In which I talk about how I only started to feel better when I realized how my pink hoping strategies were interfering with me understanding that being on the mobility scooter today or trying to get into the hyperbaric chamber we're paying impossibilities that were just going to make me worse. The kind of long-term pain especially the fibromyalgia colliding with the dyslexia and the architectural pain which creates a special kind of hell. And add to that the new motor on my scooter creating a high-pitched war which collides with the sound sensitivity portion of ME and fibro. And on top of that because of forces outside of his control haven't been able to see my physio for almost 6 weeks. And I haven't had this extent of pain nausea and pain nightmares since the COVID lockdown. now that of course got way worse because it was months. But even being three to four weeks late for physio means i have quite the cacophony of pain, amplified exhaustion, and loss of emotional resiliency

at 6:00 a.m. or so and I've been awake since 2:00. I promised myself I would document all of the stuff particularly how hard things are. This is me without the coping strategies of the previous episode. cuz pain dreams strip all that away

resiliency dampened by pain and the extent of the difficulties means that despair has caught up with me

we're a talk about the many different kinds of difficult things I'm attempting to deal with, advocacy next steps, advocacy current obstacles, and health supports obstacles. hence the title squish squashed

and the episode icon is spring blossoms! cuz I adore spring. So that helps with my head space a bit. But I'm also worried about despair. currently going to run out of GoFundMe money the beginning of April. which is terrifying. it never gets less terrifying the whole month to month GoFundMe thing