Presidents Humor

London, 2044. Britain is a republic. President Jan Polak has vanished overnight from Buckingham Palace, just weeks before an election. Has he been kidnapped? Or even killed? One man is determined to find out - as soon as he's had his breakfast. His name is Pond. Howie Pond - the president's official spokesperson and wannabe secret agent. With just a love of James Bond films to guide him, Howie sets out on a mission to solve the missing-president mystery.

Dining alone in an elegant Parisian brasserie, accountant Daniel Mercier can hardly believe his eyes when President François Mitterrand sits down to eat at the table next to him. After the presidential party has gone, Daniel discovers that Mitterrand’s black felt hat has been left behind. After a few moments’ soul-searching, Daniel decides to keep the hat as a souvenir of an extraordinary evening. It’s a perfect fit, and as he leaves the restaurant Daniel begins to feel somehow...different.

From heroic George Washington to the dastardly Richard Nixon, the oval office has been occupied by larger-than-life personalities since 1789. The position comes with enormous power and responsibility, and every American president thus far has managed to achieve great things. However, the President of the United States is only human - and oftentimes far from perfect. While some men suffered through only minor mishaps during their time in office, others are famously remembered for leaving behind much bigger messes.

The question is, how can you tell the President's brain is missing? And are we sure we need it back?

Senator Jim MacVeagh is proud to serve his country - and his president, Mark Hollenbach, who has a near-spotless reputation as the vibrant, charismatic leader of MacVeagh’s party and the nation. When Hollenbach begins taking MacVeagh into his confidence, the young senator knows his star is on the rise. But then Hollenbach starts summoning MacVeagh in the middle of the night to Camp David. There, the president sits in the dark and rants about his enemies, unfurling insane theories about all the people he says are conspiring against him.

In President Me, Carolla shares his vision for a different, better America free from big issues like big government down to small problems like hotel alarm clock placement. Running on an anti-narcissism platform, President Carolla calls for a return to the values of an earlier time when stew and casserole were on every dinner table and there were no “service dogs” on airplanes. President Me hits right at the heart of what makes our country really annoying, and offers a plan to make all of our lives, but mostly Adam’s, much better.

Twelve-year-old Oliver Watson's got the IQ of a grilled cheese sandwich. Or so everyone in Omaha thinks. In reality, Oliver's a mad evil genius on his way to world domination, and he's used his great brain to make himself the third-richest person on earth! Then Oliver's father - and archnemesis - makes a crack about the upcoming middle school election, and Oliver takes it as a personal challenge. He'll run, and he'll win!

Until Donald Trump publishes the ultimate account of his entire four or eight or one and a half years in the White House, the definitive chronicle will be You Can't Spell America Without Me. Trump was elected because he was the most frank presidential candidate in history, a man eager to tell the unvarnished truth about others' flaws and tout his own amazing excellence. Now he levels his refreshingly compulsive, un-PC candor at his landslide election victory as well as his role as commander in chief and leader of the free world.

From short, fat, bald John Adams' wig-throwing tantrums during the 1800 election to Abraham Lincoln's decision to grow a beard in 1860; from John F. Kennedy's choice to forgo the fedora at his inauguration to John Kerry's decision to get Botoxed for the 2004 race; from the Golden Age of Facial Hair (1860-1912) to the Age of the Banker (1912-1960); from Washington's false teeth to George W. Bush's workout regimen, Project President tells the story of America's love affair with presidential looks and appearance.

Of the 44 presidents who have led the United States, nine made mistakes that permanently scarred the nation. Which nine? Brion McClanahan, author of The Politically Incorrect Guide to the Founding Fathers and The Founding Fathers' Guide to the Constitution, will surprise listeners with his list, which he supports with exhaustive and entertaining evidence.

Instead of saying "I do" to Mr. Irresistible, Lucy Jorik hitches a ride on the back of a beat-up motorcycle with a rough looking, bad-tempered stranger who couldn't be more foreign to her privileged existence. While the world searches for her, Lucy must search for herself, and she quickly realizes that her customary good manners are no defense against a man who's raised rudeness to an art form. Lucy needs to toughen up - and fast. Her great escape takes her to his rambling beach house on a Great Lakes island. Here, she hopes to find a new direction...and to unlock the secrets of this man who knows so much about her.

The Onion is proud to present The President of Vice: The Autobiography of Joe Biden. In this scandalous memoir, America's favorite politician discusses his early years, before he became ultimate wingman to the leader of the free world. For the first time ever “Diamond” Joe discusses the formative experiences of his life, including his childhood selling hooch in Scranton, his years cruising college campuses picking up co-eds in a Del Rio, the grade-A tang he plowed in the summer of '87, and his "sweet ass gig" as Senator of Delaware.

Democratic vice presidential candidate Senator Joseph Lieberman made history when he became the first person of Jewish faith to be included on a major-party ticket. But he wasn't the first one to think of it. Not by a long shot. Long before he ran for office, Al Franken asked the question, Why Not Me? in his comedic audiobook of the same name....

James Wong built a billion-dollar software company with his childhood friend, Maria Cortez. He had everything until an ultra-rich investor stole control of his company with a shady contract. How do you fight the rich and powerful? In a video game, he would use a power-up to defeat the villain. Maria tells him there aren't power-ups in real life, but James finds the ultimate power-up: become the president. They must uncover secrets about their company, themselves, and the dark forces aligned against them.

Timothy Cooper's novel, 2020 or My Name Is Jesus Christ and I'm Running for President paints a hilariously envisioned America caught up in presidential politics. In actuality, it tells the prophetic story of the rise of Donald Trump. Here Jesus returns to Earth, only to find himself pitted against his satanic stepbrother, Beelzebub, in a contest for the presidency and for the very soul of America.

The First Robot President combines science fiction with political satire, making fun of Democrats and Republicans in equal measure. The novel centers around Thomas Jenkins, a lobbyist, and his robot wife whose political ambitions land her on the Green Party's 2520 Presidential ticket.

Patrick Wensink’s Broken Piano for President earned him status as an internationally best-selling author - as well as a "World’s Nicest Cease and Desist" from Jack Daniel’s. Deshler Dean is only at his brilliant best when he’s blackout drunk. Having invented a hamburger as addictive as crystal meth, scored a record contract for his alt-rock band, and become entangled in the biggest war since WWII, Deshler finds himself tackling the fast-food industry - and trying to save the world.

Imagine you live next door to the "neighbor from hell". And then imagine what might happen if the neighbor from hell is the most powerful person in the world - the president of the United States!

Well, now you've gone and done it, America. You've elected Donald K. Trump president, and the US will never again be the same! The problem for all of us is that he's got plans - lots of them. The list reads like a bad acid trip: nominating Bernie Madoff for secretary of the Treasury; "Trumpifying" the Constitution; making personal real estate deals with Vladimir Putin; staging a hostile takeover of one of America's great news magazines - to name just a few.

Raising the literary bar to a new level, Jerome Charyn re-creates the voice of Theodore Roosevelt, the New York City police commissioner, Rough Rider, and soon-to-be 26th president through his derring-do adventures, effortlessly combining superhero dialogue with haunting pathos. Beginning with his sickly childhood and concluding with McKinley's assassination, the novel positions Roosevelt as a "perfect bull in a china shop," a fearless crime fighter and pioneering environmentalist who would grow up to be our greatest peacetime president.