Is the abuse of pets and destruction of property considered domestic violence? I would argue that it is. In this episode I discuss the characteristics of abuse that include using kids, pets, and property to control or manipulate a situation, emotions, or another person. For a full list of references, please visit my blog:

Moments with Meghan
https://meghantschida2021.wixsite.com/my-site

Please remember- You're not crazy, you're not alone, you deserve healthy love, and you're safe here.

Spiritual abuse is a complicated topic because everyone's religious beliefs are different, everyone typically thinks that their beliefs are the correct ones, and many, many abuse survivors have had religion used against them at some point, either by their abuser or as secondary abuse (sometimes referred to as double abuse) by their church or families. Often, the victim ends up leaving the church altogether due to this abuse.

In their book Escaping the Maze of Spiritual Abuse, Dr. Lisa Oakley and Justin Humphreys define spiritual abuse as "A form of emotional and psychological abuse. It is characterized by systematic pattern of coercive and controlling behavior in a religious context." They also state that "Spiritual abuse can have a deeply damaging impact on those who experience it."

There are entire podcasts, blogs, and foundations devoted just to the topic of religious abuse, but for our purposes, I will discuss the markers of spiritual abuse within an abusive relationship that are listed in Sarah McDougal's Red Flags chart. Many of the examples come from the Patrick Weaver Ministries Facebook Page. Please keep in mind that these 'half truths, untruths and/or false applications of scripture' are used to coerce and abuse. While some of these statements may seem true within the scope of a healthy relationship, they absolutely do not apply to an abusive one.

For a written out list of the explanations, examples, and resource list, please hop over to my blog for the full list.

https://meghantschida2021.wixsite.com/my-site

Do you know someone who's so difficult to disagree with that it's just a waste of time? Do you find yourself agreeing just so that you don't have to argue, even if you know you're in the right? Or, do they have a reputation of 'always being right' to a point where it's just easier to agree? This is not ok. This is not normal. In an intimate relationship, this is abuse.

Intellectual Abuse can be defined as an overall disrespect for another's intellectual interests, talent, way of thinking, or learning styles. This goes beyond just disagreeing with someone's ideas or having a different worldview. Remember, when we're talking abuse, we're talking a pattern of behavior that belittles, demeans, or shifts the power/control dynamic between partners.

This particular series of podcasts is my own experience with abuse. The definitions and characteristics that I use are drawn from the Power and Control Wheel, specifically Sarah McDougal's version.

Some indicators of intellectual abuse include:
--Demanding perfection
(Can look like........Nothing can ever be right, nit-picking tasks, ideas, texts, or communication)

--Insists on proof of your right to opinions
(Can sound like......'Prove it,' 'Who says?' 'Who do you think you are? 'You think you're smarter than everyone else now?' 'You're just saying that because so-and-so thinks that') This is a tricky one because often disagreements involve asking for authority or validity to support opinions; this is normal. What's not normal, is belittling someone's opinions or not even allowing for someone else to even have an opinion. It's an attitude that everyone else is wrong, their opinion is right, and there's really no room for argument.

--Insults intellect, education level, or ability to think
(For me, this sounded like 'Well, I don't have a fancy Master's Degree like you.' In public, he would brag about how smart I am and how educated I am, but in private, I would be called a 'lazy banker's daughter' who had no right to an opinion, no intellectual value, or ability to think independently.)

--Dumbs victim down
(Can sound like......'Even you have to agree that xyz is wrong' 'Wouldn't you agree that you're not the best decision maker?' 'Just because you have a *insert education or training* doesn't mean you know everything.')

--Intimidated by your mind
(Can sound like........'I guess I'm just not as smart as you.' Can also look like a refusal to talk about anything that could have multiple interpretations.)

--Refuses to allow you to disagree
(This is where arguing is pointless. They're always right and there's no room for discussion. Ideas are never addressed - only superficial topics because those are subject to the abuser's final opinion. Black and white thinking and circular logic helps to accomplish this.)

--Invalidates others if they point out abuse
(Can sound like......'they just think they're better than us.' 'They have no idea what they're talking about.' 'Who do they think they are to talk like that?' 'Even you'd have to agree that so-and-so is a hothead.')

When researching intellectual abuse, the internet grouped it into emotional, psychological, and spiritual abuse rather than intellectual abuse in itself. My next episode will be on spiritual abuse, but for now this gives some clarity as to what intellectual abuse sounds, feels, and looks like.

As always, you're not crazy, you're not alone, you deserve healthy love, and you're safe here.

Social Abuse is easy to see in public when one partner is berating or humiliating the other in front of their friends, co-workers or family. But what about at home? Behind closed doors? What does it look like to weaponize social relationships?

Is spending time with your friends and/or family more of a hassle than it's worth? That was my experience.

Some markers of social abuse include the following:
--Monitors communication (phone, email, text)
(Can look like......They will bring up conversations that you had with your friends and family that you haven't had with your partner. You will be called to task about things you haven't mentioned or websites you've visited when not in their presence. This means they're in your phone and email and reading your conversations.)

--Tracks social media
(Can look like......Questions you about contacts, followers, content, and makes sure you know that they know.)

--Monitors mileage
(Can sound like....."Wow - 100 miles this week - you must have gone a few extra places today. Where were you?" or "You need gas again? What extra stops have you been making?")

--Discourages friendships and/or relationships with family
(This can especially be the case if those friends/family members are noticing mistreatment or calling to your attention the bad behavior of others. The abusive partner sees this as a threat to their way of being and will try to discourage, make you doubt, or otherwise turn on previous friends or family.)

--Dictates freedom to education/employment
(Discourages you from finishing your degree, education, class, etc. Makes you stay home to raise the kids, homeschool, or turns it to a "pampering" situation in which you "don't have to work" because they make enough money. But that comes with control.)

--Keeps victim at home
(Going out with friends is discouraged. Leaving the house to workout or take a fun class is discouraged. Solo trips are forbidden. Independence is discouraged.)

The biggest way this showed up for me was in the triangulation when my abuser consistently pitted me against friends and family. Constant questioning. Constant interrogations about what we talked about and what that person thought about him. It was all a threat, all a fight, and honestly it just ended up easier to not do the things than to have to hear about it and defend, justify, or reassure him every time I spent any time whatsoever with someone else, friends or family.

If any of this sounds familiar, I encourage you to get curious and dig in a little. Here's some resources for your journey. As always, you're not crazy, you're not alone, you deserve healthy love, and you're safe here.

Here’s the power and control wheel and red flags charts that I reference in this and other episodes.

Simple Steps to Phone Security / DV Resource Guide

What Is Social Abuse? Recognizing the Signs

I Didn't Know It Was Abuse

You Might Be In An Abusive Relationship If...*

Have you ever wondered if it's abuse

After a relapse that included complete stalling and avoidance due to perfectionism, I am back to share the markers of Emotional Abuse. Remember, abuse is not one red flag or one harmful event. It is a pattern over time that aims to control and coerce.

If you're like me, maybe you didn't even know. Nothing made sense until I was ready to learn but then once I did, I just couldn't unsee it. Check out this article on the Wilderness to Wild website where Coach Sarah McDougal talks about her own journey of not knowing. She says, "I honestly didn't know it was abuse." Same, girl.

Emotional Abuse IS abuse, and includes the following:
-Invalidating your perception of reality (also Gaslighting, which we talked about in the Psychological Abuse episode.)
-Insults, then says, "I'm joking, can't you take a joke, calm down!" etc.
-Denies affection, goes silent (Some call this Stonewalling or the Silent Treatment)
-Manipulates with false guilt
"Well if I was important enough, you would have done ____"
"If you really loved me you would ______"
-Flips arguments back on the victim
-Acts possessive, calling it "protective"
"What were you so busy doing that you couldn't answer my call?"
"Why are you ignoring my texts? (after three seconds of being unopened)
-Vacillates - creates relationship roller-coaster ("Maybe we should just get a divorce," followed by apologies and love bombs and promises of forever romance)

For clarifying definitions of emotional abuse, signs, and symptoms, check out Psych Central's article here, which gives a great rundown as well.

I referenced it in the last episode, but I'm linking Mother Gothel's quintessential portrayal of Gaslighting in Disney's 'Tangled.' Check out this YouTube video that breaks it down perfectly.

Thanks for listening and remember, you're not crazy, you deserve healthy love, and you're safe here.

Here’s the power and control wheel and red flags charts that I reference in this and other episodes. If you or a loved one are experiencing abuse, or even questioning if what you are experiencing is normal, I encourage you to check out these resources.

I Didn't Know It Was Abuse

Are You Experiencing Emotional Abuse and Not Aware of It?

You Might Be In An Abusive Relationship If...*

Have you ever wondered if it's abuse or just... "Marriage is hard, right? Mine is Exhibit A!"

Psychological abuse. It's a beast. It's confusing. It's a mind fuck. Here are some indicators and what they sound like:
-does things, denies it later (GASLIGHTING)
("What do you mean? I didn't do that. You're remembering it wrong.")
-terrorizes, then acts like nothing happened
(Throws a big fit about this or that, throws things, intimidates, threatens, and then 10 minutes after the fight acts like everything is business as usual.)
-projects responsibility
("I wouldn't have to be so _____ if you weren't so _____." "I wouldn't drink if you weren't such a nag or the kids weren't so loud.")
-displays weapons to scare you
-convinces you they know better than you do
("That's not what happened. You know I have a better memory than you.")
-controls minute aspects of victim's life - food, fun, friend, etc.
(What to wear, hair color, who to talk to, when to be home, what to eat....)
-Threatens to hurt or kill themselves or others
(Also passive suicidal ideation when they feel hurt by you or others; "The world would be better without me. Nobody would miss me.")

Each one of these could really have their own episode, especially Gaslighting. That might be a future episode in itself, but if you're interested in what Gaslighting looks like you can find a perfect example in Disney's 'Tangled.' Mother Gothel is a pro and this YouTube video breaks it down perfectly.
Thanks for listening.

Here’s the power and control wheel and red flags charts that I reference in this and other episodes. If you or a loved one are experiencing abuse, or even questioning if what you are experiencing is normal, I encourage you to check out these resources.

You Might Be In An Abusive Relationship If...*

Have you ever wondered if it's abuse or just... "Marriage is hard, right? Mine is Exhibit A!"

What does physical abuse look like when you have no bruises to show as proof?

I've really had to grow my thought patterns around the topic of physical abuse. First I denied it. Then I excused it. Then I recognized it. Now I'm processing it. This is most commonly what my dialogue used to sound like:
1. But he never hit me.
2. It could be worse.
3. Other women are actually getting beat. I'm not, so it can't be that bad right?

Listen to find out what physical abuse looks like when it's not leaving bruises.

Resources:
No Visible Bruises by Rachel Louise Snyder

Articles by Sarah McDougal:
What Does Domestic Violence Actually Look Like?
You Might Be In An Abusive Relationship If...*

YouTube Playlist:
Systems of Abuse

Comprehensive Resource List:
Advocate+Survivor Resource List | WILD's Fave Everything

National DV Hotline: 1-800-799-SAFE

In this episode I share what verbal abuse is, what that looked like for me, and how different things are now compared to what I experienced. One of these times I’ll get the timing right so it doesn’t cut off. Still learning here.

Here’s the power and control wheel and red flags charts that I refer to in this episode. If you or a loved one are experiencing abuse, or even questioning if what you are experiencing is normal, I encourage you to check out these resources.

You Might Be In An Abusive Relationship If...*

Have you ever wondered if it's abuse or just... "Marriage is hard, right? Mine is Exhibit A!"