This week I am delighted to welcome special guest Prentis Hemphill. I have seen Prentis, perhaps from afar for a number of years. They seemed to embody so many of the values I hold most dear: healing, social justice, somatics, non-binary gender and sexualities, and "walking the walk."

Of course in my neglect survivor way, I was perhaps intimidated by someone this awesome. However I later discovered, you can add humility to the list. They are delightfully approachable.

What did it was reading their book, What It Takes to Heal: How Transforming Ourselves Can Change the World. When I read the chapter where Prentis welcomes their daughter, I knew I had to approach them, to talk about that with all of you. It is an honor to welcome them!

This week’s video is a triple celebration, we celebrate International Women’s Month and a universe of precious women; we celebrate Janina Fisher, an exemplary woman (and I can celebrate twenty years of knowing and then friendship with her); and another celebration for Janina’s book launch: Embracing our Fragmented Selves. Three cheers as we welcome our special guest!!

Janina's new book can be purchased here: https://www.amazon.com/Embracing-Our-Fragmented-Selves-Therapists/dp/1683738918

Janina's website: https://janinafisher.com/

A few years ago, I read a then new novel called Klara and the Sun, by Kazuo Ishiguro. I have found Ishiguro’s work interesting and provocative. Although I have never been fond of science fiction or fantasy, something about how he incorporates other worlds with existential themes, has been compelling to me. And does not gnaw against questions of credibility. This book, about human-like dolls and their relationships with each other and with humans, I found fascinating. Of course, relationship in general can be engaging and interesting. At the time, (2021) I had no idea what was coming.

Living in the San Francisco Bay Area in the USA, I am in the heartland of technology and AI. Artificial Intelligence is of course the big buzz now. I resisted it for a while, especially as I saw the proliferation of what I call “ghost cars,” the self-driving electric vehicles speeding driverless seemingly everywhere. They give me the creeps, although a number of my neglect clients actually use them and like them as they prefer not having to interact with a live human driver.

However, as a writer, I have found that AI can be handy, for finding citations, or formatting footnotes, or asking a quick logistical question, like” is this a postal holiday?” I would not dream of asking ChatGPT to write something for me. I am way too vain for that! Admittedly I have a hard time not saying please and thank you to the bot. It is so friendly and seemingly generous with me. I also began to hear stories from clients, interacting with it rather like friends or “counsel” on matters that they might not want to bother me or another human with. I don’t mind that, as long as it does not become a simple and painless substitute for the hard work of relationship, which is of course the nemesis of neglect survivors.

I have become concerned, that the chatbot can become an easy bypass for authentic relationships with human and non-human living beings. Although I have not investigated yet, I know that every new technology ever, has become a market -place for sexual relationship. I shudder to think about where AI will go with sex, if it has not already. Anyway, it seemed like a good time to review the Dilemma Without Solution, the heart of neglect trauma.

At the core of neglect trauma is loss. Even loss of what was perhaps never there in the first place, but should have been. This week we will talk about two topics that rarely get spoken of: one's intimate sexual life, and aging. We will touch on both of these often secret or uncertain worlds, that way too often are navigated alone, or with a measure of shame.

On the subject of aging and shame, when you watch the video you will see I have not one but two senior moments! Where my mind goes blank! Here is everything I could not remember!

The 6 Principles: Consent, Non-exploitation, Honesty, Shared Values, Protection from Sexually-Transmitted Infections, Pleasure.

My Golden Rule: If I am not for myself, who will be for me? If I am only for myself, who what good am I? If not now, when? Now go and study!

Sallie Foley's Book: Sex & Love for Grownups: A No-Nonsense Guide to a Life of Passion.

Hope Will Not Be Cancelled

Healing from trauma and neglect can feel endless, and in a way it really is. Not infrequently, and even after all these years, I am humbly reminded: “Oh there it is again.” The experience of time standing still, emptiness, is a signature of the neglect experience. In a universe of nothing, nothing changes, which is why waiting and boredom are so excruciating and unbearable to survivors of neglect. It feels like deadness. There is no future.

The state of the world is so bleak these days. Here it is, a new year. I wondered what can I talk with you about today? I remembered back in the early Pandemic days, it seemed as if time stood still. It was unreal. Solitary confinement is an internationally recognized form of torture and we were all virtually in it. It seems like a distant dream now. It did pass. And so will this.

During COVID, things were getting cancelled right and left. I remember coming across the slogan Hope Will Not Be Cancelled. It was heartening to me, and I made a sticker of that slogan and pasted it all over everything. I figured that would be our topic for today. Please be sure to listen to the song today. It really says it better than anything I could. And let’s stay connected and keep hope alive.

The winter holiday season can be a time of joy and celebration for some, and for those with histories of trauma and neglect, it may very well be a time of particular pain and loneliness. Where I live there is a (to me) overblown culture of consumerism and consumption, with great emphasis put on buying and giving things, gifts.

For those of us with histories of trauma and neglect, or the specific trauma of poverty, there may be even more distorted meanings around giving and getting.

I always somehow imagined or dreamed that I would get something really special that would show me I was special, that I was worth something; or that I might be sufficiently known to receive something I would like.

Giving gave me a way to at least for a minute, feel appreciated, even if it was not really me that was appreciated, but the material gift.

Giving and receiving can be particularly fraught for survivors of neglect. That is the theme of this week's video.

Finally, few words about hope:

I had the privilege of going to hear revolutionary icon Angela Davis speak. She is now 82. Davis was a champion of the US Black Power Movement of the 1970's. It meant a lot to me that she of all people, is hopeful!

Best wishes of the season to all!

And hope for the year to come!

Amidst the buzz about sex that seems to always be around, for many of us, your clients may be wondering about their own lackluster sex lives, their partners having "lost interest," or accusing them of losing interest. They may be wondering "what is wrong with me?" Or what is wrong with my partner?" Or what is "normal."

Those with a neglect history, who never had anyone to ask or talk to about even their pubescent changing bodies, may be full of questions that they may never ask. Admittedly this may be true for us personally.

There are many reasons for the missing or lost spark. It may be an expression of the dysregulated, hypo-aroused neglect survivor's brain; developmental age-related bodily changes, or misconceptions about desire in the first place. Shame and prevailing myth, keeps people from speaking to or asking even their own partners. Similarly, one may wonder about their own or their partners' seemingly insatiable or extreme appetites for both quantity and sexual activity.

This week's video breaks the silence about a very large topic.

It is a challenging time of year for those with neglect and incident trauma histories. The winter holidays of any denomination may be fraught with family memories of all kinds...disappointment, feeling outcast or different, or more traumatic episodes.

In the US it is a time of great commotion, consumerism, and congestion. Pressure to have happy families to have happy celebrations with, lots of buying and giving and eating...these pressures on top of already existing difficulties.

It is not fitting with the "Norman Rockwell" idyllic image of a harmonious, white, nuclear family with a beautiful tree and lots of presents. All this may result in feelings of shame, envy and grief.

Oy vey!

My husband and I choose to feel the whole thing, and head for someplace warm and quiet.

Another insidious experience for many, the now better understood "anniversary reaction" phenomenon. The body/nervous system seems to have an uncanny additional sense or calendar where it registers the approach of a fraught time of trauma. One's reactivity seems to ramp up for no apparent reason.

If you find yourself feeling more reactive, irritable or out of sorts at this time of year, you are not alone.

That is our topic this week.

Do take heart. As ever, the more trauma processing we do, the easier things get over time.