This week on Page 7 Holden, Jackie, and MJ discuss Jackie gettin' eyeboned by an Uber driver blasting "Wasn't Me" while in Vegas, where she saw the magical warlock Mr. Piffles and his arcane master Piff The Magic Dragon while sippin' on a liquid headache, MJ Kicks off tales of Heidi Klum Halloweens past and Halloween present including her and Janelle Monáe both wearing E.T. costumes this year, while Jackie talks of the several breakdowns on her path to transforming into an amazing Greta Gremlin! MJ warns Holden against the dangers of metal straws and children, as Holden channels his hatred of endangered turtles and love of disposable straws into art. Mariah Carey, freed from her ice tomb beneath the surface of the moon, claims "It's time" and has begun to attempt to spread a virulent strain of holiday cheer via Mariah's Holiday Bar in five major US cities (which sadly for Jackie and Holden does not include LA), and Raffi, the man who brought us "Banana Phone" is on the search for love and MJ pleads not to be too vulgar about Raffi as he is a sexless being transcendent of light. Plus Campbells Soup is makin' savory candles and Jackie may fall prey to a stuffing scented candle while also making a plan to become a snackfluencer via a livestreamed Holden torture session on the next LPN Funhouse! In Celebrity Conspiracy Corner: Why Must Beyonce Always Be Thanked?!?! Big thanks to Queen Bey btw, then over on the LIST; Actors that had to dye their hair or change their appearance in order to get the roles they actually wanted! The Blindz and SHOUTS!

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