“Your reason and your passion are the rudder and the sails of your seafaring soul. If either your sails or your rudder be broken, you can but toss and drift, or else be held at a standstill in mid-seas. “ For reason, ruling alone, is a force confing, and passion, unattended, is a flame that burns to its own destruction. Therefore let your soul exalt your reason to the height of passion, that it may sing;and let it direct your passion with reason, that your passion may live through its own daily resurrection, and like the phoenix rise above its own ashes.” - Kahlil Gibran The Universe was like, "Nope - you don’t get what you want." And I was like, "What the fuck?!" Last year at this time, I hit a shocking and painful wall in my life. I had leaned in hard to my spiritual training to reach a certification that I truly desired, and had spent a massive amount of time, energy and money in the process of trying to complete.. I was attempting to put down roots in Florida, but still standing in Seattle, and traveling frequently to Michigan and Toronto. The year before, December of 2022 I had officially moved to St. Augustine, Florida,I I had found a nice guy I liked spending time with. And, over most of 2023, this “nice guy” and I moved towards becoming serious, By Fall, we agreed to be with each other in a committed monogamous relationship. I, however, was still deep in the throes of my training, which meant spending much of my time flying between Seattle and Toronto.. . Unfortunately, despite the grueling hours, long nights and money spent, I failed my final exam and did not receive my certification. As I returned to Florida, there was not a part of me that was not exhausted. I was processing failure and grieving what I thought was meant to be mine. - I was ready to step back and redirect my attention. I was finally ready to settle deep into my beautiful beachside hometown in Florida, and pivot my desires into the arms of this relationship that had been placed on the backburner for too long. Or so I thought -It wasn’t long after, I found out my nice guy was also seeing someone else and wasn’t so nice after all. The days after, I went into shock.. All I wanted to do was go home. and cozy up to my boyfriend. And the Universe responded with an abrupt and harsh NO. - Again, what the fuck?! Not to mention, this wasn’t the first time I had been cheated on. “How could this happen to me again? This pattern? This betrayal? What is wrong with me?” I began to think…but then I chose something different. I resisted the temptation of fully drowning myself in self pity and victimhood, - Instead I called in help. I reached out to some very wise and trustworthy friends, and asked for a reality check. One of those friends told me about a story of a woman who had died recently of something entirely preventable. The woman had been so focused on other people: pleasing them, helping them, doing for them, busying herself with all of their needs first, - she did not take care of herself. She ignored her basic needs and neglected her body as it began to tell her something was wrong.. AND IT KILLED HER. . . The preacher at her funeral said words that chilled me deep into my bones. “Get YOUR house in order. This woman is dead because of something entirely preventable. She was taking care of all of you, but forgot to first take care of herself. She chose to not first get her house in order before providing assistance to others, and paid the ultimate price. Yes, we should seek to help others, but we cannot pour from an empty cup.” They were words my very weary mind, body and soul needed to hear. My house was not even close to being in order and I was exhausted from all the travel and fruitless endeavors. My car had been stolen, my arthritis was angry, my house had ants, my dog missed me, my boyfriend left me, and my businesses was suffering. I had failed to ground myself into this budding new home,because I was so busy running all over the country pursuing something that actually wasn’t my dream. I began to really ask myself, “What is it that I actually want?” And the answers came. I I wanted a nice cozy, simple life with a man who enjoyed spending time with me. I wanted to be healthy and available to be of service to others with my light work and my law practice. I wanted to be figuring out my joy and passions again. I wanted to bask in the sunlight and sit on a beach. Was I doing any of this? Nope. And I was in deep despair and grieving so many things. My house was not in order. I made a vow to myself and placed these newfound prayers and intentions into my daily meditation.. I finally admitted a truth I had been hiding and distracting myself from - I wanted a partner. I wanted a home. I wanted to find my husband. My person. My mate. Someone who I could truly co-create with and ...
