As a parent or someone in a parenting role, you play a vital role in your teen’s success. There are intentional ways to grow a healthy parent-teen relationship. Teaching your teen to repair harm is an excellent opportunity.

Your support in growing the skill of repairing harm can help your teen develop social awareness -- “the ability to understand the perspectives of and empathize with others, including those from diverse backgrounds, cultures, and contexts.”^1 They’ll develop relationship skills as they learn how to mend hurt feelings in friendships or with coaches, teachers, or mentors. They’ll also exercise responsible decision making, or “the ability to make caring and constructive choices about personal behavior and social interactions across diverse situations,” learning that their choices cause a reaction or outcome, which can harm others or themselves.” ^1 These skills grow your teen’s sense of responsibility, while improving your relationship.

Some parents and those in a parenting role feel that if they do not impose punishments, their teens will not understand that their behavior is inappropriate. When a teen is punished, they often feel angry or hurt. They also may feel that your intervention is unfair or unjust as they exert more independence. This impacts their relationship with you while failing to teach them the appropriate constructive behavior and build a skill. Your teen is likely to miss the lesson you want to emphasize. An even greater risk is that the injustice they feel can lead them to hide or not share challenging circumstances in their lives that you want to be aware of.

Punishment often leads to more poor choices. A vicious cycle begins in which a teen feels bad about themselves and repeats the behaviors expected of a “bad teen.” To interrupt this cycle, parents and those in a parenting role need to learn to actively support them in repairing harm.

You can expect that teens ages 15-19 will make mistakes, test limits, and break rules. And when they do, they only consider their impulses and desires and not how they might impact you or others. The prefrontal cortex, the part of the brain responsible for decision making and reasoning, fully develops once your teen is in their mid-twenties, so it is natural for teens to forget to pause before acting. Teens require support and follow-through from parents and those in a parenting role to understand the impact and how to improve things. They need to understand that they always have another chance to repair harm. This skill is developed over time and requires a lot of practice.

Research confirms that teens are developing higher-order thinking skills, such as consequential thinking and linking cause to effect.^2 This directly impacts their school, including college success, their ability to sustain healthy relationships, and their ability to take responsibility for their actions as they grow. Teens need the guidance and support of caring adults to learn these skills.

Guidance on repairing harm can be challenging for many parents and those in a parenting role.^3 Instead of a quick, reflexive response like yelling, scolding, or punishing, repairing harm takes time, follow-through, and thoughtful consideration. Yet, it can become your teen's most powerful teaching opportunity as they learn to take responsibility for their actions and begin to understand how their choices impact others. As you utilize these teachable moments, your relationship with them will be enriched. The steps below include specific, practical strategies along with effective conversation starters.

When your fifteen-year-old hides a failed test, your sixteen-year-old lies about going to a friend’s house where there’s alcohol available, or your nineteen-year-old verbally fights with a neighbor, these situations are...

As a parent or someone in a parenting role, you play a vital role in your teen’s success. There are intentional ways to teach your teen to communicate well, and working with them to transform disrespect is a perfect opportunity.

You can be purposeful and deliberate about responding when you feel your teen has shown disrespect through words or actions. This can occur because they feel angry or hurt toward a parent, teacher, or family member. They may lash out with words when they feel powerless in an attempt to gain power. You must offer ways for your teen to gain power while expressing hurt or angry feelings in ways that demonstrate respect. Learning to respond to anger constructively requires all five social and emotional skills[1] : self-awareness, self-management, social awareness, relationship skills, and responsible decision making. Your reaction to your teen can help teach them constructive, healthy ways to be understood, seek and gain power, and respond to others respectfully when angry or upset.

Seeking power is a typical human need. Everyone desires control over their lives. Yet, teens may often feel they lack control over their circumstances, leading to frustration. One essential role parents or those in a parenting role can play is to educate their teens on positive ways to seek and use power. Yet, when they are disrespectful, it can offend or hurt personally. Parents often need to deal with their upset feelings, calming down before responding so that they react in ways that take advantage of the teachable opportunity.

Some parents or those in a parenting role feel that if they do not impose punishments, their teens will not understand that their behavior is inappropriate. When a teen is punished, they often feel scared, humiliated, and hurt. This overwhelming sense of fear or hurt impacts their relationship with you while also failing to teach them the appropriate behavior. Your teen’s sense of injustice and anger may increase. Most importantly, your teen will likely miss the lesson you want to emphasize and feel unsafe.

Research confirms that when teens learn to identify, understand, and experience big emotions without feeling overcome, they can better manage their behavior, problem-solve, and focus their attention.^1 Teens need the guidance and support of caring adults to learn these skills.

Many parents or those in a parenting role find respect challenging. Approaching power-seeking words and actions as teachable moments that grow your teen’s skills can transform your relationship.

When your fifteen-year-old yells that she hates you when frustrated with your “No” response or your eighteen-year-old intentionally skips a family gathering when angry, these situations are opportunities to transform disrespect.

Today, in the short term, transforming disrespect into learning how to use power and channel anger in healthy ways can create

● a sense of confidence that you can help your teen regain calm and focus

● a greater understanding in you of the connection between your teen’s feelings and their behaviors

● trust in each other that you have the competence to manage your intense feelings

● a growing understanding of rules and expectations

Tomorrow, in the long term, transforming disrespect helps your teen

● build skills in self-awareness, self-management, social awareness, relationships, and responsible decision making

● learn independence and...

As a parent or someone in a parenting role, you play a vital role in your teen’s success. There are intentional ways to grow a healthy parent-teen relationship and growing your teen’s skills to communicate respectfully provides a perfect opportunity.

Conflict happens in families -- between spouses, among siblings, and between parents and teens. Arguing in family life is typical. “Back talk” can be defined as “argumentative replies.”^1 Teens can respond in anger, hurt, and frustration, using hurtful tones or words. But back talk also represents a power imbalance teens are trying to rectify. Power, after all, is a basic human need. Teens and young adults ages 15-19 are growing their listening, empathy, assertive communication, and problem-solving skills. Growing your teen’s skills to respond assertively but non-aggressively is essential to their success.

Anyone may face challenges with back talk. “You can’t tell me what to do!” your teen may exclaim in anger and frustration when you say “No” to an unsupervised party where peers may be drinking. Your teen’s responses can make you angry and upset. As your teen develops, they must test their limits and rules to internalize them. This can lead to arguments between you and your teen. They will also have evolving emotional needs and may lack the communication skills necessary to ask for what they need. Using the steps below can help navigate this challenge with skill. The steps below include specific, practical strategies and effective conversation starters to prepare you.

Whether it’s your fifteen-year-old screaming, “I hate you!” in a fight, your junior in high school shouting, “No, I won’t stop!” when screen time is over, or your nineteen-year-old crying, “It’s all your fault,” when they get rejected by their college of choice, establishing healthy ways of responding to life’s most challenging moments is a vital skill your teen needs to thrive.

Today, in the short term, teaching skills to respond to disagreements in healthy ways can create

● greater opportunities for connection, cooperation, and enjoyment

● trust in each other, and

● a sense of well-being and motivation

Tomorrow, in the long term, teaching your teen effective ways to communicate their feelings and needs

● develops a sense of safety, security, and self-belief

● grows skills in self-awareness, self-management, social awareness, relationship skills, responsible decision-making, and

● deepens family trust and intimacy

This five-step process helps you and your teen communicate during your toughest, most emotional moments in ways that do not harm. It also grows essential critical life skills. The same process can also address other parenting issues (learn more about the process[1] ).

Tip: These steps are done best when you and your teen are not tired or in a rush.

Tip: Intentional communication[2] and healthy parenting relationships[3] will support these steps.

You can get your teen thinking about healthy ways to communicate by asking them open-ended questions. You’ll help prompt your teen’s thinking. You’ll also better understand their thoughts, feelings, and challenges related to how they feel when confronting them so that you can...