Disappointment. It’s a feeling in between hurt and shock. Why? Because you expect one thing – and you receive another. It doesn’t quite shock you - maybe it wasn’t totally unexpected. And it doesn’t crush you – it’s not exactly traumatic.

But expectation and disappointment are totally interrelated.

Some disappointment is normal of course. You don’t always win the prize or get what you were striving for, whether that’s a job, or a grade, a promotion, or a relationship moving ahead. But how do you feel it? And is it possible that you’re setting yourself up for disappointment in some way, especially if you tend to get disappointed a lot?

How can you identify the expectations that you have that are likely not rational? You can so hope something is going to be different – that when it’s not – you’re disappointed for sure. Does that mean that your expectation was “wrong?”

There’s a lot of focus on social media right now about building your capacity or your skill set in managing what’s hurtful in your life. Coping with disappointment. Not identifying with whatever has been hard so much as you feel what you need to feel, what’s helpful to feel, but then using that emotional and psychological learning to grow from it, rather than being paralyzed by it.

In this week's voicemail, I'm not sure of the article that the readers is referencing. But the important ‘aha’ experience for her was… "if I struggle to see something in myself, and even therapists or “experts” struggle to see it, then how could I have expected my ex to see it?" Something was a blind spot for her. And she’s doing the important work of taking on her share of the responsibility for her divorce – then seeing how she can move past it. She’s growing her skill set.

You can pre-order Dr. Margaret's Perfectly Hidden Depression Workbook by clicking right here! And I'm so excited! It's an actual workbook so all your "selfwork" is contained in its covers!

It's a stand-alone look at all the ten traits of PHD - such as struggling to express painful emotion, taking too much responsibility by staying eternally "busy," and balancing gratitude with what is real hardship. Then you're guided to keep what is worth keeping about that trait, and gently let go of what's harmful.

Have you been putting off getting help? BetterHelp, the #1 online therapy provider, has a special offer for you now!

You can hear more about this and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive my weekly newsletter including a blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome!

My book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression is available here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life.

There’s another way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!

Grief is never easy. And it can be made harder by the many things that happen with grief that you’re not prepared for – or believe ‘should’ be happening or ‘shouldn’t’. Dr. Elizabeth Kübler Ross made the observation about terminally ill people that they seemed to go through five stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. But she never meant for that model, no matter how interactive or nonlinear we may think about it – to become what it’s become – some kind of standard yardstick where you’re supposed to measure if you’re grieving the ‘right’ way.

There’s not a right way. And it’s been my professional and personal experience that grief has a way of weaving in and out of your awareness. It’s not like there’s a tangible end. You may know when your grief began. And it’s not that it’s never-ending – that can be very difficult if that happens and cause deep depression and a kind of forlorn emptiness. But there may be days or weeks when you don’t really feel it – and then suddenly, your grief reappears. Or there’s an anniversary of a death – or simply life bringing you back to your sadness.

So, we dig deeper into grief today featuring an episode I did two years ago. I’m having a little outpt surgery and am a bit behind. So I thought this would be helpful to many of you who’ve had loss around the holidays – or really anyone. One story at the end of the episode comes from a mother’s story after losing her son. She says (and this isn't a quote), “He loved me deeply and I’ll honor that love. I can’t die along with him.”

As hard as that may be. It may be the most important idea to take away with you.

Click HERE for the NEXT GEN offer from AG1 – with bonus product with your new subscription!

You can hear more about this and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive my weekly newsletter including a blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome!

My book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression is available and you can order here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life. And it’s available in paperback, eBook or as an audiobook!

And send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!

“Low self-esteem” is one of the symptoms or reflections of classic depression. Of course, it goes along with other symptoms or signs - a negative self-image, feelings of helplessness and/or hopelessness, not enjoying much of anything – which is called anhedonia.

But how do you increase self-esteem? What is self-esteem anyway? It’s a recognition of your value – of your worth. You can have high self-esteem, low self-esteem, or an inflated sense of self-esteem where you think too highly of yourself and even see others as less valuable or worthy than you.

So, self-esteem often gets built in your childhood as your caregivers provide you with not only safety and security, but with love. They give you the message that you’re valuable – right?

Well, maybe not. Maybe they don’t give you that message. Or maybe your parents did a pretty good job, not perfect but good enough. But you had other relationships – or chose them – where you got the message that you weren’t so valuable after all.

This is the focus today on SelfWork – what you can do about low self-esteem after it has seeped into your very being. It’s work – but everything worthwhile typically is.

Our listener email is from a man from South Jersey who asks how you know if you’re with the right therapist. It’s another great question so I’ll do my best to answer it. Here’s one clue – it seems to me that if you’re asking that question, you may be overly doubting of yourself and your choices in general OR your therapy isn’t providing you with things that you can see are valuable and are helping you to change in desirable ways. Or both. Basically, could it be an issue with trusting yourself? Listen in to hear my answer!

Recent SelfWork Episode on dealing with my own shame

001 SelfWork: Episode answering the question "What is good therapy?"

SelfWork episode describing how therapy works... or can work

Have you been putting off getting help? BetterHelp, the #1 online therapy provider, has a special offer for you now!

You can hear more about this and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive my weekly newsletter including a blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome!

My book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression is available here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life.

There’s another way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!

Have you ever thought that intuition could be used for healing crisis?

Laura Day, the New York Times bestselling author is back with a long-awaited, life-altering book to help you learn how to do just that. In her past breakthrough book Practical Intuition, she explained how anyone can train themselves to gain full access to the powers of the intuitive brain. However, only Laura’s closest friends knew that behind the book’s phenomenal success was a dark family history.

In this, her first book in fifteen years, Day, shares her haunting and unforgettable family story. Multiple suicides including her mother. A home life where the kids actually lived by themselves in a separate apartment from their parents. Only her intuition helped her figure out what no one had taught her – how to care for herself and her siblings.

Now, Day has combined her experiences and teaching in her new book, The Prism: Seven Steps to Heal Your Past and Transform Your Future (Spiegel & Grau; April 29, 2025. It reveals seven points in our growth as children and adults that can hinder or help us thrive.

Next week’s episode will begin our official 9th year here at SelfWork! We can’t believe it really. I won’t say it’s flown by – 9 years is a long time. But guests keep coming – listeners let us know through comments and questions – and supporting our sponsors – that SW remains important to you. We thank you so much for that. And see you next week.

Click HERE for the NEXT GEN offer from AG1 – with bonus product with your new subscription!

You can hear more about this and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive my weekly newsletter including a blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome!

My book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression is available and you can order here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life. And it’s available in paperback, eBook or as an audiobook!

And send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!

Today we have a grab bag of questions and comments, with the topics being blame, perfectly hidden depression, and bipolar disorder.

The first is from a mom who lived through her daughter and yet also didn’t offer safety or a sense of security – even with the basic things. This listener is now sober for a year (much to her credit) and is asking about how to navigate her relationship with her mom – who's still chaotic. The second is from a therapist who attended one of my workshops on perfectly hidden depression and had a great comment to make. The third is a voicemail from an older mom who sees her daughter as blaming her without reasonable cause. And last, someone whose fairly new boyfriend revealed he’d been diagnosed with bipolar disorder. Since her father also had bipolar disorder, she’s not quite sure how to respond or react…

I’m very honored when listeners of SelfWork or readers of my articles on my website respond to me in some way. Realizing there’s much I don’t know after reading or listening to their email or voicemail, I hope what I can do is offer some kind of helpful perspective, knowing only the things they tell me.

Defining intergenerational trauma - VeryWell Mind Article

Practical Neurology article on bipolar disorder occurring after a head injury

Harvard research article on bipolar disorder

Have you been putting off getting help? BetterHelp, the #1 online therapy provider, has a special offer for you now!

You can hear more about this and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive my weekly newsletter including a blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome!

My book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression is available here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life.

There’s another way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!

Anger has a place. It’s an important emotion to feel and know how to handle. It lets you know a boundary and maybe a very important boundary, value, or expectation has been ignored or crossed or threatened in a very real way. But it’s a skill then to think through what you’re going to do with that anger.

It seems that there are a lot more people these days who are angry. Maybe it’s because the immediacy that social media and texting have provided that have made it SO much easier to attack someone else online – or it was online at first. Maybe it’s political rhetoric that’s become more aggressive and insulting, as if that’s okay.

But what do you do after you've lost your shit? Losing your shit is about losing control. It’s about very poor management – yes. But that term – albeit fairly colorful – usually means that you got way too mad about something and even you recognize that you were way out of line. Maybe it’s a pattern for you. Maybe you do it all the time. Or maybe it’s after something that suddenly happened – or seemed to suddenly happen - and here comes a shit fit.

The speaker voicemail is from a man living in the UK – that discovered my writing about enmeshment. He describes giving so much of himself away to his parents, which then served as the pattern of his relationships with others – where he’s the caregiver for all – and feels that he has nothing left for himself. I’ll do my best to answer him!

Article on enmeshment

Article on the American Counseling Associations’ website on women's anger

Anger Management Resources

Article on regret after losing your temper

Click HERE for the NEXT GEN offer from AG1 – with bonus product with your new subscription!

You can hear more about this and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive my weekly newsletter including a blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome!

My book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression is available and you can order here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life. And it’s available in paperback, eBook or as an audiobook!

And send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!

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We’re talking about sexual abuse on SelfWork today – so please, if you have sexual abuse in your history or have somehow been affected by it, listen carefully.

Sometimes I receive a voicemail where I can hear the stark heartache that’s behind the message. And this week was no exception. The hurt expressed was so palpable for me. Not only hurt, but confusion and a huge sense of loss.

Who was it from? She’s a therapist. A mom. A daughter, not in that order. Let’s call her Lisa.

So, what had happened? Lisa’s very young daughter had told her that her mother’s husband, Lisa’s stepfather, had sexually molested her. And she’s struggling to handle the consequent tsunami of family distrust and estrangement between the members of her family – which is very common but still very painful. At the very time she feels she most needs her mother, her mom has taken her stepfather’s side and believes her granddaughter is making up something that didn’t happen.

Maybe some of you tried to talk to a parent or a teacher or a pastor about being hurt sexually or any other way in your family. Not only were you not believed. You might’ve been blamed or warned not to tell “lies” about your family – or the perpetrator.

Again, please take care in listening if you have a history of sexual abuse or were hurt in some way through sexual abuse. The sexual abuse hotline number/website below.

The RAINN.org sexual abse hotline/website

Jane Epstein's incredibly courageous journey, revealing sibling sexual abuse

SelfWork episode on intrafamilial sexual abuse

Have you been putting off getting help? BetterHelp, the #1 online therapy provider, has a special offer for you now!

You can hear more about this and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive my weekly newsletter including a blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome!

My book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression is available here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life.

There’s another way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!

One of the most difficult things we all face is how to find meaning in the moments or experiences of our lives that are cruel or devastating, frightening or despairing. The very idea that that might be possible can seem to completely ignore the very real pain or injury of that moment.

One of the most eye-opening books I ever read, I was introduced to in a freshman class I took in college. The course was geared toward the study of how different writers and philosophers, both ancient and present-day, had thought about how to do just that - find meaning.

That book was Victor Frankl’s “Man’s Search for Meaning.” I read it from cover to cover. In it, he told the story of being a prisoner in four different concentration camps during the Holocaust. What stayed with me was how he vowed to discover the tiniest shreds of meaning, of mattering that he could. Before he was imprisoned at age 37, he'd worked as a psychiatrist and neurologist, and had created a form of therapy called “logo therapy” - a form of psychotherapy that focuses on finding meaning in life as the primary human motivation. It operates on the belief that individuals have the freedom to find purpose even in suffering, Its techniques aim to help people discover meaning through their work, love, and their attitude toward unavoidable suffering

My guest on SelfWork today, Pam Roy, has co-authored a book that serves as a companion book, offering creative reflections on many of Victor Frankl’s essential ideas. She’s full of stories about Frankl – is an expert on both him and his work – and has dedicated much of her life on trying to help people (especially parents) understand that their job is to find their own meaning and model that journey for their children.

Pam Roy's book

An article on logo therapy

Have you been putting off getting help? BetterHelp, the #1 online therapy provider, has a special offer for you now!

You can hear more about this and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive my weekly newsletter including a blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome!

My book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression is available here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life.

There’s another way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!