Five-year-olds are working on understanding and applying rules in various situations. They are seeking independence and will naturally test limits and break rules. When they do, they require guidance on how to repair harm caused to a relationship or item. This is a normal part of their development and necessary for their learning. Research confirms that children are in the process of developing higher-order thinking skills, such as consequential thinking and linking cause to effect. This directly impacts their school success and ability to take responsibility for their actions as they grow. Children need the guidance and support of caring adults to learn these skills.

Step 1: Get Input- Get Your Child Thinking by Getting Their Input

● You can ask them about how they are feeling.

○ “I noticed your face got red. So, when you said unkind things to your sister, were you frustrated?”

○ “I saw your friend leave you to play with someone else at the playground. I wonder if you are feeling sad?”

● You can also ask them about how they think others might be feeling.

○ “Your sister cried when you said those unkind words to her. How might she be feeling?”

○ “When your friend didn’t get to take their turn, how do you think they were feeling?”

○ “When you said that to me, how do you think that made me feel?”

Trap: Avoid letting the question turn into an accusation. Remember to stay calm and that the goal of the question is to help your child uncover feelings.

Step 2: Teach New Skills

● Understanding your own feelings and behaviors when your child misbehaves is a great way to start. It will help you know what your child is learning to do.

● Model behaviors (and your children will notice and learn!).

● Teach positive behaviors. Children need to learn the positive behavior that can replace inappropriate behavior.

● Create a calm-down plan. “What helps you feel better when you're sad, mad, or hurt?”

● Practice deep breathing to calm down.

● Brainstorm coping strategies and make a list together, such as hugging a pillow, reading a favorite book, walking outside, getting a glass of water, or listening to music.

● Work on your family feelings vocabulary. Use specific feelings words to describe your state of mind and help your child describe theirs.

● Teach assertive communication through I-messages such as “I feel _________(insert feeling word) when you______ (name the words or actions that upset you) because__________.” “I feel sad when you say hurtful things to your brother because it hurts his feelings.”

Tip: Deep breathing removes the chemical that has flowed over your brain, allowing you to regain access to your creativity, language, and logic rather than staying stuck in your primal brain. Practicing deep breathing with your child can offer them a powerful tool anytime, anywhere, when they feel overwhelmed with heated emotions.

Tip: Play feelings-guessing games with the family. At a meal, share facial expressions showing a range of emotions and guess which they are.

Trap: Though it can sometimes feel like it, there are no “bad”...