We have to learn to simultaneously talk back to our brain to tell it to hush and listen to what the other person is saying. Recognize the feelings that start to come up.

If you need time to process what was said because your emotions are too high- ask for some time to think about what they said.

Questions to ask yourself

“Why is what they are saying making me feel ( judged, criticized, or not good enough) ?”

“What is my brain making this mean?”

This is a story my brain is telling me- but is it actual fact? Is this what they are actually saying? Most likely it is not.

Do a thought download - write it all out

They said words, these words made me feel, I feel this way because

This will reveal to you the story that your brain is telling you- this will reveal the real reason why you feel an urgency, or a panic, or defensive, or whatever uncomfortable emotion it may be for you

Listening is often hard for us with anxious attachment because we put so much pressure on ourselves to be perfect in a relationship so hearing anything short of Positive, Affirmations- cause our brain to panic and look for red flags- aka hypervigilance. Our brain has been wired to scanning for danger “emotional dangers” - scan, scan, scan for any potential problem- this is the problem because it often makes problems where there are not. Since we have this deep rooted fear of abandonment or rejection it is beneath it all.

We have to practice grounded ourselves in the moments and not in the “potential fears” of anxious attachment.

When we are constantly putting pressure on ourselves to do everything right and be hyper-attuned to other’s needs in relationships it keeps our nervous system in a constant state of survival and over functioning. Causing us to have a hard time with clear and transparent communication, causing us to overthink, be anxious and always on edge. This will probably end up being an entirely separate podcast because the pressure to be perfect and anticipate others needs is another habit that actually causes strain on our relationships.

Our brain learned to do this when we were younger as a means for survival. This used to be a very helpful thing to us and now we are growing up and want to do more than just survive. We want to live and be present in our relationships with other people.

So when you discover what your brain is making their words mean- this is not the time to beat yourself up more for being a person with anxious attachment or for being “broken” this is the time to show yourself compassion and really validate your feelings.

You can validate your fears without believing them, You can validate your pressure without believing the story your brain is telling you. You can show yourself compassion and you can even allow yourself to be frustrated that listening is so hard right now.

I want you to know listening and communicating will get better, it will get easier. When you learn how to stop putting so much pressure on yourself, when you learn how to talk back to your brain, and calm your nervous system so that it stops scanning for dangers- it does get easier. You will be able to listen.

When my brain wants to start making my wife’s words mean something- I now say can we listen to her words first before you tell me what you think about it. I remind myself that I am safe to hear words. I am safe to hear her words. I am capable of hearing what she has to say. I don’t have to make it mean more than what she says.

You will be able to develop listening skills. You will be able to hear words that make you feel like you are the problem and then you will be able to turn it around and really hear what the other person is saying- it just takes awareness and practice, practice.

The difference between therapy and life coaching to me is that Life Coaching helps you with your current thoughts and beliefs and helps you in a different way than therapy. Life Coaching is future focused and helps a lot with processing emotions while teaching in the moment strategy for what to do when your anxious attachment is triggered.

I do believe Life Coaches who have experienced Anxious Attachment can help support you in getting the results that you want in your life if they too have done the work and are able to share with you actual steps to get you where you want to go.

I also do believe that if someone is trying to sell you quick fixes, that it is a problem. I do not believe there are any magic tricks or quick “healing” that can magically rid your nervous system of its triggers or reprogram your responses to those triggers.

However, I do believe that small and quick strategies can start changing things right away. I do believe Life Coaching offers you understanding, strategy and real life skills that help you start implementing things right away.

When we do the work of Self Awareness, Thoughtwork and we practice new reactions and coping mechanisms on purpose we accelerate our transformation, we accelerate our development of new habits, new coping strategies, and we begin to feel more secure.

I am here to tell you that thoughtwork is not a magic pill but it is a skill that will get you so much closer to where you want to be in life and in relationships. I see thought work as the strategy or the skill I used to develop mental and emotional health, mental and emotional balance, the strategy I use to sooth and calm my anxious attachment when it is triggered.

I created this podcast as a person with Anxious attachment who uses Life Coaching Skills and tools, like thoughtwork and the anxious attachment cycle to soothe my anxious attachment and create new habits with purpose and intention and to show you all how I do this, so that you too can do the same.

So my answer is Yes I do believe you can really rewire your anxious attachment, I really do believe that you can create new habits when your anxious attachment is triggered. I do not believe that we have to be forever a victim to our anxious attachment.

I do not believe anyone is too far gone, too anxiously attached, too broken, too anything to do this work. I believe that every person who wants to do this work, who has the smallest desire to make a change, who has the “want” to change their habits and their thought patterns is capable of doing it. I believe that every human is capable of the change they wish to see in themselves. That is why I do this podcast, that is why I started a coaching program- because I remember not believing in myself. I remember thinking it is always going to be like this. I remember not believing that I could change.

What is holding you back right now is simple, it is the thoughts you are currently thinking. It is the “story” you keep telling yourself.

I also will be hosting a 5 day Anxious Attachment Boot Camp in June. June 24 through June 28th. I will be going live on zoom, teaching and coaching about Anxious Attachment and how to rewire your brain to get the relationship you want. My live coaching will be at 10:00 am pacific standard time, I would love for you to joining and come LIVE.

Trust me- YOU do not want to miss this free boot camp. Email me at Amber Lynn @takingbackherbrain.com Anxious Attachment Boot Camp, follow me on Instagram at anxious attachment solution and DM me Boot Camp- to get on the wait list now. You will not want to miss this opportunity.

Thank you so much for joining me on today's Podcast. Go do the work, it is with you. I believe in YOU!

Before we jump to the practicing new thoughts: We have to do phase 1 self awareness- you first have to know the thoughts that you have now about yourself and love, your self and reassurance, your thoughts about conditional love.

So get a piece of paper write it down

What are all the thoughts I think about me and my ability to be loved? What are all of my thoughts about love and my self worth? Why am I not worthy of love? Now Why am I worthy of love?

When you get these thoughts down write a T next to each thought you find bring up BIG feelings, next to that thought write F: how does this feeling make you feel? Write that feeling

What feeling do you notice the most in this narrative? Now what do you do when you feel this feeling?

Now phase 2:

What feeling do you want to feel when it comes to relationships? What would you have to believe to feel that way? What would you have to think to believe that?

What feeling do you want to have about your selfworth? What would you have to believe to feel that way? What would you have to think to believe that?

From thoughtwork to strategy

When you are in the moment and you are not sure if you are seeking validation- ask yourself why am I doing this? What am I trying to get out of this? Is that what I actually need? What if I could get this from myself what would that look like?

Often times we need validation in the middle of an argument, or in the middle of “something” that has triggered our anxious attachment, we have been programmed to believe that we need someone or something outside of ourselves to feel better. I teach my clients how to do this for themselves.

How to ask ourselves what do we really need? How can I get this from me? Am I trying to prove my worth? Am I trying to prove something? Am I seeking comfort outside of myself because my brain is telling me I can’t hand these uncomfortable emotions or possible fear?

This is why us with anxious attachment really need to go listen to feeling uncomfortable feelings episode again- because I am TELLING YOU even though it terrifies you. Our work is in the ability to feel safe with our emotions. Feeling secure no matter what emotions we have. If we can grow our capacity to feel uncomfortable emotions we would find ourselves less inclined to seek external validation. If we could comfort ourselves, create security and safety within ourselves we would be able to decrease our dependency on other people for our emotional regulation.

If you want help doing this work email me at Amberlynn@takingbackherbrain.com and schedule your free one hour consultation.

if you have questions, email me, I will answer your questions when I can.

If you know you are ready to do this work, then what are you waiting for? Email me, Right now in April I have 6 open spots for my 1:1 coaching program- so don’t wait.

If you are not yet on my email list email me or find my instagram at Anxious Attachment solution and get on my email list.

In June I am going to be doing an Anxious Attachment Bootcamp Facebook pop up group where I will be meeting with you for an hour every day for 5 days to help you kick your anxious attachment habits to the curb.

Go get on my email list, you don’t want to miss the things I am going to be doing this summer. Also if you listen to my podcast and you are enjoying it or learning something from it can you please like it, and rate it- it helps get my podcast out to more women.