Wow its a DOUBLE FEATURE! Why? Because this dude cannot abide that a movie about men dancing sensually in the rain while still claiming to be "straight street" and "straight hood" was the highest grossing movie released this week in 2004. And because my nostalgia-meter was off the charts for an MTV Movies production from the heyday of my skateboard-rock teenage years.

You Got Served features more montages of wet men than a Rocky/Rocco movie, a cringeworthy grab bag of stereotypes and tropes, and an industrial sized vat of men's hair gel. The Perfect Score gave us another movie cashing in on the fact that American Pie was all any remotely pubescent teen wanted to really watch, that Ocean's 11 was recently cool, and that Scar Jo's agent said "yes" to a full-on crotch shot...

Both these movies will leave you hunting through your junk drawer praying to the gods of low-rise jeans that you'll find your old puka-shell necklace. Grab your best B4-4 or Simple Plan CDs baby! We're going back to the Bush years!

That's a rap on January!

Serenity! No, not the good 'space' one, the unhinged, Black Mirror-wannabe one released January 25, 2019. The one that has us asking those classic, existential questions like, "What does it all mean?", "What even is reality?", and, "Given the movie's twist, does it make sense that the main character shows as much butt as he does throughout this film?"...

Let's discuss how the people are baited (see what I did there) and switched by a thrilling idea fleshed out in the trailer, with a lame twist that stinks like microwaved tunafish.

Someone should call Dr. Bob!

Only the 1980s can deliver a film whose synopsis is, "Disgraced Manhattan ex-cop re-hired by the mayor as a last ditch effort to solve the mystery of eleven women murdered by a serial killer" and say it's a comedy. This movie has it all - from wooden performances to hysterical yell-acting, protagonists with astoundingly poor judgement and ethics, to sub-plots that are wholely brought up and then dropped with no explaination, and worst of all - the criminally underused talents of Susan Sarandon and questionable decisions regarding use of face makeup. Can I have a cup of coffee... preferably espresso?