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Rules of Estrangement
- Why Adult Children Cut Ties and How to Heal the Conflict
- Narrated by: Fred Sanders
- Length: 9 hrs and 41 mins
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Rules of Estrangement
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Publisher's Summary
A guide for parents whose adult children have cut off contact that reveals the hidden logic of estrangement, explores its cultural causes, and offers practical advice for parents trying to reestablish contact with their adult children.
“Finally, here’s a hopeful, comprehensive, and compassionate guide to navigating one of the most painful experiences for parents and their adult children alike.” (Lori Gottlieb, psychotherapist and New York Times best-selling author of Maybe You Should Talk to Someone)
Labeled a silent epidemic by a growing number of therapists and researchers, estrangement is one of the most disorienting and painful experiences of a parent's life. Popular opinion typically tells a one-sided story of parents who got what they deserved or overly entitled adult children who wrongly blame their parents. However, the reasons for estrangement are far more complex and varied. As a result of rising rates of individualism, an increasing cultural emphasis on happiness, growing economic insecurity, and a historically recent perception that parents are obstacles to personal growth, many parents find themselves forever shut out of the lives of their adult children and grandchildren.
As a trusted psychologist whose own daughter cut off contact for several years and eventually reconciled, Dr. Joshua Coleman is uniquely qualified to guide parents in navigating these fraught interactions. He helps to alleviate the ongoing feelings of shame, hurt, guilt, and sorrow that commonly attend these dynamics. By placing estrangement into a cultural context, Dr. Coleman helps parents better understand the mindset of their adult children and teaches them how to implement the strategies for reconciliation and healing that he has seen work in his 40 years of practice. Rules of Estrangement gives parents the language and the emotional tools to engage in meaningful conversation with their child, the framework to cultivate a healthy relationship moving forward, and the ability to move on if reconciliation is no longer possible.
While estrangement is a complex and tender topic, Dr. Coleman's insightful approach is based on empathy and understanding for both the parent and the adult child.
What the critics say
“Finally, here’s a hopeful, comprehensive, and compassionate guide to navigating one of the most painful experiences for parents and their adult children alike. Rules of Estrangement candidly addresses parental estrangement from every conceivable angle, steering readers away from shame and blame to a place of newfound understanding and empowerment. I’ve seen many parents and adult children grappling with these issues, and this is exactly the book they have all been waiting for. I will be recommending it widely.” (Lori Gottlieb, psychotherapist and New York Times best-selling author of Maybe You Should Talk to Someone)
“A very thoughtful book filled with great wisdom and care. Over Dr. Coleman’s years of practice, as well as his own personal journey, he has developed a deep appreciation for how to help parents see their relationship with their children through the child’s eyes. It is through that process of compassionate perspective taking [WJ1] that a healing conversation can begin.” (Amy J. L. Baker, PhD, author of Adult Children of Parental Alienation Syndrome)
“Coleman addresses what historians see as a strange paradox: Even as more adult children view their parents as friends rather than mere obligations, psychologists report seeing a wave of parents who have been rejected by their adult children. Coleman explores the socioeconomic and cultural changes that inflate both our expectations and our disappointments in family life, offering calming advice on ways that estranged families can recover or move on.” (Stephanie Coontz, author of The Way We Never Were: American Families and the Nostalgia Trap)
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What listeners say about Rules of Estrangement
Average Customer RatingsReviews - Please select the tabs below to change the source of reviews.
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Overall5 out of 5 stars
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Performance5 out of 5 stars
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Story5 out of 5 stars
- Julie Pigeon
- 2023-09-28
Great understanding
I have struggled with my estrangement, I have read so many books and researched this growing phenomenon and this by far has made the most sense and hope for a path forward.
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Overall4 out of 5 stars
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Performance4 out of 5 stars
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Story4 out of 5 stars
- Martha Bishop
- 2023-06-09
Excellent
Audible is excellent! This read re Estrangement….hits hard… 100% full of reality…. And seriously hard to take in at times…many thanks to the Dr…
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Overall5 out of 5 stars
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Performance4 out of 5 stars
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Story5 out of 5 stars
- GH
- 2021-04-07
A little ok at both the adult child & parents perspective
My daughter has recently announced and has completely cut me off stating I am a gaslighting narcissist- I didn’t even know what e what gaslighting meant so looked it up and have now read 4 books on the same subject of estrangement. It has become clear she has been to a counsellor herself as her words are definitely the a part of her regular vocabulary. The first three books all focused in n the child, and what I think I see is that in this world of individualism parenting takes another kick in the teeth. I like many parents can say I definitely didn’t do everything right. But I also know in my heart I didn’t do everything wrong. It is extremely painful to have my child treat me this way. But I know who I am and what I am not. And her angry hateful words are not a reflection of who I am but rather the world we life in. It n fact I have spent my life doing everything for my family. Indeed after many months of research and thought on that his very painful reality, I have decided to take an about turn and stop focusing on the family and focus on myself. For all the nights I cared for her children, my grandchildren to having her now say I can’t even Ben be trusted around the kids, has made me realize she is aware of my weak spot, and that has been family as my own parents abandoned all six of my siblings and myself once we were in high school with r very soon after. So now their downfalls are what I am supposedly being punished for. But after much reflection and talks with close friends who have known me longer than my kids I realize I genuinely did the absolute best I could, and I am not going to spend my golden years also trapped in another hell because my daughter has declared me a gaslighting narcissist. I am a good person, I love my family and close friends deeply, but I will not play into her mind games. If she doesn’t want me in her life. I will miss her deeply. But I have picked myself up, dusted myself off and will carry on with my life. And I can’t follow all the advice in this book, only in that I have decided to carry on with my life. I am not going to grovel, when grovelling is not due nor justified. It does have breed though make me sad.
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3 people found this helpful
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Overall5 out of 5 stars
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Performance5 out of 5 stars
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Story5 out of 5 stars
- Lolota
- 2022-12-27
Critical read for all parents.
This book is not only for parents suffering from parental alienation. It provides insight to the next generation of children we are raising. Dr. Coleman’s compassion for the alienated parents is palpable throughout this book.
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Overall5 out of 5 stars
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Performance5 out of 5 stars
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Story5 out of 5 stars
- Mozart's maiden
- 2023-02-17
Incredibly helpful and insightful
This book brought to light so many points that I had not considered. It gave me hope. It taught me what to accept and what not to accept. It helped me understand the possible “whys” and gave me a calmer perspective. It reminded me of my own value. It taught me how to continue loving my adult child in this estranged circumstance. Thank you.
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Overall5 out of 5 stars
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Performance5 out of 5 stars
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Story5 out of 5 stars
- Tamara F.
- 2023-06-30
The best advice ever
I've been through hell for three years, done a lot of research and can say this is absolutely the best advice ever! All therapists need to understand this generational divide and how narcissism plays out in families in general. I finally now completely understand what is going with my child and "the cult of one". Hopefully I'm not too late to employ these tactics since my own foolishness, lack of understanding and poor advise has lead me to do everything wrong in handling this nightmare. But I'm going to write the letter and pray! 🙏🙏🙏
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Overall5 out of 5 stars
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Performance4 out of 5 stars
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Story5 out of 5 stars
- Amazon Customer
- 2023-05-23
What I want my clients with Estranged Children to Hear
I obtained this book because I am a psychotherapist who works with families doing “Intergenerational Family Facilitation”. I have encouraged my clients with estrangements to read/buy it because it is so very helpful. Listening to it has made me a better support and guide to them. Of that I am sure.
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