The State of Affairs
Rethinking Infidelity
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The State of Affairs
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Narrated by:
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Esther Perel
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Written by:
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Esther Perel
About this listen
Iconic couples' therapist and best-selling author of Mating in Captivity Esther Perel returns with a groundbreaking and provocative look at infidelity, arguing for a more nuanced and less judgmental conversation about our transgressions.
An affair: It can rob a couple of their relationship, their happiness, their very identity. And yet this extremely common human experience is so poorly understood. Adultery has existed since marriage was invented, and so, too, the prohibition against it - in fact it has a tenacity that marriage can only envy.
So what are we to make of this time-honored taboo, universally forbidden yet universally practiced? For the past 10 years, master therapist Esther Perel has traveled the globe and worked with hundreds of couples who have been shattered by infidelity. In The State of Affairs she asks, why do we cheat? And why do happy people cheat? Why does infidelity hurt so much? And when we say infidelity, what exactly do we mean? Is an affair always the end of a marriage?
Affairs, she writes, have a lot to teach us about relationships. They provide unusual insight into our personal and cultural attitudes about love, lust, and commitment. Betrayal hurts, but it can be healed. An affair can even be the doorway to a new marriage - with the same person. With the right approach, Perel argues, couples can grow and learn from these tumultuous experiences, together or apart.
Fiercely intelligent, The State of Affairs provides a daring framework for understanding the intricacies of love and desire. As Perel writes, "Love is messy; infidelity more so. But it is also a window, like no other, into the crevices of the human heart."
After listening to Esther read The State of Affairs, continue on as she opens the door to her office and invites you to listen in on actual couple sessions. These are unscripted conversations of real, anonymous couples grappling with infidelity from her Audible Original podcast Where Should We Begin Begin? (courtesy of Audible Originals, LLC). As you enter this raw, intimate space with Esther, we hope you find the vocabulary for the conversations you may wish to have.
©2017 Esther Perel (P)2017 HarperCollins PublishersYou may also enjoy...
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What listeners say about The State of Affairs
Average Customer RatingsReviews - Please select the tabs below to change the source of reviews.
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Overall5 out of 5 stars
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Performance5 out of 5 stars
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Story5 out of 5 stars
- Megan
- 2022-02-26
Saved my marriage
As I listened I heard so many identifying feelings I was hearing from these stories that I was also feeling.
Listening to this book helped me become more clear about many things.
And I was able to share openly with my husband about them.
He was very receptive and I can’t thank this book enough.
Highly recommend!
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Overall5 out of 5 stars
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Performance5 out of 5 stars
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Story5 out of 5 stars
- Amazon Customer
- 2019-11-01
Uncomfortable, compelling and insightful
Performance: I could listen to Esther Perel's voice for hours. I bought this book after listening to the first two seasons of her Podcast. She could be describing a horrifying murder and it would probably still sound sexy. You definitely won't have to worry about cringing through the narration.
Story: I am not going through an affair but I have in the past and am also very interested in people and relationships in general. The stories of real people were the most compelling to me, and she uses these examples throughout. Esther Perel describes unending possibilities for what a "marriage" truly is. She has many interesting thoughts about how the institution of marriage looks completely different through the lenses of different times and cultures. The messages focus on empowerment, reflection, and discovery. Nothing in this book will help you fix the past, but it might help you find a way to consider your past and plan for future in a way that is empowering, reflective, and honest.
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1 person found this helpful
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Overall5 out of 5 stars
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Performance4 out of 5 stars
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Story4 out of 5 stars
- Justin
- 2018-10-01
Changed my view on affairs.
I had a very black and white view of affairs prior to this book. The many stories within it gave me a much more nuanced position toward them. Esther gives us a glimpse into why affairs happen in the first place from a lot of different view points. A person couldn't live enough lives to get an understanding of affairs like this through personal experience, nor would they want to. This book is really for anyone that wants to peak behind the curtain and understand why people in terrible or happy relationships might cheat.
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Overall5 out of 5 stars
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Performance5 out of 5 stars
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Story5 out of 5 stars
- naomi
- 2023-07-25
Insightful
As always Ester Perel encourages the listener to think outside the hegemonic system of relationships and to invite a new paradigm to view the “unfaithful”
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Overall5 out of 5 stars
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Performance5 out of 5 stars
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Story5 out of 5 stars
- Amazon Customer
- 2019-06-04
loved it
Very thought provoking, excellently written. I highly recommend this to everyone especially those in relationship (regardless if there was an affair or not!)
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Overall5 out of 5 stars
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Performance5 out of 5 stars
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Story5 out of 5 stars
- Lindsay Lipsett
- 2021-12-26
Wonderful Listen
An inspiring audio book filled with powerful messages for personal and professional journeys. Read by Esther herself and sharing her clinical experiences made this book even more impactful. My favourite message was ‘one size doesn’t fit all.’ There are different approaches and perspectives for each couples unique situation.
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Overall5 out of 5 stars
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Performance5 out of 5 stars
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Story5 out of 5 stars
- Amazon Customer
- 2018-04-18
A Romantic’s View
I have never felt more comforted by vague abstractions of love and its place in sexuality and marriage. This was poetry. I have felt inspired by harsh truths. Esther’s work is all encompassing, balanced, and fair. Her insights into the hearts and minds of people is unprecedented.
Yes, it would seem as though she may wax poetic, but I am entirely appreciative of the soul she brings to her work. Her passion is inspirational. She disregards nothing. It seems her intention is to truly see her clients and honour their individuality.
Please read. Her work has helped me be okay with not knowing what life can bring and what love can be. I’ve felt in the past that I am so anxiously attached to my partners, it’s been an unhealthy journey. Perel’s work has helped me move beyond my boundaries and beliefs around what a relationship should be.
To those of you that might be working with her, I hope you find what you are looking for. Thank you for your stories.
From a twenty something Canadian female.
This is so much more than sex.
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6 people found this helpful
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Overall4 out of 5 stars
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Performance4 out of 5 stars
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Story4 out of 5 stars
- Dani
- 2018-04-07
Sexy and honest
I’ve been a fan of Perel for a while, but I had only listened to her on podcasts or seen her videos. Her book was fantastic and really got to the heart of the issues that lead to infidelity, plus what happens after its discovery. She was never prescriptive and acknowledged that every relationship was unique, highlighting this with actual couples from her practice. I think that nearly everyone could stand to learn something from this book, regardless of whether there is or will ever be an issue of unfaithfulness in their relationship. I love it when an author reads their own book, especially someone with such a presence as Perel.
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3 people found this helpful
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Overall5 out of 5 stars
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Performance5 out of 5 stars
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Story5 out of 5 stars
- rooster
- 2022-01-26
Must read for anyone in any kind of relationship
This book is incredible. Esther does an amazing job of showing care and validation for those who have been hurt by infidelity while at the same time offering important insights into monogamy, people who have affairs, modern love, culture, trauma ect.
I feel I am better equipped to provide understanding and support to my family and friends and dispel my long held judgmental views on monogamy, love and affairs.
In short, I have learned so much from this.
Thank you Esther
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Overall5 out of 5 stars
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Performance5 out of 5 stars
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Story5 out of 5 stars
- Amazon Customer
- 2019-01-03
Thought provoking & challenges the social norms
Great listen and would recommend.
The author does a fantastic job questioning feels and real time situations from her unbiased clinical perspective. Not specific to the cheaters or cheated themselves, but the author expands beyond and makes you self reflect on the harsh social stimga associated with everyone involved.
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