As a parent or someone in a parenting role, you play an essential role in your child’s/teen’s success. There are intentional ways to grow a healthy parent-child relationship. Teaching your child/teen to repair harm is a great opportunity.
Your support in growing the skill of repairing harm can help your child/teen develop social awareness -- “the ability to understand the perspectives of and empathize with others, including those from diverse backgrounds, cultures, and contexts.”^1 They’ll develop relationship skills as they learn how to mend hurt feelings in friendships or with coaches, teachers, and caregivers. They’ll also exercise responsible decision making, or “the ability to make caring and constructive choices about personal behavior and social interactions across diverse situations,” learning that their choices cause a reaction or outcome which can harm others or themselves.”^1 These skills grow your child’s/teen’s sense of responsibility, while improving your relationship.
Some parents and those in a parenting role feel that if they do not impose punishments, their child/teen will not understand that their behavior is inappropriate. When a child/teen is punished, they often feel scared, humiliated, and hurt. This overwhelming fear or hurt impacts their relationship with you while failing to teach them the appropriate constructive behavior and build a skill. Your child/teen will likely miss the lesson you want to emphasize and feel unsafe.
Punishment often leads to more poor choices. A vicious cycle begins in which a child/teen feels bad about themselves and repeats the behaviors that are expected of a “bad child.” Parents and those in a parenting role need to learn to actively support their child/teen in repairing harm to interrupt this cycle.
Children/teens ages 11-14 will naturally make mistakes, test limits, and break rules. And when they do, they only consider their impulses and desires and not how they might impact you or others. The prefrontal cortex, the part of the brain responsible for decision making and reasoning, fully develops once your child/teen is in their mid-twenties, so it is natural for children/teens to forget to pause before acting. Children/Teens require support and follow-through from parents and those in a parenting role to make things better. They need to understand that they always have another chance to repair harm. This skill is developed over time and requires a lot of practice.
Research confirms that children/teens are developing higher-order thinking skills like consequential thinking and linking cause to effect.^2 This directly impacts their school success and ability to take responsibility for their actions as they grow. Children/Teens need the guidance and support of caring adults to learn these skills.
Guidance on repairing harm can be challenging for many parents and those in a parenting role.^3 Instead of a quick, reflexive response like yelling, scolding, or punishing, repairing harm takes time, follow-through, and thoughtful consideration. Yet, it can become the most powerful teaching opportunity for your child/teen as they learn to take responsibility for their actions and understand how their choices impact others. As you utilize these teachable moments, your relationship with your child/teen will be enriched. The steps below include specific, practical strategies along with effective conversation starters.
Why Guidance for Repairing Harm?When your eleven-year-old hides a failed test, your thirteen-year-old lies about going to a friend’s house without parental supervision, or your fourteen-year-old verbally fights with a neighbor, these situations are opportunities to provide guidance for repairing harm.
Today, in the short term, guidance for repairing harm can create
● a sense of confidence that you can help...
