Introduction and Recording from June 8, 2020 Transcript: June 8, 2020 S1:E1 === [00:00:00] On the surface, this is a conversation about narcissism. On a deeper level, this is a story of exploitation, and I think it's a story many of us are experiencing. The exploitation of our energy, of our attention, and of our focus. So many of us are walking around numb and we want to come alive. We want to feel, but it feels impossible. I believe we are feeling the moanings of an earth being destroyed by injustice. The greatest exploitation that we are facing today is the exploitation of our human resources, and things do not change in silence. This podcast is for two groups of people. It's for the mothers and for research. To the mothers who are facing insanity, you are not crazy. You have done too much. You're probably still doing too much. Just stop for a moment and please hear my words. Doing more is not going to solve the problem of doing too much. The next thing, whatever [00:01:00] it may be, is not going to solve the problem. Slow down. Only then you can see what you cannot see. I'm also donating these recordings to science, to research, to study. I've learned much about my own experience by hearing other people's stories. As a society, we have a lack of evidence that shows the nuance of the patterns that are expressed within vulnerable, passive aggressive, covert behavior. Keep in mind that he always knew he was being recorded. I have only removed names and shortened the awkward silences down to 30 seconds. There are so many times when the silence hung thick in the air for over two minutes waiting for him to answer or say something, say anything. You'll get the idea, so I shortened those down to 30 seconds. I've handled many things incorrectly, and that's really how we learn. That's how we grow. I've done the very best I could every single day, and really, I think that's all we can [00:02:00] do. I am a mom of five with a 10th grade education and no other family or support. I am self taught and an avid reader. When we got married, we committed to breaking the generational cycles of abuse. We committed to our children to care and provide for them. I have held him to this commitment. Granted, he could have left, but he didn't. There is no shame in survival. And look at me surviving all over the place. As I was listening to the recordings with a friend, she remarked that they sound like true crime. And they do. It occurred to me that these recordings and their publication may very well be the thing protecting us from becoming a statistic. Well, that and my fierce energy. I am a fighter. I was trying to figure out what the heck was going on, why my marriage and life was falling apart, why everything I did failed, and why I struggled every single day. I needed [00:03:00] answers. I truly believe that the majority of women who are struggling in business is because of the male influence in our lives. It could be your husband, but it could also be a business partner or clients. In reflecting, I've seen it hundreds of times. A sign of change is change, and the only way things can change is by the secrets being revealed and the darkness coming to light. That is the purpose of this podcast, to come out of the shadows, to cast light on the dark conversations, on the pain, on the exploitation, and on my journey to finding freedom. In a way, we are all narcissists. The difference is shame and what you do with it. Shame is poison. The more you have inside of you, the more toxic you become. For me, I've found the easiest way to alchemize shame is through laughter, awareness, understanding, compassion, especially for myself, and acceptance. I [00:04:00] deconverted from Christianity by moving to Texas. I do not recommend. And yet, in that polarity, I found some of my greatest truths. I have always been an activist, a storyteller, a pot stirrer. I've dedicated my life to understanding and healing trauma. But for the first 40 years of my life, I could only recognize overt abuse. This is my journey of understanding covert abuse. When I know better, I do better. But what I didn't know was that I was naive about the fact that I was naive. Ouch, that was a white girl blunder. I've been stirring pots of racism, capitalism, and religion for 20 years, but I did not see this plot twist coming. I heal loudly. My pimp and the anti trafficking movement, they got a book. And so it only makes sense that my ex husband gets a podcast, because everything [00:05:00] ends where it begins. Like a snake eating its tail. May we all be judged by our words and actions. Why am I doing this, you might ask? Beyond the obvious notion of creating awareness and earning an income for myself and my children, breaking the chains of financial abuse, I literally cannot scrub the internet enough to remove him from the centering that he has done in my life. For the last 21 years, he has placed himself, and for the first 16 years, I very much consented ...
