People who have already subscribed to Born Without Borders received the written and podcast versions on Tuesday. I’m releasing this video version to play around with Substack’s new tools and see if the algorithm favours video uploads.Also, for those of you who didn’t know, Substack automatically creates captions clips, and you can sync the videos directly to your Youtube channel. Letting go of a toxic relationship and the trauma bond it created isn’t just about “fixing” yourself—it’s about untangling the web of manipulation, unmet needs, and misplaced self-worth. Let’s explore this journey that left me heart feening and pecker retreating.Recognizing the CycleTrauma bonding thrives universally on a loop of kindness and hurt—a toxic rollercoaster of validation and betrayal. In every culture, this cycle creates confusion and reinforces emotional dependency. However, how people recognize and address this cycle often reflects cultural attitudes toward relationships and conflict.* Individualistic Cultures (cultures prioritizing the individual over the collective group—common in the West): The recognition process often begins with open dialogue and self-reflection, facilitated by therapy or personal writing. Survivors are encouraged to dissect patterns objectively, often finding clarity through cognitive-behavioural approaches that separate emotional reactions from facts.* Collectivist Cultures (cultures that emphasize harmony, duty, and interdependence—common in the East): The cycle might be less openly discussed due to societal pressures to maintain harmony or protect the family’s reputation. Reflecting on this dynamic often involves seeking wisdom from elders or trusted confidants, emphasizing relational wisdom over individual analysis.Regardless of culture, writing about the moments of love and betrayal—whether privately or as part of a shared healing practice—remains a transformative tool. Psychologists also note that articulating the narrative helps survivors reframe their experiences, creating distance from the abuser's control.However, I’m not sure “abuser” is the right word. For one, I’m not into the whole victimhood narrative. Two, viewing the insults, cheating, and betrayals as products of someone’s past, not their true character, made it easier to forgive. Three, the happy memories: all the laughter, travel, intimacy, the effort they put into gifts, the way they reflected my soul, shared past-life dreams—Sometimes, the “survivor” can’t let go and becomes their own abuser.Setting Boundaries That StickCutting ties is easier said than done. Trauma bonds often create an illusion of “unfinished business,” making survivors feel guilty for trying to leave and absolutely worthless if they get left.* Western Perspectives: Boundaries are viewed as empowering acts of self-care. Tools like blocking on social media or ceasing all communication are common, reflecting a belief in the individual’s right to peace.* Non-Western Perspectives: Setting boundaries may involve more subtle or indirect strategies to avoid open conflict. Survivors might limit interactions while maintaining formal politeness, especially in cultures where direct confrontation is discouraged.For both, the challenge lies in consistency. Research suggests that having an accountability partner—someone who supports you in maintaining these boundaries (in my case, my bro telling me I sound like a heroin addict)—can significantly reduce the likelihood of relapse into unhealthy dynamics.Replacing the AddictionTrauma bonds mimic addiction. Breaking the cycle requires finding healthier, more fulfilling replacements.* Western Approaches: Activities like therapy, exercise, and journaling are emphasized as steady sources of joy.* Non-Western Approaches: Spiritual practices, community service, and traditional healing methods often take precedence.Research shows that consistent engagement in nourishing activities rewires the brain, reducing the emotional dependency created by trauma bonds. However, for those of us who exercised and ate healthy long before the trauma bond, it’s not much of a replacement, unfortunately.Reclaiming Your IdentityRebuilding your sense of self after leaving a toxic relationship is central to recovery. This process often intersects with cultural narratives about identity and purpose.* In Individualistic Cultures, identity is often framed in terms of personal achievements and preferences. Survivors might be encouraged to rediscover hobbies, career goals, or creative outlets. For instance, journaling and art therapy are popular tools for expressing and reclaiming identity in Western contexts.Unfortunately, writing as a career requires recognition to succeed, and when you have an unhealthy need for recognition, it can turn toxic, too. So, if you’re anything like me, I recommend the collectivistic culture approach.* In Collectivist Cultures, identity is closely tied to ...
