Shower -The most cruel thing Mother Nature does is tease us in the middle of winter with that one warm spring weather day. Like last week there was a beautiful, sunny 60 degree day and you start to think “Oh wow spring has sprung! It’s finally here.” But it’s not! It’s now back to being like 30 degrees. It’s basically like a teaser trailer that gets you really excited for a movie that’s not coming out for another year. It’s just that sexy minx Mother Nature being that cocktease we all know her to be. Shaving -One of the worst feelings of anxiety was as a kid when you were absent from school for a day or two and then came back and felt like you missed EVERYTHING. It felt like you would never catch up in class. New friend groups were formed. There were a million inside jokes you missed. 1st Grade Tommy who famously had strep throat 7 times in a single year would often feel very, very left out. Lip balm -I just want to take a second and give a quick shoutout to anchovies. Now, don’t get me wrong, I don’t like anchovies. But that’s the thing. Everyone hates anchovies and yet, they just keep sticking around. Popping on menus. Being toppings on a bunch of stuff. And people almost never order anchovies. In fact, they’ll often go out of their way to remove anchovies from the food item. But that doesn’t deter anchovies. No. They are a resilient bunch. The world has tried to bully them out of our culinary circuit and yet they are still standing strong. Some thick skin on these fuckers. Deodorant -One of my pet peeves is when you tell someone you’re tired, and they then try to invalidate your tiredness by talking about how tired they are. “Oh YOU’RE tired? Well I had to do all this and I didn’t sleep well and blah blah blah.” Two people can be tired. There’s an infinite amount of tiredness to go around to everyone. We don’t need to gatekeep tiredness. Hand moisturizer -I can’t imagine being the leader of a very, very large country and thinking, “You know what? This isn’t enough. I need more land to rule.” That’s just so much added responsibility to invade another country. Ugh, the planning that goes into that must be so tiresome. Expensive. And not to mention, the country you’re invading is gonna for sure be pretty mad at you. Rightfully so. And I hate when people don’t like me. It’s like my least favorite thing. I wouldn’t want to just get on the bad side of an entire population. No. If I was the leader of a country, I’d be more than satisfied with the land that I have. “This. This right here is plenty to rule.” Hell, I might even give some land away if I thought it would make people like me more. Face moisturizer -There’s nothing I hate more than when people sell out and become shills for a product that they’re financially tied to and paid to promote. Because true artists are starving. You can’t replicate that hunger and desire once you get the bag. It just feels disingenuous and rubs me the wrong way ….. Anyway, you can buy all these lovely Would grooming products I’ve been using at getwould.com or at your local CVS. Thank you for your time.

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-For the “who are your 3 dream dinner guests?” question, I feel like every person should choose Jesus as their first overall pick. Because even if you’re not religious and you don’t believe in God, I think you just gotta the lowdown. See what he’s all about. Is he really the son of God or was he just a random dude? Test him. Make him turn water into wine at the table. And if he really is a miracle worker and all this stuff is true, then you will probably be handsomely rewarded in Heaven. Otherwise, there might be a little hold up at the gate where he says like “Hey remember when you could’ve invited me to dinner but you picked Will Smith instead?” Straight to Hell. -I don’t like the “clap police” who thinks it’s their job to decide when it is and isn’t acceptable to clap. People get so mad when people clap after a movie ends or when a plane lands? Why? That seems like a great time to clap. You just survived the miracle of flight. You should clap. You should celebrate. you should go bow down to the pilot and kiss his feet and it would all be justified. -I think I’m out on HIPAA. I went to the dentist last week and we were talking about work and he mentioned he’d seen a few other Barstool employees in the past and when I asked who, he said “Oh sorry I can’t. That’s a HIPAA violation.” What? That’s not some private thing that needs to be protected. I’m not going to think less of someone for going to the dentist. It should be a positive thing. HIPAA needs a little more sense. -Whenever I’m the first person in my party to arrive at a bar or restaurant, I always do everything in my power to make sure people know I’m not alone when I get to the table. I’ll start filling up multiple water glasses. Throw my jacket on a different seat. I want it to look like someone’s in the bathroom or something so people don’t think “Oh there’s Tommy Smokes by himself being a pathetic loser.” -Anytime I have a tech problem with a phone, laptop, TV, whatever it may be, I’m always convinced that no simple update or online solution will help. I always think I’m the first person that has ever had that problem and that I’ll need to buy an entirely new device but then pretty much every time I Google it, I find someone describing the same problem essentially word for word. -Whenever I’m on a long line, and it’s finally my turn to go up, I feel so much pressure to be the hero that goes quicker than everyone else did. Maybe it’s the Target self checkout line, I’ll sort of give everyone a look back like, “Don’t worry boys, I got this.” And I want everyone to appreciate how fast I am but I feel like most of the time nobody notices or cares.

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-I don’t see the need for a “text me when you land” when someone goes on a flight in today’s day and age because if something goes south, I’ll find out about it. That would certainly be frontpage news. As long as I don’t see a news story about a massive plane crash, I’m just gonna assume you landed safely. -Typically, when someone is bad at receiving compliments, it’s because they always deny it and are like “Oh no, that’s not true. You’re too kind.” But I’m bad at receiving compliments, not because I deny it, but because I accept it and then one up with my own compliment to myself. If someone says “Tommy you have nice eyes” I’ll say “Oh I know. They’re amazing. Have you gotten a good look at him? A beautiful green.” Or “Tommy you’re a pretty good actor.” “No I’m a great actor. I was actually the star of all my plays and can probably star in a movie one day.” So I like getting compliments, but just one I’m going to one up you. -We should work on technology that somehow keeps a TV screen always in your line of sight. Let me explain. When I’m laying on my back in bed, I see my TV perfectly. But if I want to lay on my side, I can’t see the TV well anymore. Same thing goes for couches, recliners, etc. I’d love for there to somehow be a way that keeps the image from the TV screen moving around the room so that it’s always in my line of sight and I can watch TV from any position I please. I unfortunately feel like this might be impossible. -You should be able to remove yourself from someone else’s close friends list on Instagram. It should at least be a mutual decision because there’s too many times where someone will add me to their close friends list and I’ll think “We are certainly not close friends.” In some cases we’ve never even met. To just call us close friends is really making quite an assumption. -I think one job I’d be really good at is deciding when commercials should get inserted into movies when they’re playing on TV. There’s so many times where the movie just abruptly goes to commercial and it’s very awkward. I, however, would know the perfect spots for those breaks. -A fun game to play is getting into a cab and immediately pretending like you’re on the show “Cash Cab” when you’re very clearly not on the show Cash Cab. Just get really excited and be like “Oh my god! I’ve always wanted to be on this show! What’s the first question? Give me the first question!” The driver will be very confused, but no matter how much he insists you’re definitely 100% not on the show Cash Cab, you can never break character. Now you may ask, why do this? I don’t have an answer other than it would just be funny. Thank you for your time.

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-I don’t like when restaurants try to “do too much” as the kids say and serve too many different types of food. I prefer when they stick to one cuisine and perfect it. I want steakhouses just doing steak. I want Italian places just doing Italian. I want Asian places just doing Asian and so on and so forth. I never want to see a filet mignon and spaghetti and meatballs on the same menu. -The only reason people still use chopsticks is to show off and I refuse to believe otherwise. We invented better technology. And it’s called a fork. It does everything chopsticks can do and more. And it’s way easier to use. Still using chopsticks would be like still watching black and white TV. Or still using a Nokia flip phone. There’s no reason to do those things unless you’re some hipster trying to show you’re better than people. -I have never scrolled past a Twitter poll and not voted in it. Even when I know absolutely nothing about the topic, I feel like I just have to weigh in. Instagram, however, I almost never vote because people can see who voted, so you really have to pick your spots wisely. -Something I’ve considered doing but will probably never actually follow through with. When I go out to dinner with a group of people, I inevitably have to pee multiple times and I always get anxious that people are talking about me when I’m gone. So one time maybe I’ll just bring a voice recorder and leave it underneath at the table and then play it back later to see what people said about me. -People who update their phone software and apps immediately are way too trusting. I am always paranoid and assume a new update is going to break my phone, light it on fire, and send all my data to China or something. But I do appreciate you daredevils who get the immediate updates and report back to the rest of us. -I feel like a lot of classic artists were maybe not actually that good and it was more just a case of “right place, right time.” The Mona Lisa. Starry Night. Kind of shitty looking paintings. But not as many people were doing art back then so they had less competition. It was new to them. I feel like if today in 2022, I painted the Mona Lisa and showed it off, everyone would say “Shut up Tommy. That painting sucks. Stick to making TikToks you handsome and funny boy.” Thank you for your time.

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-I think it’s crazy that people debate if it’s harder to move from a rural area to a big city or from a big city to a rural area. It’s infinitely easier to move from the countryside to the city. You just get more things. There’s nothing hard about that. I hate hearing people complain “Oh God it’s so hard being a country girl living in the big city!” Really? What’s so hard about that? What’s so hard about having just way more things being way more accessible and way more fun. Oh you don’t have to drive an hour to go get a gallon of milk? You can go to a bar where there’s people to have fun with? You can have any meal you want right at your whenever you want it? Living in a big city is the easiest, most convenient thing a person can do. -I wish it was less rude to be the official appetizer splitter when you’re at a restaurant with a group. Say you’re with a group of 3 other people (4 total) and you get 12 wings and 8 mozzarella sticks. It’s obvious that everyone gets 3 wings and 2 mozzarella sticks. People kind of know that mentally, but everyone’s afraid to say out loud “Hey we all get this amount” like it’s rude or not proper social etiquette, even though that would just make things easy and fair for everyone. I usually do it anyway. -If someone ever buys something for me or lends me money, I would much rather just pay them back on the spot instead of them saying like “Oh just buy me a ___ instead” and sometimes that repayment is more than what they originally lent me. For example, the other day I went to get a bagel with my friend and I needed him to lend me 5 dollars cash. And I said I’d Venmo him back but he said “Don’t worry about it, just buy me a drink at the bar later.” We’re in New York City, a drink at a bar is like $11 at a minimum. Let’s just square up and that’s that. -I feel like as a society we kind of gloss over just how fucking insane it is that parrots talk. Parrots speak English. They repeat what we say. You can teach them words. They sing! They understand what we’re saying and communicate back in our own language. And we just put them in cages and are like “Ah so funny this parrot can repeat what I say.” That’s a scientific marvel. We have an animal that speaks English and nobody really gives a fuck. -Whenever I ask for more of something at a restaurant, I always feel a lot of pressure to use it all so the waiter doesn’t think it’s a waste. More napkins? I’m using every single one. More syrup? My pancakes are getting drowned. Coffee refill? I’m not leaving until there’s not a drop left. I will inconvenience and borderline torture myself just so the waiter thinks my ask was justified. -I hate when people say things like “well you know the truth in your heart” or “At least you know you're right.” That’s not NEARLY enough for me. I know that I’m right. But I also need others to know that I’m right, and that they are in turn wrong if they disagree with me. Thank you for your time.

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-I think that it’s dumb that Catholic schools don’t teach evolution, and the reason is that the concept of evolution should just make people believe in God even more. I watched one evolution documentary recently, and I came out of it thinking “There’s just no way this shit is real.” And I’m not even religious. But I mean really think about the unlikelihood of a single speck of dust appearing out of nowhere and then exploding to create everything that’s ever happened. And then it creates a planet where some of it comes together to form like a piece of bacteria that then becomes a fish that becomes a squirrel that becomes a monkey that becomes a human. No chance. I think the idea of a supreme being is actually more realistic than that. It requires a bigger leap of faith to believe in evolution than to believe in God. I finished that documentary and I hung a cross in my room. I went to church. I started reading the Bible. Who knew all along that JC and the boys were the most realistic story for our existence? -I don’t think anything has a bigger drop off in significance from childhood to adulthood than being fast does. When you’re a kid, being fast is pretty much the most important quality a person can have. You know who all the fast kids were. They’d race each other. Speed was the most valuable currency we had in elementary school. But when you’re an adult, who isn’t a professional athlete, being fast might have truly zero value in society. Imagine asking another grown adult if they want to race you? Unless you’re getting chased by a murderer, adulthood requires zero running. -You know how Apple sends out those emergency alerts everyone gets and our phones all beep like crazy? They should do that any day it’s raining out so we remember to bring an umbrella. So often I’ll forget to check if it’s raining, I don’t bring an umbrella, and then I get poured on walking to work. That would be a very practical use of the emergency alert system. Because let’s be honest, the amber alerts? I’d love to help, don’t get me wrong. The odds of me finding a missing kid 3 states away are extremely, extremely low. But the odds of me being less wet with a rain alert? 100%. -I don’t like how dark mode phone people act like the rest of us are the weirdos? I keep it on the normal mode, and I don’t have a problem with the dark mode but I hate when they act like “Ohhhh you don’t have your phone on dark mode??? You’re so weird! You’re the worst! I am better than you because my phone background is darker than yours.” We just keep it as the default setting! Don’t act like we’re the ones who are weird for not going out of our way to change it. -I ordered Chick Fil A today. A chicken tenders meal with fries, a cherry coke, and multiple dipping sauces. It came with none of the sauces! So I complained to Uber Eats and they offered me a $5 refund on a $20 meal! That should be a full refund. That didn’t ruin a quarter of the meal. That ruined the whole entire meal. I had dry tenders and fries with nothing to dip them in. I know it’s only 15 bucks but it’s not about the money, it’s about the principle! We can’t let them get away with shit like this. If you stand for nothing, you’ll fall for anything. -It’s weird how undercover cops go through so much to make sure their operation isn’t blown up and people don’t realize they’re actually the police. Like they make very elaborate, detailed plans of how to stay undercover and incognito. But then they forget one very important last piece of the puzzle which is that they all just drive the same exact car. The fact that we can so often look at a car and be like “Oh that’s an undercover cop” means maybe they should go back to the drawing board and work on that part of the plan. Thank you for your time.

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-Sometimes when I go to the doctor, I leave feeling like I wasn’t properly checked. I want an extremely thorough check up. I want to feel like I’m going through TSA and they found a possible bomb in my bag. I want no stone unturned. Like I got a full body check at the dermatologist last week, and at the end of it, I almost said “Hey let’s run that shit back one more time.” Like taking a test in school, double check your work please. In other news, I am a massive hypochondriac. -Whenever I’m in an Uber alone, I think it’s really awkward to ask the driver to hook my music up to the aux cord. It’s fine to do if you’re with a group of people and you’re heading to the bar trying to get pumped up or something, but if it’s just you and the driver, I’m afraid my driver will judge my music choices. It feels like it’s just a one person concert and I’m awkwardly DJing for him. So I’d rather just sit in silence. -There are certain food items that have to be specified on a menu if they come with a meal and mushrooms are for sure one of those items. I don’t hate mushrooms, but I don’t like them. I’d like to know if they’re going to be included. A few months ago I ordered a chicken pot pie that came with mushrooms in it and that was never specified on the menu. Who the fuck assumes mushrooms are going to be in a pot pie? Then I got a meatloaf the other day that came with mushrooms covering the whole thing. Why would I assume that was going to be the case? Look, if you want to add any item to a meal that it doesn’t traditionally come with, that’s fine. I’m all for trying new things. But just make sure people know to expect it please. -It’s very stupid that some places will charge you more money for getting a drink “on the rocks.” It’s ice. It’s frozen water. Water is free. And adding ice actually means there’s gonna be less alcohol, the water is gonna melt and then the liquor gets diluted. So really, if anything, on the rocks should get you a discount. -I had a really weird thing happen to me earlier this week. The Powerball on Monday was $550 million and I decided to play it. I bought 5 tickets so statistically speaking, my odds were pretty high. And I actually decided that I was going to win. I thought about it, and I realized, “You know what? I would enjoy having 550 million dollars. My life would be better with that money. I’m going to win tonight.” And then my numbers just didn’t come up? Which was weird because I specifically decided that I was going to win. So I don’t know what got lost in translation there. I actually did call the customer service NY Lottery and said “Hey Tommy Smokes here. I think we had a little mix up” and explained the problem in detail, and they hung up on me. Weird. -Without looking at the numbers, I would assume that airline tickets to Washington DC today, January 6th, have to be extremely low. Cause it’s exactly one year after the Capitol Attack and maybe you just had to go today for business or a family vacation, but it’s probably tough to tell people like “DC! The 6th! I’m flying in. Me and my boys. We got a ton of stuff planned. There to take care of some business. Gonna be sightseeing a lot. All the landmarks, I’ll be there.” Just maybe fly in on the 7th. Thank you for your time.

You can find every episode of this show on Apple Podcasts, Spotify or YouTube. Prime Members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. For more, visit barstool.link/tommysthursdaythoughts