Christian finally gets his ear pierced — but what does it mean to permanently alter your body? Is it self-expression, a longing for transformation, or simply an overdue homage to a bodybuilding uncle from childhood? Meanwhile, Josh is quietly seething at his neighbours who refuse to bring their bins in — but is it really about the bins, or about the unspoken social contract we all silently agree to uphold?

When is it okay to make a fuss? Why do some people seem completely unaware of the space they take up in the world? And is there such a thing as a “gateway piercing”? We also ask: do we secretly believe there’s virtue in pain? Are people with spatial awareness just more evolved? And at what age does it become acceptable to accept candy from a stranger?

Whether you’re lying down clutching your partner’s hand before a piercing, or gently nudging your neighbour toward a more aesthetically cohesive streetscape — join us as we sew a new patch into our quilt of friendship.

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With Dion away, Christian and Josh settle in for a two-hander that begins with Christian’s recent holiday — and the logistical challenge of who would feed the cats. Christian reveals he enlisted six different friends (including Josh) and provided an extensive PDF detailing every aspect of Moe and Gus’s care. We unpack the line between thoughtful preparation and over-engineering. Is it helpful or excessive to include things like backstories, indexes, and optional enrichment activities? Should you instruct friends to “play with the cats”? And why do pets seem to get more detailed care notes than actual children?

We also explore how people interpret instructions differently and what makes a favour feel like a burden versus a shared act of community. Is it overkill to create a video walkthrough of how to reach your lockbox? Or is it actually a kindness?

Later, we shift into kitchen territory to tackle one surprisingly divisive question: should you stir your drinks with a fork or a spoon? Christian swears by the fork for Metamucil, Josh agrees (in this one case), and the debate expands. Does the utensil depend on the drink? Should we be rinsing and reusing, or are we just transferring wet teaspoons into dry coffee jars?

Along the way, we challenge the usefulness of whisks, praise the versatility of silicon spatulas, and call for an overhaul of salad tongs — especially when time spent tonging for capsicum might be socially judged.

Also in this patch: talcum powder confusion, Pyrex nostalgia, and a cat who may now have a job.

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We begin this patch with Josh recounting a recent trip to the Great Australian Beer Spectacular and Dion arriving at the wrong venue, shitting himself. Which kicks off a discussion about lateness, accountability, and how best to communicate when you're running behind. Should you send an ETA, or photographic proof of your position? Is sharing a live location too passive? And do you owe other people in the queue an explanation when a friend joins you at the front?

Christian posits whether his favourite ice cream flavour should be buried at the bottom of a cone, and whether we should be given more agency when ordering ice-cream - from scoop order to portion size. Christian also shares his short-lived stint as an ice cream attendant.

We also consider when it’s acceptable for Josh to trust a student dentist with the care of his teeth, and where we draw the line between acceptable cost-cutting and unnecessary risk.

And what actually defines a “professional”? Is it skill, training, pay, or just human with a pair of scissors?

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How do you answer a phone call from someone you know? Christian insists on full name protocol, Josh still lives in landline times, and Dion’s trying to avoid getting deepfaked by AI. We discuss phone etiquette, voicemail anxiety, and the emotional scars of group chats that never end.

Then it’s off to Plenty Gorge, where Christian wears sensible activewear and Josh casually turns up in jeans. We question what counts as a hike, how many hills justify a sweat, and whether bringing water on a “walk” is ever truly necessary.

From there, it’s bags, where Josh’s military-grade backpack becomes the fourth guest on the show!

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Christian’s car is on empty, Josh’s brain is on husk, and Dion thinks a mouse has a mortgage.

Christian kicks things off by pushing his car well past the fuel light, trusting the mysterious dot-dot-dot to get him home. Josh prefers a more conservative two-thirds–full approach, and Dion shares his experience of running out of petrol almost within reach of the bowser. We compare our refuelling habits, quietly question each other’s life choices, and try to remember what side the fuel cap is on.

Things then shift to mice. Dion’s convinced they have homes. Josh wonders where they go to sleep, and Christian’s interested in what spiders are doing with all their neatly wrapped flies. We also touch on skirting board secrets and psyllium husk.

Finally, we introduce you to our very own large language model, PatchGPT.

With very special guests Elon Husk and Snap Rat.

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Dion has finally succumbed to caffeine dependency, and Christian and Josh interrogate his new addiction. What makes a good coffee order? Why does Dion refuse to learn the difference between a flat white and a cappuccino?

Meanwhile, Christian grapples with existential dread every morning, and Josh suggests he simply “get in the shower.” We question whether professional athletes should thank water runners, why tennis demands silence while Formula 1 drivers scream for their lives, and whether football players ignore the national anthem to appear cool.

Plus, Dion reveals a deeply unsettling secret about his morning alarm.

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In this Patch, we crown pizza as the best party food for a large group of people before trying to define some rules around quantity, presentation and flavour. Christian feels that hosts must announce the arrival of the pizza to the party, Dion reflects on the pathetic image of guests hovering around unopened pizza boxes and we collectively ask if any other food could act in pizza's place. Josh then recounts a supermarket stakeout involving a would-be Heineken slab thief, and we ponder the ethics of 'dobbing' as an adult. Do you really care about someone stealing from a large supermarket chain? Dion targets Josh for wearing two novelty items to the recording before Josh ponders his responsibilities as a 'tall person' in a crowd. Is there tall privilege? Are taller people really more attractive?

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Dion and Christian argue over whether someone can feel proud of arriving to a location on time. Josh tries to share a frustrating experience of being stuck in a queue that wasn't moving at the Australian Open but neither Dion or Christian can understand what he's saying. After some translating, we discuss the circumstances that might make someone leave a queue early and whether those circumstances change when waiting in a phone queue. Finally, Dion asks Josh and Christian to really consider whether the Imperial system is superior to the Metric system and we decide on which unit of measurement we would take with us to a desert island.

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For a couple of dollars a month you can sign up to our Patreon page and get a bonus Patch every off week! Check out: www.patreon.com/welcometopatchwork

Support the show: https://www.patreon.com/welcometopatchwork

See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.