Teen Humor

In the great tradition of the American almanac, The Areas of My Expertise is a brilliant and hilarious compendium of handy reference tables, fascinating trivia, and sage wisdom on all topics large and small. Although best sellers such as Poor Richard's Almanack and The Book of Lists were certainly valuable, they also were largely true.

Scott Ferdowsi has a track record of quitting. Writing the Great American Novel? Three chapters. His summer internship? One week. His best friends know exactly what they want to do with the rest of their lives, but Scott can't commit to a breakfast cereal, let alone a passion. With college applications looming, Scott's parents pressure him to get serious about a career path like engineering or medicine. Desperate for help, he sneaks off to Washington, DC, to seek guidance from a famous professor who specializes in grit, the psychology of success.

Okay, so just know from the start that it wasn't supposed to go like this. All we wanted was to get near The Ruperts, our favorite boy band. We didn't mean to kidnap one of the guys. It kind of, sort of happened that way. But now he's tied up in our hotel room. And the worst part of all, it's Rupert P. All four members of The Ruperts might have the same first name, but they couldn't be more different. And Rupert P. is the biggest flop out of the whole group.

Musical genius Mackenzie is desperate to get into Juilliard, even if it means playing a duet with her best friend's boyfriend. Beautiful Ava isn't above using her assets to get an A. Athletic Caitlin is one goal away from a soccer scholarship - if she can call a time-out on her relationship drama. Popular Julie has it all - literally, thanks to her hoarder mom - and will do anything to keep her family's secret. And former It Girl Parker is experimenting with her wild side.

I just returned from the mall after school shopping with my soon-to-be sophomore and her friend. I now understand why fathers opt to go camping, roll around in elk urine, and shit in a hole rather than go to the mall three days before school starts. As if the crowds weren’t bad enough, my girl decided to wear a flannel that hung lower than her shorts, making it appear that she was walking around naked from the waist down. She was flocked by sales people, who, I am sure, were calculating their commissions in their heads. I mean, why not?

It's not easy being Rafe Khatchadorian's sister. He's got quite a reputation around school, and Georgia's got it hard enough as is! Georgia can't help but throw all her energy into the one thing that makes her happy: her kick-butt, all-girl rock band, We Stink! When Georgia's favorite rock band, Lulu and the Handbags, advertises a major music competition where the winner gets to jam with Lulu herself, Georgia will pull all the stops to make sure We Stink wins - even if it means asking her annoying older brother, Rafe, for help!

Jamie’s an aspiring standup comic in Los Angeles with a growing case of stage anxiety. Siri’s a stunning ballerina from New Jersey nursing a career-changing injury. They’ve both signed up for the same session at an off the grid Re-Discover Yourself Retreat in Colorado. When they run into each other, their worlds turn upside down.

Richard's cousin is missing, and his best hope of finding her rests with the wily, one-eyed, ex-governor of Florida. Carl Hiaasen introduces his iconic character Skink to a younger audience in this nail-biting adventure! Classic Malley: Her parents are about to ship her off to boarding school, so she takes off with some guy she met online...Poor Richard: He's less of a rebel than Malley, and a lot less trusting. He knows his cousin is in trouble before she does. Wild Skink: He's a ragged, one-eyed, ex-governor of Florida, and enough of a renegade to think he can track Malley down.

Yet another brilliant entry in Kenemore’s zombie canon - Cap’n Hook meets the undead. Set in the Caribbean of the eighteenth century, the epicenter of piracy, voodoo, and the dark arts, The Code of the Zombie Pirate reveals all the secrets to selecting, customizing, and managing a motley crew of pirates-cum-zombies.

Harry Houdini. Penn and Teller. David Copperfield. Marcus Millian the Third. Okay, so Marcus isn't a famous magician. He may not even be a great magician. But his great-grandfather, the once-legendary and long-retired Zachary the Stupendous, insists Marcus has true talent. And when Grandpa Zachary boasts that he and Marcus are working on an illusion that will shock, stun, and astonish, Marcus wishes he could make himself disappear.

Rupert P. Brown’s biggest worry about sixth grade is it might be, well, a little bit dull. After all, how can a fellow be expected to top a fifth grade year in which his best friend was kidnapped, and he found out his best teacher ever was a real, honest-to-goodness witch? But when Rupert types the word "computowitch" in an e-mail message, his screen goes all green, and then his parakeet starts giving him math lessons. He knows it can only mean one thing: Miss Switch is back!

Everyone at the large agricultural college dubbed Moo U. has an agenda. Whether it's massaging data, running secret experiments, or seducing the powerful, each person is dedicated to a plan. Meet Dr. Lionel Gift, who feels that his economic principles come directly from God. Visit with "Earl Butz", who is being groomed to be the biggest hog in history. Mull over The Common Wisdom, what every secretary knows. As these agendas begin to collide, Moo trots toward a deliciously loony climax.

Mystery-book aficionado Birdie Lindberg has an overactive imagination. Raised in isolation and homeschooled by strict grandparents, she's cultivated a whimsical fantasy life in which she plays the heroic detective and every stranger is a suspect. But her solitary world expands when she takes a job the summer before college, working the graveyard shift at a historic Seattle hotel. In her new job, Birdie hopes to blossom from introverted dreamer to brave pioneer, and gregarious Daniel Aoki volunteers to be her guide.

From professional athletes like Tiger Woods and Michael Jordan to philosophers like Confucius, inspirational business books love to suggest that listeners can succeed in business and in life by adopting the traits of their famous subjects. In Z.E.O. by Scott Kenemore, frustrated employees will finally find inspiration in a source they can already relate to: zombies!

From heroic George Washington to the dastardly Richard Nixon, the oval office has been occupied by larger-than-life personalities since 1789. The position comes with enormous power and responsibility, and every American president thus far has managed to achieve great things. However, the President of the United States is only human - and oftentimes far from perfect. While some men suffered through only minor mishaps during their time in office, others are famously remembered for leaving behind much bigger messes.

At 14, Robert "Hutch" Hutchinson is out of luck. His charm and singing voice can't keep him out of trouble anymore. When he's arrested (again): he's given a choice: die in juvie or become a shadow: the fearless, unstoppable, and top-secret guardian of a Future Important Person, or FIP. With nothing to lose, Hutch accepts. After two grueling years at the Future Affairs Training and Education (FATE) Center, he expects to be plunged into a battle zone. Instead he learns that his FIP is someone named Ryo Enomoto, front-man of world-famous boy band International. He must join the band and change his name to Bobby Sky.

Rod's life doesn't suck. If you ask him, it's pretty awesome. He may not be popular, but he and his best friends play in a band that has a standing gig. Yeah, it's Monday night and they don't get paid, but they can crank the volume as loud as they want. And Rod's girlfriend is hot, smart, and believes in their band - believes in Rod. Aside from a winning lottery ticket, what more could he ask for? Answer: A different cousin. When Rod's scheming, two-faced cousin Blake moves in for the semester, Rod tries to keep calm. Blake seems to have everyone else fooled....

The Winchester School of the Arts is where dropouts from good prep schools get their last chance. Yet graffiti artist Fun might not even graduate. Enter Carli, an undercover actress researching her latest role. Fun must serve as Carli's assistant to earn his diploma. One problem. Popular senior Darcy has vanished, and as Fun and Carli investigate, they head straight into a trap.

Paraffin, Vermont, is home to the Grosholtz Candle Factory. There, 17-year-old Poppy finds something dark and unsettling: a room filled with dozens of startlingly lifelike wax sculptures. Later, she's shocked when one of the figures - a teenage boy who doesn't seem to know what he is - jumps naked and screaming out of the trunk of her car. Poppy wants to return him to the factory, but before she can, a fire destroys the mysterious workshop.

For Jason, entering the seventh grade is like walking into a dangerous new world. Now that he’s in junior high school, he’s a small fish in a big pond stocked full of ninth-graders. It’s so scary that he won’t even go to the bathroom if there’s a ninth-grader in there - no matter how badly he has to go! But it isn’t all bad. He’s working on a model space station in shop class, and he’s beginning to notice things he never paid attention to before, like body hair - and girls. Especially one girl: The beautiful, hair-flicking cheerleader Debbie Breen.