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Notes on a Silencing

A Memoir

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Notes on a Silencing

Written by: Lacy Crawford
Narrated by: Lacy Crawford
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About this listen

A "powerful and scary and important and true" memoir of a young woman's struggle to regain her sense of self after trauma, and the efforts by a powerful New England boarding school to silence her—at any cost (Sally Mann, author of Hold Still).

Shortlisted for the 2022 William Saroyan International Prize for Writing

When Notes on a Silencing hit bookstores in the summer of 2020, even amidst a global pandemic, it sent shockwaves through the country. Not only did this intimate investigative memoir usher in a media storm of coverage, but it also prompted the elite St. Paul's School to issue a formal apology to the author, Lacy Crawford, for its handling of her report of sexual assault by two fellow students nearly thirty years ago.

In this searing book, Crawford tells the story of coming forward during the state investigation of the elite New England prep school decades after her assault, only to find for the first time evidence that corroborated her memories. Here were depictions of the naïve, hardworking girl she’d been, as well as astonishing proof of an institutional silencing. The slander, innuendo, and lack of adult concern that Crawford had experienced as a student hadn't been imagined; they were the actions of a school that prized its reputation above anything, even a child.

This revelation launched Crawford on an extraordinary inquiry deep into gender, privilege, and power, and the ways shame and guilt are used to silence victims. Insightful, arresting, and beautifully written, Notes on a Silencing wrestles with an essential question for our time: what telling of a survivor's story will finally force a remedy?

“Erudite and devastating… Crawford's writing is astonishing… Notes on a Silencing is a purposefully named, brutal and brilliant retort to the asinine question of 'Why now?'… The story is crafted with the precision of a thriller, with revelations that sent me reeling…”—Jessica Knoll, New York Times

A Best Book of the Year: Time, NPR, People, Real Simple, Marie Claire, The Lineup, LitHub, Library Journal, BookPage, and Shelf Awareness

A New York Times Book Review Notable Book

A New York Times Book Review Editors’ Choice

One of People Magazine’s 10 Best Books of the Year

Semifinalist for a Goodreads Choice Award

©2020 Lacy Crawford (P)2020 Hachette Audio
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What the critics say

“Erudite and devastating… Notes on a Silencing is a purposefully named, brutal and brilliant retort to the asinine question of 'Why now?'… The story is crafted with the precision of a thriller, with revelations that sent me reeling… Crawford’s writing is astonishing.”—Jessica Knoll, New York Times

“A riveting, damning exploration of how a single moment can reshape an entire life… [and] a haunting exploration of the systematic ways assault victims are ignored… Crawford’s revelations about the insidious and systematic ways stories of assault are buried left me shaken, moved, angry. By the end, we all understand how rarely women are granted any kind of justice… Crawford does what the best memoirists do: She reaches beyond a single story… in its relentless exploration of power and hubris, Notes on a Silencing is a story that reminds us (because we apparently need reminding again and again) that women are still impotent against institutions and the men who run them… One cannot help but conjure the poised, careful testimony of Christine Blasey Ford and the sputtering, self-righteous rage of Brett M. Kavanaugh… a stunning, audacious attempt to reassert power over her own story.”—Rachel Louise Snyder, Washington Post

“The rigor and elegance of Crawford’s sentences, even while writing about such painful things, lifts this memoir into literary heights… Crawford lays bare the impact of violence on identity. She navigates her trauma surgically by trying to establish the parameters of its lexicon… with the help of therapy, detectives, records she thought lost to time, and a new case brought to the fore, Crawford is forcing the unchecked power of an elite institution to answer for their violations and the victims they shoved into silent hallways of despair.”—Kerri Arsenault, Boston Globe

What listeners say about Notes on a Silencing

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No words

The crime is in self is horrific. The silencing is inexcusable. It’s a very hard listen, but as hard as it is to hear, it needs to be heard.

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Can you handle the truth??

Lacy Crawford can!!
Thank you Lacy Crawford! What a brave, intelligent, astute compassionate, enlightening and public telling of yet another story for the ‘me too’ legacy. And the coverups continue ….

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An eye opener.

My hats off to Lacy for having the courage to relive and share these horrendous memories. To have lived through them and come out such a strong person is an incredible nod to her. If her book helps just one person, then it has been well worth it. It galls me to see the power that religion and church hold and saddens me that people do not ask why but just blindly follow.
Kudos to you, Lacy.

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heart wrenching and honest

I truly loved this book, even though it was incredibly triggering, because it was so brutally honest. Crawford describes the shame, anxiety, and confusion that I once felt myself but never could put into words or even admit to myself. My heart hurts so much for all the many, many young women in this world who have similar stories

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Trigger warning

This is a great read but will invoke hard feeling especially as a girl,woman mother

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When the truth is worse than the crime

This is an incredibly intimate look at how an institution actively sought, not to aid and protect a young girl in their charge who had been sexually assaulted, but to malign and silence her if she told the truth. It shocking, horrifying, deeply troubling, and heartbreaking all at once. A must read. Thank you Lacy for sharing your story.

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Courage

This book is a wonderful inside look into institutions and the lengths they will go in silencing individuals who have a story to tell

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Lacy is now my friend!

It is so well written and I understood every word as if she was writing my heart and my daughters heart! Thank you Lacy!!!

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An important read

A brave telling of a terrible occurrence. I wish I could say I’m surprised such things happen but I’m not. I’m sure this book will help survivors feel less alone.

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Remarkable Perspicacity

Lacy Crawford leads readers/listeners through her journey surrounding terrible trauma - including infuriating/awkward pre-rape encounters and post-rape existential dread/withdrawal/promiscuity. Her narrative is realistic, emotionally charged, and strikingly honest (including no-holds-barred graphic description & language). The author tells it like it is.
Less fortunately, Crawford's experience is incredibly unrelatable (she's a privileged Ivy League prep-school legacy baby - like "Annual-Ski-Trips-To-Vale" rich). She also writes so "intellectually" at times that the book verges on the pretentious (no "normal" American teenager studies French Philosophy - in French - and comes to conclusions about their life accordingly).

Altogether, the book reads like a therapy assignment (as though Crawford was asked to journal her experience by a Psychologist and she simply decided to publish the result).. but maybe that's a good thing. Readers can definitely get something out of the book - including survivors of rape, caregivers, teachers, and parents like me.
As a physician who does counseling regularly, however, I personally didn't learn much.

Crawford was obviously instructed to read more slowly than she normally would and to pay attention to diction.. but does an admirable job reading (exhibiting truly praiseworthy timbre, cadence, and tone). Yes, she reads much too slowly (listen at 1.20X) and often overenunciates, but the advantages of having someone intimately familiar with the text read the book outweigh the drawbacks.
Hachette Audio did well to enlist Crawford to read her own book - and provide outstanding technical support (splicing in re-recorded segments seamlessly, for example).

Altogether, this startlingly matter-of-fact yet emotionally-affecting memoir rates a reasonable 5.5 stars out of 10. I am most grateful to Audible for offering it as a 'Plus' selection - it's worth a download if you can likewise get it for free - but paying a Credit would be a debatable decision (I vote 'Pass').

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