Top o’ the mornin’ to ya! Ah, St. Patrick’s Day. That magical occasion where everyone suddenly discovers some tenuous Irish heritage that gives them an excuse to drink green beer at 9AM on a Tuesday. You might think you know everything there is to know about this green-tinted holiday, but chances are you’re still harboring some misconceptions. Who was St. Patrick anyway and why is he so determined to fill our livers with whiskey? Grab yourself a pint of Guinness and get ready, because I’m going to educate you on all things St. Paddy’s Day! In The Beginning...Green Wasn’t Actually Part of the Deal Nowadays when you think of St. Patrick, you automatically picture green top hats, green beer, and green vomit covering the streets. But originally, the color hadn’t yet been adopted as the official shade of Irish pride. The truth is that Saint Patrick himself would likely be bewildered AF to see how enthusiastically we took to dyeing all consumables green (he’d also probably wonder why there are green plastic derby hats shaped like beer mugs). Back in his day as a 5th-century missionary and bishop, the big trend was converting pagans to Christianity, not converting your face to the same color as Shrek. But why green, anyway? There’s actually a few origin theories, but the leading explanation points to wearing green as a symbol of Irish nationalism and uprising against English rule in the 17th century. Green vibes with the whole "luck o' the Irish" thing, plus Ireland is just generally very green, so it makes sense. But Patrick definitely did NOT care if your milkshake matched your emerald beads in 450 AD. The Real St. Pat Wasn’t Actually Irish *Gasp!* I know, total plot twist. But it’s true - despite being the patron saint of Ireland and having an entire holiday named after him, good ol’ Patty was born in Wales or Scotland (the jury is still out on the exact locale) with the name Maewyn Succat. “Patrick” was actually just his confirmation name. The story goes that as a teen, he was kidnapped by Irish pirates and sold into slavery. Life wasn’t too grand during his 6 years working as a shepherd (what is it with prophets named Patrick tending sheep??), but he found religion and eventually escaped back home. But in a real “leave the gun, bring the cannoli” kind of situation, he changed his mind and went back to Ireland to convert the polytheistic Celts to Christianity as payback. And the rest is drunken history! St. Paddy’s Day: Brought to You By the Americans? Today Ireland goes big celebrating their special guy’s feast day. But shockingly, for a good portion of history, it wasn’t really even a big deal there. Up until the 1970s or so, March 17th was only a religious holiday that the pubs didn’t even bother staying open for. Bars not serving alcohol? On St. Patrick’s Day?? Clearly Ireland was doing it wrong. Enter the Americans. After the Irish potato famine led to a massive influx of immigrants stateside in the 1800s, Irish pride exploded in the US. Cities with large Irish populations like Boston, New York, and Chicago turned March 17th into a cause for massive celebration, complete with flashy parades that would put any aggressive Pride rally to shame. Slowly the Americans re-imported the tradition back to Ireland, and it’s now become one of Ireland’s biggest tourist events of the year. So raise a glass this St. Patty’s Day to the country that commercialized it into the blindingly green booze-fest it was always meant to be! Historical Hangovers: Could St. Patrick Really Have Banished ALL the Snakes? It’s St. Patrick’s Day legend that good old Paddy banished every last cold-blooded creature from Ireland's shores, ridding the emerald isle of snakes for eternity as penance for his no doubt scaly sins. But how legit is this tall tale anyway? Well historically speaking, Ireland likely didn’t have any snakes in the first place. Some scientists think that the island being surrounded by frigid ocean waters prevented the slithering critters from ever making their way over. But faith-based mythology doesn’t always give way to scientific logic, so Pat still got credit for snake murder anyway. Of course, "snakes" could have been metaphorical - as in, he banished the serpents of paganism from Ireland’s shores. But we all know tiny drunk leprechauns riding sea turtles make a far better visual than battling metaphorical snakes. So the legend lives on! How to Throw Your Own Irish-Themed Shindig Want to throw an epic St. Patrick’s Day bash but aren’t sure how to translate the revelry past dying crappy domestic beer green? Have no fear! I’ve got you covered for throwing down a party so slammed, that you’ll all need a hangover confession with Pat himself the next morning. First, nail the ambiance. Cover all visible surfaces in shades of emerald, lime, and forest green. We’re talking tablecloths, streamers, balloons. Go hard. If it can be greened, green it! ...
2024 Quiet Please
9 min