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Sex Addiction is different to Porn Addiction. Sex & Porn Addiction are different to Love Addiction. They all get set up in 3 ways:

1. Opportunity: Material accessed too early in childhood development

2. Trauma: Just as it says on the label of the can! But make trauma age-related and its impact on the immature developing brain, not what is going on in wars between Russia & Ukraine, Israel & Hamas

3. Insecure Attachment: A disruption in the early years bonding between the child and main caregivers

Definition of sex addiction: A pattern of sexual behaviours which pre-occupy your thoughts and are out of control. You cannot stay stopped for a sustainable period or consistently and it has harmful consequences and the behaviour serves a function in your life and it is used primarily to anaesthetize some negative feeling state. (The important criteria which makes it an addiction, rather than a love of sex, is that it serves a function).

Love Addiction: We all want love and affection and to feel special to at least one person. We need attachment and instinctively seek connection, especially romantic connection. There is nothing dysfunctional about wanting love and affection and connection.

Love addiction, however, is a compulsive, chronic craving and/or pursuit of romantic love in an effort to get our sense of security and worth from another person. During infatuation we believe we have that security only to be disappointed and empty again once the intensity fades. The negative consequences can be severe and yet the love addict continues to hang on to the belief that true love will fix everything.

Therefore, they eventually get back up after the hurt of rejection and try the chase again and again, even when love from at least one other, is in front of them. Caused by “Attachment”, mostly set up in childhood, it seeks to fill a perceived void, that will never actually be filled.

We all want love and affection and to feel special to at least one person. We need attachment and we instinctively seek connection, especially romantic connection. There is nothing dysfunctional about wanting love, affection and connection.

There is a difference between a Compulsion and an Addiction, even if the journey to recovery is the same. Here is a link to my whiteboard video to help better understand all of those distinctions - https://youtu.be/Sd_28nqNK1A

Get some help from The Kairos Centre. See what you cannot see. Begin to change that which you begin to better understand.

Help someone: https://igg.me/at/ThekairosCentre

Help is here for you: bit.ly/pornaddictionhelp

Gary McFarlane (BA, LLM, Dip, Certs), Accredited EMDR Practitioner.

Keywords:sex addiction, addicted, sex counseling, partner, porn addiction, recovery, sex drive, sex addiction recovery, therapist, therapy, talk show, sex therapy, podcast, sobriety, counseling, relationships, relationship counseling, relationship advice, addiction, couples, relationship therapy, couples therapy, sex therapist, online counseling, emdr therapy, emdr, sex therapy, addiction, conflict management, love addiction, love addiction therapy, behavior, marriage, marriage advice, psychology, codependency, sex life, neuroscience, sex ed, sober, sobriety, sexual dysfunction, relationship issues, sex coach, sexual, sexual trauma, trau

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The report found that 58% of respondents had seen violent pornography, including strangulation and rape scenes, before age 18, with girls more likely than boys to witness such content. Children are exposed to increasingly extreme online pornography, with concerns that new restrictions may be easily circumvented through VPNs. Worry was expressed, that even with new rules, users could bypass restrictions, as VPN usage in the UK had already increased significantly.

70% of respondents had seen it, with an average age of first exposure being 13. Boys were more likely than girls to have seen pornography and vulnerable children, including those receiving free school meals or having disabilities, were more likely to have encountered it by age 11. Children are more likely to stumble upon pornography on social media sites like Instagram, Snapchat, and TikTok than on dedicated porn sites, with many discovering it by accident rather than actively seeking it out.

X (formerly Twitter) is the most common source (outstripping the dedicated porn sites!). Other social media sites where porn is accessed, includes Snapchat at 29%, Instagram at 23%, TickTok at 22% and Youtube at 15%.

All of this is a big deal because of what is being set up in this early childhood development stage, which will play out in adulthood. Consider the definition of Porn addiction which I use:

"A pattern of sexual behaviours which pre-occupy your thoughts and are out of control. You cannot stay stopped for a sustainable period or consistently and it has harmful consequences and the behaviour serves a function in your life and it is used primarily to anaesthetize some negative feeling state. (The important criterion, which makes it an addiction, rather than a love of sex, is that, it serves a function)".

Many view the phase of childhood from birth to age 6 (and beyond) as a critical time of sensitivity, during which time, templates are created which shape future interpersonal interactions. During the sensitive period of development, a child acquires a variety of new abilities and skills that are a necessary part of child development.

There are five sensitive period categories, which include language, order, sensory skills, motor skills, and social skills. For example, The onset of male sexual imprinting is from aged 3 to 4 and peaks at 8 to 9, with an upper tail at about aged 13.

Get some help from The Kairos Centre. See what you cannot see. Begin to change that which you begin to better understand.

Help someone: https://igg.me/at/ThekairosCentre

Help is here for you: bit.ly/pornaddictionhelp

Gary McFarlane (BA, LLM, Dip, Certs), Accredited EMDR Practitioner.

Keywords:sex addiction, addicted, sex counseling, partner, porn addiction, recovery, sex drive, sex addiction recovery, therapist, therapy, talk show, sex therapy, podcast, sobriety, counseling, relationships, relationship counseling, relationship advice, addiction, couples, relationship therapy, couples therapy, sex therapist, online counseling, emdr therapy, emdr, sex therapy, addiction, conflict management, love addiction, love addiction therapy, behavior, marriage, marriage advice, psychology, codependency, sex life, neuroscience, sex ed, sober, sobriety, sexual dysfunction, relationship issues, sex coach, sexual, sexual traum

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"It was aged....and I came across my [parents] stash of porn. I kept going back to view when they were out and took a few to my my room. They never knew".

That is the very typical answer that I have been given by a large percentage of my adult clients when taking them through my History Taking Questionnaire. I ask them 188 questions over three 50 minutes sessions and their answers help me and them to build a profile understanding of the client from birth to current adult age; in order to answer the key question - for working with in EMDR and/or my Recovery Programme - 'What happened to you back there during childhood development'.

It is not about allocating blame to parents. I say to clients that before allocating blame to parents, they would need to first consider the parents who parented their parents to see the batons and scripts handed to their parents; by implication - for the client to 'get it/understand' what the client is likely to be passing on to their children - despite their parents filtering off the worse excesses of what happened to then, so as not to pass the same excess to their children. Get it?

It is about 'curiosity', not blame inquisition. It is about getting into the sandpit with the client.

Answering the question 'What happened back there' - helps to better understand the brain's choice of preferred self-soothing behaviour for the adversity which was impacting them back there in childhood. (The client does not choose the type of compulsive behaviour. The brain chooses). That repeat (order from the menu!) over time, unwittingly became a compulsive response to a real or expected or perceived 'look alike' similar adversity.

They have embarked on the hamster wheel; created a 'go-to'; carved out a habit; etched on the brain a neural pathway, to manage emotions by escape and camouflaging the adversity for a while. Problem: They are skipping the developmental brains training to use more positive life-skill coping strategies which other children are learning. Problem: They have to begin anew in adulthood to now learn for the first time, those postponed learning that were tools in the toolkit armoury which other children acquired.

Problem: They are unaware that what is also happening at that early age, is that the physiology of the body was being changed to become 'use dependent' on the very potent neurochemical mix being secreted into their immature brain - called Dopamine, Serotonin, Oxytocin, norephrinepine - which are as potent as illegal street drugs.

Get some help from The Kairos Centre. See what you cannot see. Begin to change that which you begin to better understand.

Help someone: https://igg.me/at/ThekairosCentre

Help is here for you: bit.ly/pornaddictionhelp

Gary McFarlane (BA, LLM, Dip, Certs), Accredited EMDR Practitioner.

Keywords:sex addiction, addicted, sex counseling, partner, porn addiction, recovery, sex drive, sex addiction recovery, therapist, therapy, talk show, sex therapy, podcast, sobriety, counseling, relationships, relationship counseling, relationship advice, addiction, couples, relationship therapy, couples therapy, sex therapist, online counseling, emdr therapy, emdr, sex therapy, addiction, conflict management, love addiction, love addiction therapy, behavior, marriage, marriage advice, psychology, codependency, sex life, neuroscience, sex ed, sober, sobriety, sexual dysfunction, relationship issues, sex coach, sexual, sexual tr

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