Have you ever heard the saying, “Couples who play together, stay together”? 

In our experience working with couples and singles for many years, there is definitely truth to this saying. 

We’ve found that people who play are healthier and more fulfilled in life in general. Couples that play and laugh together have fewer fights. Couples who play and have fun are often more relaxed and creative in bed! Singles that play are happier, more fulfilled and more likely to create connections with others. 

Play is a way to connect beyond words. Play, fun and laughter is a common language we all share. 

On the flipside, play and “chill time” is the first thing to go out the window when we get stressed. 

Can you relate to that? When you're stressed and maxed out, do you turn to play or is that the last thing on your mind? 

We talk to a lot of couples and individuals who during the elevated stress and challenges of Covid times simply forget about playing and relaxing. And it takes a toll.

As an example, I’ve been coaching two different couples recently. Both couples have similar circumstances. Both couples consist of two full-time working-from-home adults, and both couples have two young children who needs full-time care and both families are stuck inside their houses due to Covid and West Coast wild fires. It’s a challenging time for all of them, to say the least. 

One of these couples is doing pretty great. Despite the elevated stress and huge demands on their time, they work together as a team and make sure to stay in communication and stay in love. 

The other couple is spiraling downwards in anger, stress, arguing and lack of alignment. They’re barely keeping it together. 

There are of course a lot of factors impacting this situation, too many to cover here. But one of the crucial elements of the first couple’s success is that they still find time to play and relax, while the other couple doesn’t manage to find the time or space to play. Which means they never get a break from the stress and disconnection, which in turn wears them down. 

For that reason alone, it’s even more essential to find times and ways to play when you’re stressed. 

Check our blog post for a long list of practical simple ideas for having fun and relaxing: https://loveworkssolution.com/blog/having-fun-in-relationship

About LoveWorks: The LoveWorks Solution is a practical and positive approach to marriage, relationship, intimacy, communication, and dating. 

LoveWorks offers private coaching and relationship counseling to couples and singles, from anywhere in the world; as well as online and live workshops for couples and singles. 

The LoveWorks Solution has saved marriages and helped singles find love, plus helped thousands of couples and singles deal with complex problems that arise in relationships, such as communication breakdowns, trust in relationships, insecurities in relationship, toxic relationship, emotionally unavailable men or women, deepening intimacy, finding the right partner, dating, and many, many more. 

LoveWorks is founded by Sonika Tinker, MSW & Christian Pedersen, CLC, who have 35+ years of experience coaching and educating about relationships. They designed The LoveWorks Solution to be practical, applicable, fun and light-hearted, demonstrating that deep relationship work can be done in a positive way while having a good time. 

* Connect on Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/Loveworkssolution

* Get free relationship tips and advice on on topics such as toxic relationships, building trust in a relationship, creating intimacy in a relationship, how to deal with an emotionally unavailable partner, and many more on https://loveworkssolution.com/

What do you do if you’re getting married but at the same time scared to get married? 

I remember we once coached a young couple who came to us 4-5 months prior to their already scheduled wedding. They came to us because she in particular was getting very cold feet about getting married. They both still had questions they felt weren’t answered and issues they were worried about getting worse if they did go through with the marriage. 

If that’s you, here’s the first thing we’d tell you: Don’t feel bad if you’re feeling scared or having concerns. Getting married is a big deal, so don’t make up that there’s something wrong with you, your spouse-to-be or your relationship. 

In fact, having “second thoughts”, i.e. some form of fear or concerns can lead to important discoveries that can end up improving your upcoming marriage (or in some cases, stopping you from getting married to a partner who’s not the best match for you). 

So for starters, examine what exactly you’re scared of or concerned about. Is it about …  

- Marriage itself (the whole idea of marriage)?  - Hesitation about your partner or your partner’s personality?  - Unspoken concerns about your partner’s behaviors - Concerns about breakdown’s you’ve had in the past, or unresolved issues?  - Or something else? 

Whatever your specific concerns are, you want to take a look at those. 

Commitment is great and admirable, but it’s also worth listening to your fears and hesitations before you commit. To this day, Sonika & I have an operating agreement that we don’t move forward with any significant changes in our lives before we’re both on the same page about it. Getting married definitely falls into the category of “significant changes”, so take the time to examine this. 

Another perspective on commitment is that you’re not just committing to your future spouse, but to yourself and your own ability to deal with what comes up. You’re in effect saying to yourself, “I trust that I and we will be able to handle any conflict and difficulty that shows up on in our relationship and our life”.

If for some reason, you’re not ready to make that commitment, you want to know why. 

To get more specific, ask yourself this question: 

“What would I need to see change - with my partner, myself and/or our relationship - for me to enthusiastically say YES to marriage?”

For example, some of the couples we’ve coached answered this question like this … 

- I need us to work out our financial agreements and how we deal with money - We need to figure out how to deal with conflicts - I need to speak up about my partner’s withdrawal  - We love each other, but our sex life isn’t working well … we need to talk about that 

Each of your answers to this question will be an item on your to-look-at-list. Once you have that list, reach out to us for coaching, or use a friend or trusted mentor if you need more help. Whatever you do, don’t just ignore your concerns and blow right past them.

Having fears and concerns about getting married is just like any other fear or concern that will show up in your marriage? As a couple, how would you like to see you deal with conflicts, fears, and concerns? Do you want you to ignore them and not say anything? Or do you want to have a relationship where you can safely share your concerns and help each other find solutions and peace of mind? 

I’m guessing the latter. And that process starts right now, not after your tie the knot.

PS. If what you need to work includes making apologies for past breakdowns, check out our mini-workshop for couples, How To Make An Apology That Works: https://loveworkssolution.com/how-to-make-an-apology-that-works 

What do you do when your wife or husband tells you they want a divorce? 

Given that divorce rates in the US are still between 40-50 % for first marriages, and higher still for  second and third ones, If we get married at any point in our lives, there’s pretty much a 50-50 chance we’ll hear those words from our spouse. 

Perhaps you’ve seen it coming.

Perhaps you’ve seen and experienced the telltale signs of a marriage breaking down for years, such as arguing, criticism, contempt, silent treatment, lack of intimacy, declining frequency of sex, or the feeling of being room mates who go about your day-to-day business efficiently but without the depth and romance of lovers. 

On the other hand, you might not have seen it coming at all, and when your wife or husband told you they want a divorce, it hit you like a knife in the heart and you could scarcely believe your own ears. 

Either way, it’s a painful place to be and what you and your partner choose to do with that situation will have long-lasting consequences that will impact both of you and any children you have. 

In this episode, we’re not trying to cover every aspect of impending divorce. It’s a process that requires careful attention and competent guidance. We do want to share some useful insight and tips that will hopefully help you as you move forward. 

When your spouse says the D-word, you can’t yet know where the process is going to end. It’s natural that you’ll be very eager, even desperate, to answer all the associated questions such as, are we going to divorce or make it; how are we going to tell the kids; where are the kids going to live and go to school; who gets the house; how am I going to deal with finances; what about the retirement accounts, and many more. 

If you were surprised by your wife or husband  declaring they want a divorce, remember that they have a long time to think and process before saying something to you. It’s as if they have a month or year-long head start over you in the process. So it’s natural and totally understandable if you too are going to need some time to process the news. 

Listen to she 7-minute episode for the rest of the tips (or watch the video version here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SZO4VuhREvc

One of the central tips in this video is to offer/share apologies with your wife or partner. Saying "I'm sorry" is never sufficient, sometimes even worse than nothing. 

To learn a complete 6-step apology, visit our virtual mini-workshop for couples, How To Make An Apology That Works, here: https://loveworkssolution.com/how-to-make-an-apology-that-works