Conflict can happen within families, between spouses, extended family, and with other important people in your child’s life. Conflict is normal and expected. However, when conflict escalates, is persistent, and remains unresolved, it can harm not only the adults in conflict but your child.

Learning to address high-conflict situations is essential. The stress you experience from conflict will be felt by your child even if you believe you are hiding it well from them. When conflict is persistent and unresolved, it can

● confuse your child,

● foster feelings of uncertainty and stress,^1

● increase emotional distress,^1

● reduce your child’s ability to manage and regulate their emotions,^1

● negatively impact your child’s development,^1, and

● foster unwelcome behaviors in your child.

In high-conflict situations, your child must take advantage of the security of a stable, consistent, and nurturing environment. Children depend on their adults for survival, which makes them attuned to disruptions in their caregiving adult relationships.

This document guides you on what to do when there is high conflict between you and other important people in your child’s life. Learning to navigate high-conflict situations can help you to

● model the behaviors you are teaching your children,

● grow your social and emotional skills,

● grow your child’s social and emotional skills, and

● ultimately do what is in your child’s best interest.

Managing your thoughts and behaviors is essential in high-conflict situations so that your child’s best interest is at the forefront of your decision-making and actions.

Here are some relationship scenarios in which high conflict is more likely to occur:^2, ^3

1. There is no give and take. A rigid stance that leaves no room for discussion can lead to conflict. This might sound like: “You never agree with my rules for the children. My rules, my house, I won’t budge.”
2. Behaviors are extreme. Displaying behaviors that are at one extreme can increase the likelihood of conflict. For example, either the person is not responsive in a situation (“I won’t do anything”), or they are overly controlling (“I won’t let you see the kids ever again!”).
3. The “blame game” is in full effect. Not taking responsibility for one’s behavior or continually attempting to place blame on someone else can increase conflict. For example, it can sound like this: “You are the reason our child is so permissive. She doesn’t ever stick up for herself, just like you!”

While it isn’t likely you will be able to change the other person, you can influence the situation by how you respond.

Your goals for managing high conflict with an important person in your child’s life will vary. Your goals depend on your unique situation. Your goals might be

● to preserve the relationship you have with the important person,

● to preserve the relationship your child has with the important person, and

● to resolve the conflict as best you can.

You may be in a situation where your relationship with the person is...