Five-year-olds are working on understanding and applying rules in various situations. They are seeking independence and will naturally test limits and break rules. When they do, they require guidance on how to repair harm caused to a relationship or item. This is a normal part of their development and necessary for their learning. Research confirms that children are in the process of developing higher-order thinking skills, such as consequential thinking and linking cause to effect. This directly impacts their school success and ability to take responsibility for their actions as they grow. Children need the guidance and support of caring adults to learn these skills.

Step 1: Get Input- Get Your Child Thinking by Getting Their Input

● You can ask them about how they are feeling.

○ “I noticed your face got red. So, when you said unkind things to your sister, were you frustrated?”

○ “I saw your friend leave you to play with someone else at the playground. I wonder if you are feeling sad?”

● You can also ask them about how they think others might be feeling.

○ “Your sister cried when you said those unkind words to her. How might she be feeling?”

○ “When your friend didn’t get to take their turn, how do you think they were feeling?”

○ “When you said that to me, how do you think that made me feel?”

Trap: Avoid letting the question turn into an accusation. Remember to stay calm and that the goal of the question is to help your child uncover feelings.

Step 2: Teach New Skills

● Understanding your own feelings and behaviors when your child misbehaves is a great way to start. It will help you know what your child is learning to do.

● Model behaviors (and your children will notice and learn!).

● Teach positive behaviors. Children need to learn the positive behavior that can replace inappropriate behavior.

● Create a calm-down plan. “What helps you feel better when you're sad, mad, or hurt?”

● Practice deep breathing to calm down.

● Brainstorm coping strategies and make a list together, such as hugging a pillow, reading a favorite book, walking outside, getting a glass of water, or listening to music.

● Work on your family feelings vocabulary. Use specific feelings words to describe your state of mind and help your child describe theirs.

● Teach assertive communication through I-messages such as “I feel _________(insert feeling word) when you______ (name the words or actions that upset you) because__________.” “I feel sad when you say hurtful things to your brother because it hurts his feelings.”

Tip: Deep breathing removes the chemical that has flowed over your brain, allowing you to regain access to your creativity, language, and logic rather than staying stuck in your primal brain. Practicing deep breathing with your child can offer them a powerful tool anytime, anywhere, when they feel overwhelmed with heated emotions.

Tip: Play feelings-guessing games with the family. At a meal, share facial expressions showing a range of emotions and guess which they are.

Trap: Though it can sometimes feel like it, there are no “bad”...

Five-year-olds seek independence and will naturally test limits and break rules. When they feel powerless and angry, they can lash out in ways that show disrespect for others. Though this is a normal part of their development and necessary for their learning, it can anger or worry a caring parent or someone in a parenting role. You can transform these moments into vital opportunities to teach children healthy and respectful alternatives.

Step 1: Get Input- Get Your Child Thinking by Getting Their Input

● Ask yourself, “Does my child have an unmet need?” Perhaps they are hungry or tired, need attention, or need downtime.

● Check on how you are feeling. If you are angry, frustrated, or overwhelmed, you may need to take a few minutes to collect yourself before engaging your child.

● Ask your child how they are feeling. “I notice your face is red. Are you feeling frustrated?” Or “I saw your friend leave to go play with someone else. I wonder if you are feeling sad?”

● Use your best listening skills.

Trap: Be sure you talk about disrespect at a calm time when you are not stressed or upset!

Step 2: Teach New Skills

● Learn together! Transforming disrespect requires dealing with challenging feelings in healthy ways and learning constructive ways to use and share power.

● Model respectful words and actions, and your children will notice and learn!

● Work on your family feelings vocabulary.

● Create a calm-down plan.

● Practice deep breathing to calm down.

● Teach assertive communication through I-messages such as “I feel _________(insert feeling word) when you______ (name the words or actions that upset you) because__________.”

● Teach your child positive ways to seek control or power.

● Teach your child to repair harm.

● End the day with love. Often, when a child acts disrespectfully they feel bad about themselves; spend one-on-one time with your child to remind them they are loved no matter their choices.

Tip: Create a signal you can use when you, your child, or both are overwhelmed by challenging feelings. You might say, “I need a minute!” or “Code red!” Practice using it so that it becomes a habit to pause when angry or upset before responding.

Step 3: Practice to Grow Skill and Develop Habits

● Accept feelings (even ones you don’t like!): “I hear you’re upset. What can you do to help yourself feel better?”

● Use “Show me…” statements like “Show me how you can make a good choice when you talk to your sister.”

● Offer limited and authentic choices. “Do you want to do homework at the kitchen counter or the dining room table?”

● Share power through turn-taking or cooperative decision making as a family.

● Practice deep breathing. This is a simple practice your child can use to assist themselves anytime, anywhere.

● Follow through on repairing harm.

● Proactively remind:...

Chores allow your child to contribute to maintaining and caring for your family’s household. Daily chores allow your child to learn and practice valuable skills like timeliness, work ethic, and responsibility.

Tip: These steps are done best when you and your child are not tired or in a rush.

Tip: Intentional communication and a healthy parenting relationship support these steps.

Step 1: Get Input- Get Your Child Thinking by Getting Their Input

Consider what chores need to be done. You might start by thinking through the rooms in the house, beginning with your child’s room.

● “What must we do in your bedroom to keep it clean and ready to use?”

● “How should we deal with dirty clothes and prepare clean clothes for school?”

● “When and how do we prepare and eat family dinner together?”

● “When we are finished playing, how do we leave our play areas?”

Tip: For 5-7-year-olds, Get paper and markers and have your child write down their ideas in response to the above questions. Consult the developmentally appropriate list of chores (see full tool) for ideas. For 8-10-year-olds, create a checklist together of your household responsibility plan on a whiteboard or chalkboard.

Trap: Be sure to create your plan at a calm time. Don’t create your plan when you are in the routine, hungry or tired, or under time pressure.

Step 2: Teach New Skills

● Say what you will model and why. Model it. “Watch how I play, waiter. You can try it after me!”

● Ask your child what they noticed: “What did you notice when I acted like a waiter?”

● Invite your child to model: “Okay, it's your turn to pretend to be the waiter.”

● Ask what they noticed with their modeling: “What did you notice when you did it?”

● Practice together: “Let’s both be waiters. I’ll set the napkins down, and you place the silverware.”

● Provide specific feedback starting with strengths using “I notice…” statements like, “I noticed you handled the silverware carefully -- terrific! When you put the napkins down, count so that each person gets one.”

Tip: Be certain and pick a time to do this when you do not have time pressures.

Tip: Remember that children learn through play. Play act like you would a game.

Trap: Requiring a child to do a household task before teaching first is bound to create problems. Your child may not feel competent enough to do the job without teaching. Take the time to teach the new job before incorporating it into their routine!

Step 3: Practice to Grow Skill and Develop Habits

● Use “Show me…” statements like, “Show me how you make your bed.”

● Proactively remind: “Remember our next step? What is it?”

Step 4: Support Your Child's Development and Success

● Ask key questions: “How are you feeling when it’s time to clean up? Do you know where everything goes?”

● Recognize effort by using “I notice” statements...

Becoming intentional about your child’s daily technology use can influence how they develop a healthy relationship with technology and its role in their life. Looking for ways to experience and learn together about how to use devices wisely contributes to your child’s development.

Step 1: Get Input- Get Your Child Thinking by Getting Their Input

Writing down notes on your child’s responses to the following questions will help you develop rules or routines for device use.

● What are your hopes and goals for your time after school and on weekends?

● Do you get to do everything you want to do in your free time – or connect with the people you want to communicate with (friends, family), or are there things you miss out on?

● What roles do you want your devices to play in your life? (i.e., learning, entertainment, connection with friends)

● Do you tend to want screen time when you experience a particular emotion (e.g., sadness, frustration, anger)?

● What other things would you like to try to calm down and feel better when you have this feeling? Can we talk about it, go outside, listen to music, or draw a picture?

Trap: Be sure you talk about technology use at a calm time when you are not stressed or upset!

Step 2: Teach New Skills

Model healthy technology habits.

● Because technology plays a significant role in our family's life, modeling how you use technology teaches our children more than our words ever could. How are you disciplined about technology? Do you have rules for putting the laptop down and storing work away at the end of the day? Do you have times when you turn off or leave behind your phone? Share those practices with your child so that they understand that it’s not only children who have to manage devices and cultivate healthy technology habits.

● Notice how you cope with challenges and uncomfortable feelings. Do you tend to use technology as an “escape”? Talk with your child about how you are feeling and what you will do to calm down rather than tune out.

Research content together before viewing.

● Our children need to learn to become their very own media analysts. Download an app or visit a media review site together. Get into a habit of reading together about new video games, television programs, movies, and applications before selecting them to view. If they are not developmentally appropriate, move on to something that is.

● Research any topic you are curious about on the internet together and review the keywords to use and the quality of the sites that come up in your search. Discuss the quality and reliability of the site.

Tip: Playing story games with your child, like cooperatively making up a story, can stir imagination, creativity, and a love of stories.

Trap: Not all media is trustworthy! Fake news, images, and videos are interspersed with real media. How do you know what to believe? And how do you guide your child? Making your child aware of the fact that there are fabricated news stories is an essential part of training them to use critical judgment when viewing media.

Step 3: Practice to Grow Skill and Develop Habits

● Use “Show me…” statements with a positive tone and body language to express excitement and curiosity. When your child...

Research confirms that when young children learn to manage their feelings, their executive functions are simultaneously strengthened.1 They can better use self-control, problem-solve, and focus their attention. There are intentional ways to grow a healthy parent-child relationship. Growing your child’s skills to manage anger provides a perfect opportunity.

Tip: These steps are done best when you and your child/teen are not angry, tired, or in a rush.

Tip: Intentional communication and a healthy parenting relationship support these steps.

Step 1: Get Input- Get Your Child Thinking by Getting Their Input

● “When do you feel angry?”

● “What time of day?”

● “What people, places, and activities are usually involved?”

● “How does your body feel now?” (in a calm moment) “How does your body feel when you are angry?”

Trap: Be sure you talk about anger at a calm time when you are not stressed or upset.

Step 2: Teach New Skills

● Learn together! Anger and hurt are important messages to pay attention to. They mean emotional, social, or physical needs are not being met, or necessary boundaries (rules, values) are being violated.

● Anger is not bad or negative. You should not avoid or shut down the experience of it.

● Expressing anger in a way such as yelling will not make it go away.

● Venting, such as complaining, ranting, or even mumbling, does not relieve the upset thoughts and feelings.

● Avoiding or pretending you are not angry will not make it go away.

● Model behaviors and your children will notice and learn! 2

● Create a calm-down plan.

● Recognize your anger from physical signs.

● Practice deep breathing to calm down.

● Brainstorm coping strategies for yourself, such as walking outside, moving in slow motion, distracting yourself, writing, or drawing.

● Make a list of coping strategies with your child, like counting to 50, drawing, coloring, or building something. Keep it handy!

● Work on your family feelings vocabulary. Use specific feeling words to describe your state of mind and help your child describe theirs.

● Play feelings guessing games with the family. Ask each family member what they did today and see if you can guess their feelings from their expression.

● Create a safe base -- a place in the house where your child can choose to go when they want comfort.

● Reflect on your child’s anger so you can be prepared to help. “What needs is my child not getting met? Can my child address the issue alone, or do they need to communicate a need, ask for help, or set a boundary?”

● Teach assertive communication through I-messages such as “I feel _________(insert feeling word) when you______ (name the words or actions that upset you) because__________.”

● Teach your child...

Your child’s success depends upon their ability to listen and understand what you and others are communicating. There are intentional ways to grow a healthy parent-child relationship while building essential listening skills in your child.

Tip: These steps are done best when you and your child are not tired or in a rush.

Tip: Intentional communication and healthy parenting relationships will support these steps.

Step 1: Get Input- Get Your Child Thinking by Getting Their Input

● “Do you feel listened to? When and by whom?”

● “How do you know that the person truly listens to you?”

● “Are there times when someone is not listening to you?”

● “How does that make you feel?”

Tip: During a family meal, explore the question: “What does it take to listen well?” Allow each family member to respond—model listening by allowing each person to complete their thoughts without interruption or judgment.

Step 2: Teach New Skills

● Model listening while interacting with your child. Notice your body language. Ask: “What is my body communicating, and how am I demonstrating that I’m listening?”

● Listen for thought and feeling. In addition to listening to what your child says, see if you can identify the unspoken thought and feeling behind the content, in other words, the context.

● Build a sacred time into your routine when you are fully present to listen to what your child has to tell you.

● Learn listening strategies together by trying them out.

○ Demonstrate poor listening and good listening. Act it out, then reflect and ask: “What did you notice about her body language?”

○ Actively listen. One person listens to fully understand what the speaker is saying and waits until the speaker is finished talking before responding.

○ Paraphrase. Echo back to the speaker a summary of what they’ve said to check how accurate your listening is and also to confirm that you have heard them (“I heard you say that…”).

○ Seek clarification. If you are listening to learn something from the speaker, it is important to seek clarification on details to make certain you understand: “What did you mean when you said you weren’t happy this morning? What happened?”

○ Practice questioning and commenting with empathy. Instead of responding to a speaker with your own experiences, focus solely on the content of what has been communicated. Your child: “Today, Mrs. Smith started a new project. We are going to be building fairy tree houses. I can’t wait.” You: “Sounds like you are excited about this project. What else besides sticks do we need to collect?”

Step 3: Practice to Grow Skill and Develop Habits

● Use “Show me…” statements like “Show me how you can listen at dinner without interrupting.”

● Recognize effort: “I noticed how you listened fully to your sister when she was upset. That’s so helpful to her.”

● Play listening...

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Arguing in family life is typical and expected. “Back talk” can be defined as “argumentative replies.”^1 Children can respond in anger, hurt, frustration, hurtful tones, or with hurtful words. Back talk also represents a power imbalance children are trying to rectify. To regain some power, children lash out with hurtful words. Power, after all, is a basic human need. Building your child’s skills to respond assertively but non-aggressively is essential to their success.

Tip: These steps are done best when you and your child are not tired or in a rush.

Tip: Intentional communication and a healthy parenting relationship will support these steps.

Step 1: Get Input- Get Your Child Thinking by Getting Their Input

● “What gets you upset or mad at a friend, a relative, Mom and Dad?”

● “What feelings do you experience?” (Name the multiple feelings that occur.)

● “How does your body feel when you’re upset?” (Name how your child physically experiences being upset, whether it’s a red hot face or a racing heartbeat.)

● “Have you hurt another person’s feelings when you’ve argued? How did that feel?”

● “How might you have argued differently to express your needs but not harm the other person?”

● Practicing naming feelings will enable your child to identify their and others’ feelings and seek support when needed. This can help your child gain competence.

● Use your best listening skills!

Step 2: Teach New Skills

● Reflect on how you currently model communication when you’re upset. Only model what you want to see and hear back from your child.

● Fighting habits hurt others and destroy trust in one another:^2

○ Do not use physical force.

○ Do not talk about others negatively when they are not present.

○ Do not criticize.

○ Do not show contempt.

○ Do not become defensive or blaming.

○ Do not refuse to listen or give the silent treatment.

● Play like a hermit crab to help calm down. When upset, pretend to bury yourself in your shell with your child, arms over your head. Take some deep breaths together and only reemerge when feeling better.

● Begin to teach your child to repair harm. A critical step in teaching children about managing anger is learning how to repair harm when they’ve caused it.

Tip: If your child finds it difficult to give you a feeling word, offer them options and ask which ones fit their true emotions. This will help expand their feelings vocabulary.

Step 3: Practice to Grow Skill and Develop Habits

● Allow your child the chance to assert their needs in small ways, like ordering for themselves in a restaurant or asking for your attention in healthy ways.

● Consider how you can create the conditions to support their success (like offering coaching or guided open-ended questions to prompt thinking) so your child...

Children and adults alike experience stress. Stress is the physical or mental response to an external cause, such as a change in a routine or being yelled at by an angry sibling. Feelings of stress are naturally built-in mechanisms for human survival. These feelings are the body’s way of warning you when there is danger and calling your attention to problems that need resolving. A stressor can be one-time or ongoing. Anxiety is the body’s reaction to stress and can occur even if there is no current threat. While all humans experience some anxiety, when worries and fears become persistent, they can begin to interfere with everyday life and impact your child’s health. As a parent or those in a parenting role, you can help your child learn to identify and manage their stress -- a skill they will use throughout their lives.