Kids fighting in the car is a common occurrence and is often a headache for most parents. This is a mini-bonus episode where Leslie and her producer Alletta Cooper discuss a number of strategies to help kids sit with discomfort, learn to deal with boredom and maybe along the way have some time to daydream - a way to exercise a valuable part of the brain. Screens and phones are not on the Do-Not-Use list but rather are understood for ways in which they too can be helpful.

Time Stamps

2:15 The arrangement strategy - rearranging the kids

3:12 Acknowledge that screens are not good or bad

• For the short term it works - kids are quiet
• Can you modulate the length of time that kids are on screens

4:10 What’s missing when your kids are on screens

• Learning to tolerate discomfort, differences and boredom
• Missing the opportunity for daydreaming
• 6:10 The creativity, the connection and the inventiveness of making up games

6:49 Kids in the car are a captive audience and often use that time to talk

7:42 Pulling Over Strategy - a non-threatening strategy

10:25 Kids can learn that they have a lot of power when it comes to the fighting with sibling

11:35 The Ticket System Strategy - this system teaches children its safe to make mistakes

13:50 Consequences not punishment - non judgmentally

14:40 Payback System Strategy - based on the concept of community service

16:30 Books on tape, family reading - again as a captive audience

17:25 Plan Ahead Strategy

17:45 Mindfulness Skills of Observation - paying attention to what is around (DBT skills)

18:28 Check in with yourself and ask “am I capable of tolerating this now?”

Leslie-ism: Give your children the gift of daydreaming time

Resources:

Is My Child A Monster? Episode 14 Skills Focus on Apologies with Special Guest Dale Rubury - Leslie Discusses the Payback Concept

For a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcasts/ . You can also follow Leslie’s work on Facebook, Instagram, TikTok and YouTube. Join the conversation with your own questions and parenting experiences.

Credits: Is My Child a Monster? is produced by Alletta Cooper, Camila Salazar, and Leslie Cohen-Rubury. Theme music is by L-Ray Music. Graphics and Website Design by Brien O’Reilly. Transcriptions by Eric Rubury. A special thanks to everyone who contributes their wisdom and support to make this possible.

There is so much going on in a family between raising the kids, making a living to provide for the family and managing a household. In today’s session, we meet Krystal and Burt, a family based in the UK who have 2 children, 12 year old Mat, and 8 year old Margo. They recently moved to a rural farm with animals that they also raise. Making time for the kids, making time for the relationship and running their lives is what Burt called “volume overload”. And it is through that lens of “volume overload” that we unpack the sibling rivalry between the kids.

Time Stamps

7:33 Assessment to help understand what’s going on with Sibling rivalry

12:48 The stress of being a neurodivergent parent - ADHD and Dyslexia

19:20 Things can be easier when one parent is in charge compared to when both parents are present

20:17 Tension between parents:

• When parents feel unsupported
• When parents feel dismissed
• When parents don’t want to be the ‘bad guy”

24:10 Parenting styles are a compilation of who you are and the experiences you had in your childhood

24:50 How to tolerate the differences

• 25:45 What part do I need to radically accept and what part do I need to change

27:15 How do you as a parent like to be appreciated? (words, back rubs, hugs etc)

28:38 The tension of not being appreciated can be addressed with check ins

29:45 Step away from the problem in order to solve the problem - Relationships need nourishment

31:10 What small ways can you create emotional connection in busy lives

• Build up the strengths and the emotional connection
• 35:10 Mindfully acknowledging each other on entering or exiting a room
• Play a simple game between you and your partner

35:40 The children will learn that a relationship takes connection. Model those small ways of connecting to help nourish the relationship

38:45 Relationships are so hard.

40:40 The pain of the relationship can be in service of our healing

• We pick people who are going to help us grow as the pain in the relationship shows up.
• Children help us grow as a human being
• We bring our own pain from childhood to our current relationships

44:45 Parents can feel “volume overloaded”

45: 30 Practice some mindfulness exercises that help ground you

47:35 Balancing the dilemma/tension of getting through the present moment and at the same time planning goals for the future.

48:44 Metaphor of a tree with roots - root yourself and ground yourself in your daily life with mindfulness and connection and small little breaks

50:59 Turning the family structure upside down

52:20 Connection is so important and understanding the effects of disconnection

Leslie-ism: Take a moment to root yourself in your daily life through connection.

Resources:

For a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcasts/ . You can also follow Leslie’s work on Facebook, Instagram, TikTok and YouTube. Join the conversation with your own questions and parenting experiences.

Credits: Is My Child a Monster? is produced by Alletta Cooper, Camila Salazar, and Leslie Cohen-Rubury. Theme music is by L-Ray Music. Graphics and Website Design by