Parent Judgment Podcast

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0:07 ANNMARIE MCMAHILL:

Hello, I'm Annmarie McMahill and this is a Tools for Your Child’s Success podcast.

I'm sure you've heard it too, the judgment that parents these days aren't doing a good job, that parents are out of touch or too soft, that they give in to their kids too easily, they're over involved helicopter parents or under involved don't care parents. Maybe you heard some unsolicited advice on your parenting choices, your birthing choice, your feeding practice or your sleep routines.

In this podcast, we'll be talking about parent judgment.

BARB HOPKIN:

I really feel that this is such an important topic for community and for parents to support each other and understand each other on our unique path is so critical to avoiding judgment. And you know, parenting is not easy, and there's definitely not a right way to handle challenges or even to celebrate successes. So knowing that we have the ability to confidently navigate judgment from others, while still being very mindful of differences in parenting so as not to pass judgment will not only help us grow as parents and do the best for our children, but also create that supportive parenting community that can be so healthy for parents and their children.

ANNMARIE MCMAHILL:

Parent judgment can manifest in different ways including overt criticism, unsolicited advice, subtle disapproval, gossip, or even silent disapproving glances.

Parent judgment can have a significant impact on the well-being and confidence of parents who experience it. It can lead to feelings of self-doubt, guilt, shame or frustration. And it can also create a sense of isolation and make parents hesitate to seek support or share their challenges for fear of being judged.

BARB HOPKIN:

We all have the power to define our worth as a parent. So really focusing on what's most important, our child's happiness, trusting our instincts, and having that supportive network or reaching out for professional help when needed.

ANNMARIE MCMAHILL:

I'd like to introduce our guests for today's podcast, Barbara Hopkin. Barb earned her master's degree in counseling from the University of Wyoming. She's worked with children and families as a community mental health counselor and as a school counselor. More recently, she's played a critical role developing the tools and resources that are found on ToolsforYourChildsSuccess.org. So welcome, Barb.

BARB HOPKIN:

Thank you, Annmarie. I'm so excited to be here. Parent judgment is such an important topic for parents who feel judged as well as parents who find themselves judging. As parents, we always tend to be our own harshest critic, so knowing how to deal with judgment is really important to growing our confidence. And oftentimes, the times when judgment comes up, parents need support more than ever.

ANNMARIE MCMAHILL:

So parents judge each other in a lot of situations and on a range of parenting choices and behaviors. Let's just talk about some of those situations where parents tend to judge each other.

BARB HOPKIN:

There are quite a few situations where judgment comes up, ranging from parenting styles when it comes to different disciplinary approaches, attachment parenting, free range parenting, authoritative parenting versus permissive parenting. A lot of judgment can come up when it comes to feeding and nutrition, breastfeeding versus formula feeding, when to introduce solid foods and then dietary choices as kids grow. Screen time and technology use can definitely be a topic that brings judgment, varying limits on screen time, what's age appropriate content wise, electronic device use it can all have very different approaches from different parents, which leads to judgment. When it comes to education, the choice between home school and public school, private...

Improve Your relationship with Your Parenting Partner Podcast - Part 2

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0:07 ANNMARIE MCMAHILL:

Hello, I'm Annmarie McMahill and this is a Tools for Your Child’s Success podcast.

This is the second podcast of two where we’re talking about intentional ways to grow a healthy relationship with your parenting partner. If you haven’t already listened to Part 1 yet, that’s OK. You might want to listen to it next.

As parents, we want to be at our best for our children. I've learned that if I want to be at my best, I need to take care of my own health and wellbeing and that includes learning ways to improve my relationship with my parenting partner.

Many of us experience changes in our relationship when we become parents, a child can bring about positive changes, there might be a new and different level of connection. A child can bring about strains too, less sleep, less time to talk, less time to spend together.

We might find ourselves disagreeing more, we might not have the energy to sort out the differences as they arise. Intentionally growing a healthy relationship with your parenting partner means that we are nurturing and strengthening our relationship, often by figuring out ways to communicate in a way that deepens our intimacy.

I'd like to re-introduce our guests for the podcast, Tom and Mary Frances Burke who have been married for 42 years, Steve and Debbie Robbins who have been married 37 years, and Father Tom Ogg, who has been a priest for 54 years.

Together they have over 100 years of working together with couples to help them listen and share and connect more deeply in their relationships.

In Part 1, we learned about how trust and being able to communicate about our feelings creates a foundation for strong relationships between parenting partners.

We heard a definition of feelings...

FR. TOM OGG:

What is a feeling? And the understanding or the definition, if you will, that I like is an inner, spontaneous reaction to something outside, to another person, another situation, to an event, something outside ourselves, but it's an inner, spontaneous reaction. And if I have that that frees me up for lots of things so that I can talk about it, I can fuss about it, I can do whatever, and not be hurting anybody. It's me, my insides.

ANNMARIE MCMAHILL:

And how this definition really can change how we approach communicating about our feelings…

MARY FRANCES BURKE:

I think when we accept the basic tenet that feelings just happen. We don't choose to feel angry, we don't choose to feel happy, we just are. We have a good friend who says, "Feelings are like a sneeze," it just happens. And I think when we accept that basic tenet, we can let down our defenses and talk in a more civil, polite, understanding way about the situation, we're much less likely to be defensive and angry, "Well, you shouldn't feel that way," or, "I didn't make you feel that way," or, "That's not my problem, that's your problem, fix it."

ANNMARIE MCMAHILL:

So I think the ability to identify and name your feelings is so foundational, but for you to listen to each other is another skill that can be practiced and grown. So, let’s start Part 2 on the skill of listening. How do we become better at listening?

DEBBIE ROBBINS:

I am a terrible listener, but I have forced myself to start to learn. And I think when Steve is communicating at a deeper level, when he is talking about his feelings, it is really my responsibility to listen deeply and understand and ask questions. "Well, when else have you felt like that? What color is that? What smell is that? What other vision does it bring, if this feeling were on the street, what would it be doing?" And trying to just put myself totally 100% focused on him at the moment really has helped me to learn to listen and to let go of...

Being at Your Best as a Parent.Taking Care of Your Health and Wellbeing Podcast

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0:07 ANNMARIE MCMAHILL:

Hello, I'm Annmarie McMahill and this is a Tools for Your Child’s Success podcast.

As parents, we want to be at our best for our children. I’ve learned that if I want to be at my best, I need to take care of my own health and wellbeing, and that includes my social and emotional health along with my physical health.

JENNIFER MILLER:

We need to look at ways to care for ourselves, care for our wellbeing in order to be the parents we want to be, and I think it starts with really small steps.

ANNMARIE MCMAHILL:

Many of us experience changes in our relationship with ourselves when we’re in a parenting role. A child brings about positive changes in identity as we play a necessary role in their lives. But a child can bring about some strains too - less sleep, less time to connect with others, less time for nutrition, exercise and reflection. We might find ourselves feeling stressed, depleted, or even overwhelmed more often and feeling incapable of devoting energy to our own well-being when we are so focused on caring for others.

JENNIFER MILLER:

I think our kids need to understand that we are human and that we are constantly learning and developing, and that they are part of that learning and development.

ANNMARIE MCMAHILL:

I’d like to introduce our guest for today’s podcast. Jennifer Miller, author of the book “Confident Parents, Confident Kids; Raising Emotional Intelligence In Our Kids and Ourselves from Toddlers to Teenagers.” Jennifer has over 25 years of experience working with adults - whether educators or parents - helping them become more effective with the children they care for by learning to nurture their social and emotional well-being. She will be sharing some valuable insights on ways in which busy parents and caregivers can care for their own well-being in the midst of the many demands they face.

ANNMARIE MCMAHILL:

Welcome, thanks for being here.

JENNIFER MILLER:

Thanks Annmarie, I'm looking forward to our conversation today.

ANNMARIE MCMAHILL:

So, to get started. Most of us know that we should eat healthy food and get exercise to feel better and contribute to our health. But what do you mean when you say contributing to a parent's social and emotional health? What is social and emotional health and what does that look like?

JENNIFER MILLER:

I'm going to start out with emotional health. I think we, uh, have to know our inner expressions, our inner states and, uh, that's no small feat in a culture that tells us what we can feel, what we can't feel, what we can show in public, what we can't show in public. So most of us are not that well in tune with what's going on with our emotions. So, it takes attention, it takes acceptance of what we're feeling, it takes some reflection to ask questions about the what and the way. What are we feeling? Often it's a constellation of a mix of emotions.

Sometimes they're conflicting, sometimes we don't have language that really works for us to pinpoint what we're feeling, which can be really frustrating. And, we see it in our children, we see it in our teens when we ask them what they're feeling and they can't really well communicate what's going on inside. So, it takes that reflection of asking both the what, what are we really feeling here? And then why. What- what triggered it? What circumstances are surrounding it? And an even deeper question is where did it come from?

So emotions are created, are learned over a lifetime, and often our emotions stem from situations that occurred when we were young. And when we have those emotions as a parent, we don't necessarily draw that history or connection to that...

Being at Your Best as a Parent.Taking Care of Your Health and Wellbeing Podcast

0:00 MUSIC

0:07 ANNMARIE MCMAHILL:

Hello, I'm Annmarie McMahill and this is a Tools for Your Child’s Success podcast.

As parents, we want to be at our best for our children. I’ve learned that if I want to be at my best, I need to take care of my own health and wellbeing, and that includes my social and emotional health along with my physical health.

JENNIFER MILLER:

We need to look at ways to care for ourselves, care for our wellbeing in order to be the parents we want to be, and I think it starts with really small steps.

ANNMARIE MCMAHILL:

Many of us experience changes in our relationship with ourselves when we’re in a parenting role. A child brings about positive changes in identity as we play a necessary role in their lives. But a child can bring about some strains too - less sleep, less time to connect with others, less time for nutrition, exercise and reflection. We might find ourselves feeling stressed, depleted, or even overwhelmed more often and feeling incapable of devoting energy to our own well-being when we are so focused on caring for others.

JENNIFER MILLER:

I think our kids need to understand that we are human and that we are constantly learning and developing, and that they are part of that learning and development.

ANNMARIE MCMAHILL:

I’d like to introduce our guest for today’s podcast. Jennifer Miller, author of the book “Confident Parents, Confident Kids; Raising Emotional Intelligence In Our Kids and Ourselves from Toddlers to Teenagers.” Jennifer has over 25 years of experience working with adults - whether educators or parents - helping them become more effective with the children they care for by learning to nurture their social and emotional well-being. She will be sharing some valuable insights on ways in which busy parents and caregivers can care for their own well-being in the midst of the many demands they face.

ANNMARIE MCMAHILL:

Welcome, thanks for being here.

JENNIFER MILLER:

Thanks Annmarie, I'm looking forward to our conversation today.

ANNMARIE MCMAHILL:

So, to get started. Most of us know that we should eat healthy food and get exercise to feel better and contribute to our health. But what do you mean when you say contributing to a parent's social and emotional health? What is social and emotional health and what does that look like?

JENNIFER MILLER:

I'm going to start out with emotional health. I think we, uh, have to know our inner expressions, our inner states and, uh, that's no small feat in a culture that tells us what we can feel, what we can't feel, what we can show in public, what we can't show in public. So most of us are not that well in tune with what's going on with our emotions. So, it takes attention, it takes acceptance of what we're feeling, it takes some reflection to ask questions about the what and the way. What are we feeling? Often it's a constellation of a mix of emotions.

Sometimes they're conflicting, sometimes we don't have language that really works for us to pinpoint what we're feeling, which can be really frustrating. And, we see it in our children, we see it in our teens when we ask them what they're feeling and they can't really well communicate what's going on inside. So, it takes that reflection of asking both the what, what are we really feeling here? And then why. What- what triggered it? What circumstances are surrounding it? And an even deeper question is where did it come from?

So emotions are created, are learned over a lifetime, and often our emotions stem from situations that occurred when we were young. And when we have those emotions as a parent, we don't necessarily draw that history or connection to that...

Having Conversations About Alcohol and Drug Use Podcast

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0:07 ANNMARIE MCMAHILL:

Hello, I'm Annmarie McMahill and this is a Tools for Your Child’s Success podcast. In this podcast, we'll be talking about how to have conversations with your child about alcohol and drug use.

DR. ANJALI NANDI

It's incredibly important that we have ongoing conversations with our kids. As parents, we play one of the most important roles in developing their decision making skills and in helping them translate their values into action.

ANNMARIE MCMAHILL

I'd like to introduce today's guest, Dr. Anjali NandiI.

Dr. Nandi is an organizational consultant in the human service field. She supports criminal justice agencies, hospitals and medical providers and schools find innovative ways of developing their potential through leadership training, program valuations, skill building, staff wellness and implementation of evidence based practices. She designs and delivers training in the fields of behavior change and addictions throughout the country.

In her clinical work as a bilingual psychotherapist, Dr. Nandi has been the program director of state-licensed out-patient drug and alcohol treatment agencies in Colorado, and for over 20 years has provided individual and group therapies to clients, including adolescents with depression, anxiety, addictions and trauma.

ANNMARIE MCMAHILL:

Welcome, Anjali, thanks for being here.

DR. ANJALI NANDI:

Thank you for having me. It's a pleasure to be here.

ANNMARIE MCMAHILL:

So having conversations about alcohol, marijuana and other drugs with our children isn't easy. It can be frightening and leave parents feeling overwhelmed and ill equipped. My hope for today is that we can discuss some of the conversations that we should be having with our kids about alcohol and drugs and get specific ideas of what those conversations really sound like. Sometimes we might want one conversation that's as simple as saying, like, "You don't drink or do drugs, do you?" But we know that it really needs to be a lot of conversations. And all of these conversations are seeking to grow skills within our kids. So to begin today, I think, if you want to discuss for a few minutes, the influence that parents and those in a parenting role have in addressing alcohol and drug use with their kids.

DR. ANJALI NANDI:

Yeah, that's so important, because parents plays such an incredibly important role when, uh, growing and maturing their kids. So it's very easy for us as parents to think that we don't matter, that it's really only social media and friends and school, and whatever exposure our kids are getting from the outside world, that that's really where they're learning. And yes, that is true, they are learning from all of these different places, but as parents, we play one of the most important roles in developing their moral compass, in developing their decision making skills, and in helping them translate their values into action.

So it's incredibly important that we have ongoing conversations with our kids, even though sometimes these conversations are incredibly clumsy. I know from personal experience, my conversations are always clumsy with my kiddo, who's a teenager. Uh, and yet, having frequent and ongoing short conversations, with our kids have such an incredible impact on, uh, the decisions that they make, in terms of, uh, drug use in particular, since that's what we're talking about.

ANNMARIE MCMAHILL:

I think that it's interesting to think about, you know, coming at it with a bit of a plan, because my conversations too, have been rather clumsy, but I think to have a plan and look for those, for those opportunities, is key. And I think to realize as well, that it's not some other

Communications Podcast

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0:07 ANNMARIE MCMAHILL:

Hello, I'm Annmarie McMahill and this is a Tools for Your Child’s Success podcast.

In this podcast we'll be learning about intentional communication. I'd like to introduce our guest for today's podcast, Dr. Kari Finley. Dr. Finley is a licensed clinical social worker who has over a decade of experience working with individuals and families in rural communities. Now, Dr. Finley's a research scholar at Montana State University where her primary research interests are on understanding and creating behavior change, preventing the misuse of substances, and child wellbeing. Kari's a contributing author to many of the tools and resources found on the website. She's also the mom of an eight year old.

So welcome, Kari. Thanks for being here today.

DR. KARI FINLEY:

Hi, thank you. Thanks for having me.

ANNMARIE MCMAHILL:

All right. So we're gonna get started today by having you explain a little bit about what is meant by intentional communication.

DR. KARI FINLEY:

Intentional communication is really talking, listening and spending time to really understand your child's point of view.Intentional communication really is about intentionality where you come into the conversation in a different way. You're really trying to engage with your child and understand your child's point of view. As parents, we are working all the time to build our children's skills. And intentional communication is a way that we can build their social/emotional skills and, at the same time, build the relationship that we have with them.

ANNMARIE MCMAHILL:

So there's a difference, it sounds like, between talking with your child and not at your child. I know, um, that can be a bit different. I- I think I, I strive for talking with my child. But sometimes it comes out like I am- I'm talking at my child.

DR. KARI FINLEY:

I think with intentional communication you're really creating opportunities where you and your child can listen to each other and understand what the other person or what your child is feeling, as well as what they want and what they need. I think it's also about modeling. It's modeling a way of communicating that really focuses on the relationship you have with them.

ANNMARIE MCMAHILL:

There are times, I think, that a parent needs to just talk, I guess, at their child, be more direct and, you know, not engage in a conversation. So you are- you are not saying that this is, like, a way of talking all the time, right? There's times where you still need to be super direct with your kids.

DR. KARI FINLEY:

So yes. Absolutely. If their hand is gonna touch a hot stove or you need to stop them from crossing a street without looking, for the most part, intentional communication really focuses on your relationship. But in these instances where they're gonna touch the hot stove or, or cross the street, your focus really is on their safety.

ANNMARIE MCMAHILL:

I feel like I'm in that groove of, of being really intentional in my communication, but for example, this morning, um, when I think I tripped on my daughter's shoes for, like, the 10th time this week, I was frustrated. So are you- I want to be direct in that case. But you are saying that this is a time for being more intentional in the way that I talk with her.

DR. KARI FINLEY:

You know, I wouldn't want to engage when you're frustrated and you've just tripped over her shoes. Um, you might need some time first. And then to come back when you both would feel calm and ready to talk. But using intentional communication to have a conversation about her shoes is a great example.

ANNMARIE MCMAHILL:

All right. So help me understand why. Um, because I think, you know, parenting can be difficult. Um, and we have a lot to think...

Social and Emotional Development Podcast

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0:07 ANNMARIE MCMAHILL:

Hello, I'm Annmarie McMahill and this is a Tools for Your Child’s Success podcast.

In this podcast, we'll be learning from an expert in the field about social and emotional development, what it means, its importance and some examples of how to grow these skills for your child's success.

DR. MAURICE ELIAS:

We don't stop developing socially and emotionally, it starts when you're born, and it keeps going, because social and emotional development is really about how do we get along in life? How do we interact with other people? How do we organize ourselves to get things done?

ANNMARIE MCMAHILL

I'd like to introduce our guest for today's podcast, Dr. Maurice Elias is one of the pioneers of social and emotional development. He's a professor in the psychology department at Rutgers University, Director of the Rutgers Social-Emotional and Character Development Lab, and Co-director of the Academy for SEL in Schools. He's also a pioneer and founding member of the leadership team for CASEL, the Collaborative for Academic, Social and Emotional Learning. He's written Emotionally Intelligent Parenting, Talking Treasure: Stories to Help Build Emotional Intelligence and Resilience in Young Children, The Joys & Oys of Parenting and Nurturing Students' Character: Everyday Teaching Activities for Social-Emotional Learning. He blogs on social and emotional development at edutopia.org, and he lectures nationally and internationally.

ANNMARIE MCMAHILL:

Well, let's start today by having you explain a little bit more of what is meant by social and emotional development.

DR. MAURICE ELIAS:

I should preface this by saying, I have a new granddaughter who is three months plus old, so this gives me a perspective on seeing how everything develops. You see her physical development, you see her social development and how she engages with her parents and with other people. You see her, you see her emotional development, how she is able to control herself, and, and so when you have the privilege of watching, uh, a newborn, especially as a grandparent, um, you just see everything develops, and of course that includes your social and emotional person.

Um, and, and of... and we don't stop developing socially and emotionally, i- it starts when you're born, and we... it keeps going, because social and emotional development is really about how do we get along in life? How do we interact with other people? How do we organize ourselves to get things done? Um, all of that depends on, on aspects of our social and emotional development, and so, uh, so these are, uh, skills that everybody, uh, starts with and... that we want to develop over time, so that people can handle situations, manage well, um, you know, live a productive and constructive life and deal with other people and know how to do that. So that's kind of, uh, you know, that's kind of what social and emotional development is about, it's, it's critically important to everybody.

ANNMARIE MCMAHILL:

What do you think some things, um, that parents might misunderstand about social and emotional development?

DR. MAURICE ELIAS:

Well, you know, I think sometimes, uh, people think in terms of character, and they think that certain things are inborn, that, you know, "My kid's a certain kind of kid," and, then that's just the way they are, but in reality, uh, we have... we, we come, we come out with like these different factory presets. You know, some kids are indeed calmer than others, and some kids are indeed more active than others, but all of these things can be modified over time by the way we treat kids and the way they interact with the world. So I think one, um, misconception that parents have, is the extent to which social and...

Parenting Process for Your Child's Success Podcast

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0:07 ANNMARIE MCMAHILL:

Hello, I'm Annmarie McMahill and this is a Tools for Your Child’s Success podcast.. In this podcast, we'll be learning about a parenting process for your child's success.

BARBARA HOPKIN:

Having a process to follow, to build relationships and communication skills really sets kids up for positive things in their future.

ANNMARIE MCMAHILL:

I'd like to introduce our guest today, BARBARA HOPKIN. Barbara earned her bachelor's degree in English Education from Florida State University. After teaching middle and high school students, she earned her master's degree in counseling from the University of Wyoming. Barbara's worked with children and families as a community, mental health counselor, and school counselor. So welcome Barbara.

BARBARA HOPKIN:

Thank you.

ANNMARIE MCMAHILL:

Thanks for being here. We are talking about a parenting process for a child success today. A step by step process parents or someone in a parenting role can follow. So let's start today by having you explain a little bit more about what this is.

BARBARA HOPKIN:

The parenting process is a way for parents to interact with their children. It can be used to address simple challenges or more complex challenges. But it's intentional and it can really build your child's skills. It can also really improve your relationship with your child, as well as your communication with your child as you use the process.

ANNMARIE MCMAHILL:

So I'm pretty certain that when I was growing up, my parents didn't have a process they were following. And early on with my own kids, I know I read books and I soaked up theories on parenting, but once they arrived, a lot of what I learned, it just went out the window. So using a parenting process sounds a bit daunting. How do you even get started?

BARBARA HOPKIN:

So you begin slowly and you choose one issue or topic that you'd like to practice the process to address. Maybe you'd like to work on confidence with your child, or maybe you're hoping to grow, to grow their reading skills. Then once you decide where you'd like to start on the website, you pick a tool for your child's age and begin working through it as a guide, there's step by step ideas of how to get started and what to say. There are summaries to print out so that you have the ability to post the tool that you chose somewhere, and it's easy to access. And as you become more familiar with the process, you become more comfortable and you might even find yourself using it without a specific tool to address things that come up in daily life with your child.

ANNMARIE MCMAHILL:

So I know that throughout the day, I have a lot of conversations with my kids. But I don't plan out each one like that. How, how would you even get started, doing something like the parenting process?

BARBARA HOPKIN:

So you think about areas that you'd like to see a change, maybe a behavior that isn't going well. And then by using the process, you really get to have an engaging conversation with your child about what's going on, how they're feeling about what's going on, and then you get to decide, you know, what skills you would like to teach them and be able to support them through using the process to grow new skills and change behaviors.

ANNMARIE MCMAHILL:

So it's not, it's a process, it's not a script, right? It's just a way of interacting with your kid?

BARBARA HOPKIN:

Exactly. It's a way of interacting and it's some steps to follow, but you don't have to follow them in order every time either. So it's just a way of interacting in a process to communicate that really conveys respect and helps children gain...