In this powerful PBSE conversation (Episode 298), we respond to a listener who vulnerably asked whether he is staying in his marriage out of love—or out of fear and obligation. Three and a half months into the space between Discovery Day and full therapeutic disclosure, he wonders if he can truly love his wife, or if he is staying simply because of the kids, his reputation, or fear of being alone. Mark and Steve normalize these questions and share how fear-based thinking dominates the early stages of recovery, often leaving addicts panicked, frozen, and driven by “shoulds” instead of authentic desire.

We discuss how these questions often reflect growth, not failure. Moving from a “me” mindset to a “we” mindset can feel foreign and terrifying, but it is a critical milestone in recovery. We encourage addicts to avoid “future tripping”—trying to predict where they’ll be in five, ten, or twenty years—and instead focus on the next right step. We also reframe the partner’s question, “Do you really want me?” as a bid for connection and safety, not a demand for a lifetime guarantee.

Ultimately, recovery is about gradually putting down the masks, moving out of obligation, and stepping into authentic choice. Relationships will always involve risk, but we are wired for connection, not disconnection. As addicts and partners commit to healing, they return to their natural state of love, intimacy, and collaboration. There are no guarantees about the future, but by staying present, honest, and connected, couples can rebuild a marriage that is chosen—not just endured.

For a full transcript of this podcast in article format, go to: As a Recovering Porn & Sex Addict, What is Keeping Me in My Marriage?

Learn more about Mark and Steve's revolutionary online porn/sexual addiction recovery and betrayal trauma healing program at—daretoconnectnow.com

Find out more about Steve Moore at: Ascension Counseling

Learn more about Mark Kastleman at: Reclaim Counseling Services

In Episode 297, Mark & Steve respond to a heart-felt submission by a porn/sex addict in active recovery. He describes an ongoing situation that is very difficult for his betrayed partner and shows a great deal of genuine concern for her. Here's the issue—compliments by friends, family and others, aimed at an addict in recovery, can create painful triggers for betrayed partners, who know both the admirable qualities others see and the secret story of betrayal they carry. For partners, hearing “he’s such a great guy” can feel invalidating and isolating, as if the hidden wounds don’t matter. They may wonder if they are the problem for feeling hurt, and at times, even face gaslighting from addicts who deflect or minimize their concerns.

The tension lies in the gap between public image and private reality. Using the metaphor of a “secret sexual basement,” we see how the addict’s public face often draws praise while the partner alone carries knowledge of the hidden side. Navigating this dynamic requires careful balance—between authenticity and discretion, between validating the partner’s pain and protecting privacy, and between acknowledging progress while still honoring past harm.

Ultimately, recovery means choosing empathy and proactivity. Addicts can lead by checking in with their partners after triggering moments, acknowledging how compliments might sting, and creating space for open dialogue. Couples together can decide what level of transparency feels safe, remembering that disclosure is not a solo act but a shared journey. When both partners embrace authenticity with compassion, they can integrate the painful past with a healthier present and move forward stronger together.

For a full transcript of this podcast in article format, go to: Everyone Thinks He's Great . . . But They Don't Know the Whole Story!

Learn more about Mark and Steve's revolutionary online porn/sexual addiction recovery and betrayal trauma healing program at—daretoconnectnow.com

Find out more about Steve Moore at: Ascension Counseling

Learn more about Mark Kastleman at: Reclaim Counseling Services

When a partner reaches the heartbreaking point of saying, “I love him, but I feel I’m losing myself,” the question of staying or leaving becomes urgent. After 21 years of repeated betrayal, secrecy, and broken promises, one woman wonders how long she can endure the cycle. This PBSE episode (#296) unpacks that struggle, emphasizing that being lured back by charm is not weakness but love—and also highlighting how charm without change is manipulation and emotional abuse.

We examine the addict’s cycle of secrecy, discovery, promises, and relapse, and show how it traps both partners in a destructive spin. From the partner’s perspective, the cost of staying has shifted from compromise to self-abandonment. Using analogies like a failing business merger or an overdrawn bank account, we frame the critical question: at what point does loyalty become losing yourself? The markers include lack of honesty, no accountability, and the erasure of authentic identity.

Ultimately, partners must find clarity through boundaries, safe support, and honest reflection. Journaling, support groups, and evaluating whether growth or disappearance defines the relationship can provide direction. While ending a marriage is always a tragedy, the greater tragedy is staying in one where you are erased. The message is clear: you are worth safety, truth, and love—whether inside this relationship or beyond it.

For a full transcript of this podcast in article format, go to: When Loving Him Means Losing Me—Do I Stay or Go?!

Learn more about Mark and Steve's revolutionary online porn/sexual addiction recovery and betrayal trauma healing program at—daretoconnectnow.com

Find out more about Steve Moore at: Ascension Counseling

Learn more about Mark Kastleman at: Reclaim Counseling Services