Episodes

  • Darksaber Ch 1-5

    Darksaber Ch 1-5
    Nov 14 2024
    With great personal bravery, we continue with the "Callista Trilogy" and crack open Kevin J. Anderson's Darksaber: a book that would like you to find fellow Star Wars Fans on the World Wide Web. Although the cover would suggest that an Empire era Luke Skywalker is embracing life as a bisexual icon alongside his devoted friend Kurt Russell, most of these chapters take place on Tatooine! Han and Luke go undercover with some Tusken Raiders (who appear to have some culture after all...) and break into Jabba's Palace to try and find out what his fellow Hutts are up to (no good, obviously). And we meet lovable Imperial bumbler/David Lynch clone Bevil Lemelisk: a man who just wants get some lunch in his tum tum but sadly must oversee an evil mining operation instead.
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    52 mins
  • Lando Calrissian and the Mindharp of Sharu Ch 11 - 20

    Lando Calrissian and the Mindharp of Sharu Ch 11 - 20
    Oct 30 2024
    What is there to say about these chapters? Our intrepid hosts take a cue from Lando, light up a metaphorical cigarette with our electronic space jackets, and lie down on a cosmic people mover to be passively borne towards an unsatisfying conclusion. In the end, Vuffi Raa abandons his brief career as a fashion accessory to chose true love over being a narc, Mohs loses his eyeballs but gains the knowledge of how his ancestors sold him out, Lando flies off into the sunset, and the Mindharp phones home.
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    51 mins
  • Lando Calrissian and the Mindharp of Sharu Ch. 1 - 10

    Lando Calrissian and the Mindharp of Sharu Ch. 1 - 10
    Oct 23 2024
    Patreon's prompt for this description is, "Why do you create?" And honestly, when the source material is this bad, it's a great question. Mostly to yell about someone else's art, I guess? Anyway: join us as we traipse from sabacc table to sabacc table — from tapcafé to tapcafé — at the whim of a threatening magician, to discover what the actual heck a mindharp is. The good news is that there is a lot of goofiness (dinosaurs! jackalopes!) sprinkled among some terrible eugenicist nonsense. We learn (unsurprisingly) that Lando Calrissian can never be without a cumberbund. Even in bed. Even tied to a cactus. Even, somehow, while also wearing a loincloth.
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    1 hr and 7 mins
  • Children of the Jedi Ch. 21 - 26

    Children of the Jedi Ch. 21 - 26
    Oct 16 2024
    Don't you just wish, though. Don't you just wish in your heart of hearts that some Skywalker would come up in here trying something froggy...and then two very intelligent women would stun him right in the face? In the exciting conclusion to this mostly incredible novel: Luke's terrible, horrible, no good, very bad week comes to a close and he gets that office romance he's been dreaming about (at least, for now!). As we all know, with great power comes great reshpronsatrilatrix — and it's Callista who pays the price for messing with how the Force works.

    Meanwhile, Leia gets temporarily lost in the k-hole before outwitting Roganda and her asshole teen using her extensive knowledge of aristocratic rules and some dope Force jumps. Han and Lando remain supportive side pieces to their very angry and very competent lady partners. R2 and 3PO reunite to continue what is possibly the healthiest relationship in all of Star Wars (?).

    Oh! And here's that Billy Dee Williams clip. Enjoy.
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    1 hr and 21 mins
  • Children of the Jedi Ch. 17 - 20

    Children of the Jedi Ch. 17 - 20
    Oct 9 2024
    Luke Skywalker, whose leg is about to fall off, processes his trauma by banging it out on the astral plane. Leia Organa of the Alderaanian Organas leans on her training in royal eyelash batting to avoid execution and spends a night in white-collar prison curled up with a good book.

    This week's chapters are full of $5 words...including ones made up by a friend of the show! We are proud to present you with "Trümmernverliebtheittyp," a brand new word that means "a-guy-who-only-has-a-crush-when-his-life-is-in-shambles" (aka: Luke Skywalker).
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    1 hr and 13 mins
  • Children of the Jedi Ch 13-16

    Children of the Jedi Ch 13-16
    Oct 2 2024
    Another valiant battle to make it through four chapters of this fine novel! Luke and Callista come up with a plan to distract the Gamorreans holding Cray. While they're building it, they lie around on the office floor having deep freshman year conversations about their childhoods and why the Force is just like, the best. Threepio uses the power of diplomacy and tasty recipes to save the day. Leia figures out who is following her through the goddamn mists, and is forced to confront the cold dead hand of the galactic aristocracy once more.
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    1 hr and 15 mins
  • Children of the Jedi Ch. 9 - 12

    Children of the Jedi Ch. 9 - 12
    Sep 25 2024
    Luke Skywalker's no good, very bad day continues as he and Threepio amp up their search for Cray (now on trial for treason) and he runs into some old Tatooine acquaintances. It becomes more and more clear that the Will has absolutely noticed what Luke's up to and is trying its best to ensure he has a convenient accident. But there's another, more helpful presence on the ship. Perhaps that of a fellow Jedi and colleague who liked whales a whole lot and doesn't currently have a body (but does still have an amazing head of spiritual hair).

    Meanwhile, Han and Chewie have an extremely bad day of their own in Belsavis' smugger tunnels. After throwing up a lot of sulfur water, Han manages to get Mara Jade on the phone... and then get himself into a tasteful sarong to seduce his wife through the strategic use of bare forearms. Sadly, a night that began in the beautiful light of 1996's finest floating candles ends with a bang as Artoo fails to execute an extremely elaborate homicide. Stay strong lil buddy!!
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    1 hr and 10 mins
  • Children of the Jedi Ch. 4 - 8

    Children of the Jedi Ch. 4 - 8
    Sep 18 2024
    We're not entirely sure what it says about us or him, but we love a concussed Luke Skywalker. 🤷🏻‍♀️ If you thought the trauma of needing his bones replaced in Truce at Bakura was bad, wait til you get a load of this Luke: he's got migraines, he's got collapsing lungs, he's taken an axe to his Achilles...and somehow he's still exploring an enormous spaceship, hanging out with 3PO, and refusing to swear. Meanwhile, Leia Organa Solo manages to go on a hiking tour of a multi-biome planet, slum it up in a row of dive bars, and plan a visit to the archives all in one day because she's the somehow unrecognizable and also most famous girl boss in the entire galaxy.
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    1 hr and 29 mins