Before my episode today, I listened to “Never Say Never” by The Fray. I listen to song lyrics and let the music guide their meaning for me. I can listen to the same song on five different occasions and feel something different each time. Today the song gave me compassion for how there are some things we don’t talk about, and we are supposed to just take it and smile, even though I have the same damn problem every day. It made me feel gratitude that I have been courageous enough to talk and nobody is telling me to shut up about it. I feel myself falling apart and being put back together time and time again. The song helped me choose to feel today, and not ignore the emotional pain that goes with the constant physical pain.

It's taken a lot of practice, but thanks to my sobriety program I am finally living one day at a time, although I don’t do it perfectly. I thought I’d mastered it, until I had my stroke. I again began to future trip, thinking, “how am I going to live the rest of my life this way?” Instead of getting upset about how to do the rest of my life, I focus on how I’m going to do today.

I am learning how to stay away from phrases that include the words ‘never’ and ‘always’. Today I made a decision when I woke up to choose recovery. I gave up control—I never had it anyway.

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Visit me at ⁠⁠⁠recoverydailypodcast.com⁠⁠⁠ or email me at ⁠rachel@recoverydailypodcast.com⁠.

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