In popular culture which now includes so much psychological lore, conflict and fighting in relationships are often stigmatized as something to be avoided. In this heartfelt episode, Ryan & Nicole consider the ways in which fighting is itself a kind of intimacy, and a necessary one, in that when it is done productively it can produce a fuller and exponentially more pleasing and productive second intimacy which becomes a lifeblood to healthy, growing relationships. To highlight this, Ryan & Nicole received permission from the Brittish Indie Folk Rock Group, Bear's Den, as well as their European Label, Tribe, to play a portion of the Bear's Den song, Bad Blood. The song is used as a springboard to express the difficulty and pain and heartache, and again, the necessity of fighting in their own relationship in carving at forward progress and love.

Discussed: Bear's Den/Tribe/Bad Blood, fighting in relational contexts, perspectives on arguing within family and marriage, learning to fight productively, date nights, connection between scheduled intimacy and the propensity to fight, human hunger for intimacy, psychological distress experienced in the body, healing through holding, unresolvable issues, and more.

Music Credit:

This episode features music by Bear's Den, used with their permission and that of their music label, Tribe. All rights to the music are owned by Bear's Den and are included here with the explicit consent of the band. Please support the artists by visiting https://www.bearsdenmusic.co.uk/.

In this special mini-bonus episode (under 10 minutes), Nicole recalls a wedding to visit Julie & Tyler, a couple very close to their hearts. Julie & Tyler asked Ryan to riff on love and marriage and life during the ceremony, and Ryan presents those poignant remarks here for the first time publicly. Special thanks to Julie & Tyler for permission to share them and their gift.

Discussed: unresolvable issues in relationships, vulnerability, relationships, compassion, authenticity, empathy, deepening relational dialogue, wisdom, life and marriage, Wendell Berry, Rainer Maria Rilke, Handel's Messiah, individuality and coupling, sameness and difference, distance and closeness, and more.

Post-US-election season and approaching the New Year and NY resolutions, there is natural upward trend in people looking for therapy. Depending on who you ask, which directions your algorithms follow, and what the latest TikTok and IG trends are, potential clients have all kinds of ways of approaching this, many of which lead those of us in the know to exclaim, "OMG, that's not it!" Conventional wisdom surrounding finding therapists, including that which is accidentally or intentionally propagated by the mental health industry and that necessarily has a certain logic, still often fails to consider or reveal what research suggests is the single biggest predictor of therapeutic success. Nicole and Ryan deconstruct the conventional wisdom with incisive mental health veteran insider knowledge, and then turn the tables to pose the questions they ask in searching for a therapist.

Discussed: good therapist vs. therapist fit, on being a therapist, Dr. Jeffrey Kottler, understanding mental health specialization, mental health vs. organic-medical terminology, the role of social media in developing ego props, questions to ask to find a therapist, single-modality therapists, personality fit with therapists, therapeutic bond/alliance/rapport as the single biggest predictor of success in counseling, and more.