Ever date someone you didn’t really think you’d like and then all of a sudden you find yourself pining after them like, “why they don’t like me anymore? Why does no one ever care about me?” Have you ever really asked yourself - before the attachment - happened if you ever even wanted them? Maybe, but your craving for that love and validation that seems to be lost is so deep that you can’t see the light? This was the story of my life. I loved one person, but in between that I dated out of need - to help me “move on” or take my mind off another before them. I dated to pass time, to fill a hole in my life, to feel better about a life I didn’t like - I just wanted an escape, someone fun to pass time, but then it was always me who seemed to get attached. They provided the escape I wanted, but then started pulling away. By then I was left feeling even more shitty than I felt before I’d met them. I’d conclude, I was just unloveable and everyone would always leave me. No one would ever love me - that is until my thoughts and inner monologue were interrupted by meeting the girl I speak about in episode 18. I started to think - is this really true? What if I changed my thoughts and actions and put it all to the test? That’s exactly what I did here in my little roster experiment - my experience in intentionally dating 15 different guys - with no physical contact. This isn’t a formal episode - just a little blurb about what I did, how I approached, and what I found. This post is both verbal blurb and written blurb to enjoy in whichever medium you prefer. All I can say is this was a much better approach than any of my other previous experiences, and the change in how I was treated all began with how I was treating myself.

I know I promised a "little learnings" on ego-defensive behavior, but life took some unexpected turns. In this episode, I talk about the strange turn of events over the past 3 months that diverted my attention from examining other people's behaviors to taking a deeper look at myself. I discuss how my previous dark intermissions episode really highlighted a narrative about my inner world that needed changing. However, none of this examination would have happened if it wasn't for a little divine intervention - a chance encounter in my small town. Little did I know meeting this girl would cause me to re-examine everything I was doing in relationships, especially when it came to my core beliefs and how those beliefs translated to how I was treated by others. The perfect timing of all these events felt so divinely orchestrated that it could only reaffirm my faith in the higher power that is God. Puerto Rico, Dominican Republic, and Trinidad served as the unwanted, but necessary backdrop of me reclaiming my inner power. Upon coming home, I put all my new knowledge to the test by creating a roster of dates, which I report my extraordinary findings in this episode. Nevertheless, my new discoverings were further put to the test in my trip to Texas, solidifying everything I learned about truth and the divine hand that was on my life. If you are stuck in a familiar self-defeating monologue, unable to break out and see the light - this episode is for you! For when you know the truth, the truth will set you free.

I'm back! I know it's been 3 months since I've published my last episode and while I wanted to jump straight back into the little learnings for "uncovering the truth," I wanted to share some things I'm struggling with in my own life. The reason I include some of these episodes with more practical educational videos and to show how I personally work through my own difficult feelings with the things I've previously learning. While this episode is mostly unstructured and a bit of a mishmash of things I've been feeling lately, it's important to note that all throughout the healing journey, we'll all have breakthroughs and set backs and all are necessary for the learning process. In this particular episode, I share about my frustration with learning the same lessons over and over again, while also reiterating that Instagram is not reality - that there is so much that goes on behind a picture or video, and I'm no different. I hear all the time from my public instagram that people wish they had my life, wish they had as much money as me, and in reality, they don't really know what they're asking for. If you're looking for someone who shares some feelings of insignificance and struggling with self worth, this is the episode for you. Key themes include relationships issues and how they potentially impact self-esteem and self-worth.