and privileged to welcome Mike Niconchuk.

I met Mike at the Boston Trauma Conference. I was so moved by his talks there that I invited him for an interview. Mike is a researcher, activist, author, hero and all around amazing human being.

I say hero because Mike works on the front lines, where raw trauma is happening live around him. Mike is also of a different generation than I. And his story about intergenerational transmission hails back to a different part of the world than mine. But I am also interested in all our commonalities.

Mike is also a founding member of the Salama Project, for those who may be as inspired as I am by him, and would like to know more or help:

https://salamaproject.com/