In Episode 235, a PBSE listener writes in to ask Mark & Steve for guidance on how to best support his partner going forward. The couple were together off and on for 11 years and then married for the last 10 years. During the entire span of 21 years, he has struggled with sex/porn addiction and alcohol abuse. Recently, he got serious about getting into recovery, for both his alcohol dependency and his sex/porn addiction. As an essential part of his recovery and her healing, under the direction of a therapist, they engaged in their first "Discovery Day," where the truth about his decades-long addictions, gaslighting, lying, manipulation, etc., came out into the light. He seems determined to keep moving forward in his recovery and is asking, "Now what? How can I be there for her in this time immediately after disclosure and going forward?"

Mark and Steve call upon their decades-long experience with all aspects of the Disclosure process and what it takes for an addict to continue progressing in recovery and help his partner start and continue healing from betrayal trauma—

• All “disclosures” are not created equal! There are a number of parts of the addict’s submission that cause concern—
  • He indicates he wasn’t fully prepared for the Disclosure. What does it realistically take to “be prepared”?
  • They only had a 45-minute session set aside for D-day. Why might this be a problem?
  • It appears that the continuance of his disclosure and her questions happened 2 days later and then again 2 days after that—and apparently without the therapist. Where can this approach go wrong?
  • What ARE the parts of an effective Disclosure? The 3 FOUNDATIONAL FOOTINGS—Disclosure; Impact; and Amends.
• After all three parts of a formal Disclosure, THEN WHAT?
  • This is NOT a “one and done”! It's an “intimacy doorway” we walk through and it is just the beginning.
  • Going forward is all about “Living Amends” on the part of the addict in recovery.
  • Consistency, consistency, consistency—a trajectory/up-ward spiral that includes many efforts on the part of the addict including leaning in; leading out; proactively pursuing recovery; proactively anticipating and participating in the healing partner's needs, and more.

Learn more about Mark and Steve's revolutionary online porn/sexual addiction recovery and betrayal trauma healing program at—daretoconnectnow.com

Find out more about Steve Moore at: Ascension Counseling

Learn more about Mark Kastleman at: Reclaim Counseling Services

Episode 234 comes in response to TWO situations/questions sent to PBSE by porn/sex addicts in recovery. Here’s a brief overview of each—

The first has been addicted to porn since he was 14 and is now well into his adult years. He was in a relationship for 3 years before disclosing his addiction. In his own words he says—Since then I have lied about recovery; was in active addiction while supposedly practicing recovery; gaslit, verbally and psychologically abused my partner for years. I lied in my disclosure and also failed a polygraph test. I triangulated her with therapists and friends.

As would be obvious, all of this has severely impacted his partner. Here’s what he shares about that—My partner has suffered greatly from everything I have done. She is extremely depressed and doesn't know how to feel better. We spend a lot of time talking about all the issues, and even more so when I continue my bad behaviors. She feels hopeless, that I don't love her, and that I don't desire her. She believes that I will never be able to love her like she deserves. I love her—but I have failed multiple times to show that I desire her and want her. Demonstrating the opposite.

This addict appears to have finally become serious about recovery—he attends 12-Step meetings, has a Sponsor, has worked with a CSAT therapist, and has become completely honest. He is “sober” from porn, BUT, he still feels himself holding back, returning to old behaviors, not being “emotionally sober,” present and transparent, etc. He asks PBSE, “What do I really want? Am I lying to myself about this whole recovery thing? Do I just not care and I’m just being a whiny child?!”

The second submission comes from a porn/sex addict who has been in serious recovery for the last 7 ½ years. He attends multiple 12-Step meetings each week, works with a CSAT, has a solid outside support system that he connects with daily, BUT here’s his frustration—

Yet I still act out every 2-3 months on average* and I am NOT okay with this. While better than before (2-3 times/week), it is so frustrating to have all this experience and wisdom, yet to not be able to surrender a craving. Every relapse feels like a different reason (shame, fear, overwork, resentment, pain, exhaustion, rest, fun) and I need a PhD in psychology to find the heart issues before they become porn issues. My sweet, strong, forgiving wife says she is still with me, though divorce is now on the table. I fear the day she wakes up and feels ridiculous that she's still in this relationship.

In this episode, Mark and Steve get raw and real about what a porn/sex addict needs to do to GET REAL, LASTING SEXUAL & EMOTIONAL SOBRIETY AND RECOVERY!


Learn more about Mark and Steve's revolutionary online porn/sexual addiction recovery and betrayal trauma healing program at—daretoconnectnow.com

Find out more about Steve Moore at: Ascension Counseling

Learn more about Mark Kastleman at: Reclaim Counseling Services

In Episode 233, Mark & Steve respond to a very heart-felt submission from a betrayed partner, who asks some very hard questions about her relationship with a partner who is a porn/sex addict in recovery. Here's what she submitted to PBSE—

Hi Mark and Steve, I’m feeling a lot of apathy in my marriage and I don’t understand the point in staying. I’ve been with my husband for two years and married for less than six months. We have been separated for two weeks now because he has kept relapsing on porn. I have been previously married and initiated the divorce when I realized I was in a psychologically abusive marriage. My current husband has the pattern of—a [new disclosure day,] then a honeymoon period where he makes changes and has lots of epiphanies, and then within a couple of weeks he slides backwards and then he is shocked when he relapses again. This time around it looks like he is throwing himself into recovery: 12 step attendance, therapy, daily accountability partner, journaling, meeting with our religious leader. But I just don’t believe in any of it. I’m waiting for the cycle to repeat itself. I go to my own support groups and I listen to these sad women and the whole time I’m thinking, “why are we putting up with this? Why are we risking our well-being for the slim chance our addict spouses will change decades of ingrained behavior?” I want to leave. I know life goes on after divorce. I know I’ll be ok. Currently I stay because God has told me to give it more time. But I am not interested in being another woman whose spouse is still relapsing years later. Could you please tell us spouses what’s the point in staying? What is there to be gained for us?

- In the Dare to Connect program, we are currently diving deep into what it means to get in-tune with one's authentic wants and needs in a relationship and how to set healthy boundaries around this authenticity.

- Too often in our culture, it's not safe to express true wants and needs, or we're used to them not being consistently met anyway, so we naturally default to hopelessness, apathy and exhaustion.

- How can betrayed partners peel back the layers on what they truly and authentically want and need at their deepest core--and HOW can they voice these and place healthy boundaries around them?

- How can a betrayed partner use a "Pros & Cons" list to get raw and real in the decision about whether to stay or go—and how can she talk openly and vulnerably with her addict partner about this list?

- For many betrayed partners, it IS authentic to keep having hope, being optimistic and keep seeing the good in their addict partners. But are there limits on this approach? When does it leave the realm of being "authentic"?

- Why a betrayed partner should ALWAYS make life-altering decisions from a place of EMPOWERMENT and NEVER from a boxed-in place of helplessness.


Learn more about Mark and Steve's revolutionary online porn/sexual addiction recovery and betrayal trauma healing program at—daretoconnectnow.com

Find out more about Steve Moore at: Ascension Counseling

Learn more about Mark Kastleman at: Reclaim Counseling Services