Why Anger?

Research confirms that when young children learn to manage their feelings, their executive functions are simultaneously strengthened.^1 They can better use self-control, problem-solve, and focus their attention. There are intentional ways to grow a healthy parent-child relationship. Growing your child’s skills to manage anger provides a perfect opportunity.

Tip: These steps are done best when you and your child/teen are not angry, tired, or in a rush.

Tip: Intentional communication and a healthy parenting relationship support these steps.

Step 1: Get Input- Get Your Child Thinking by Getting Their Input

● “When do you feel angry?”

● “What time of day?”

● “What people, places, and activities are usually involved?”

● “How does your body feel now?” (in a calm moment) “How does your body feel when you are angry?”

Trap: Be sure you talk about anger at a calm time when you are not stressed or upset.

Step 2: Teach New Skills

● Learn together! Anger and hurt are important messages to pay attention to. They mean emotional, social, or physical needs are not being met, or necessary boundaries (rules, values) are being violated.

● Anger is not bad or negative. You should not avoid or shut down the experience of it.

● Expressing anger in a way such as yelling will not make it go away.

● Venting, such as complaining, ranting, or even mumbling, does not relieve the upset thoughts and feelings.

● Avoiding or pretending you are not angry will not make it go away.

● Model behaviors and your children will notice and learn! ^2

● Create a calm-down plan.

● Recognize your anger from physical signs.

● Practice deep breathing to calm down.

● Brainstorm coping strategies for yourself, such as walking outside, moving in slow motion, distracting yourself, writing, or drawing.

● Make a list of coping strategies with your child, like counting to 50, drawing, coloring, or building something. Keep it handy!

● Work on your family feelings vocabulary. Use specific feeling words to describe your state of mind and help your child describe theirs.

● Play feelings guessing games with the family. Ask each family member what they did today and see if you can guess their feelings from their expression.

● Create a safe base -- a place in the house where your child can choose to go when they want comfort.

● Reflect on your child’s anger so you can be prepared to help. “What needs is my child not getting met? Can my child address the issue alone, or do they need to communicate a need, ask for help, or set a boundary?”

● Teach assertive communication through I-messages such as “I feel _________(insert feeling word) when you______ (name the words or actions that upset you) because__________.”

● Teach your child to repair harm. A critical step in teaching children about managing anger is teaching them how to repair harm (physical or emotional) when they’ve...