I really wanted to make shorter episodes for you guys, but this episode really needed the length to explain each issue of fear, trauma, addiction, attachment, toxic relationships, and familiar family dynamics, while also bridging the gap between them to illustrate how they are each so intimately connected. Often times, we see we have issues, but don't see how they are often the same issues just interconnected with one another. In order to untangle the web, I first discuss emotional regulation & what it is before getting into how our ability or inability to regulate dictate almost everything we do in our lives. Afterall, emotions are out greatest motivators for our actions, and if we don't know ow to regulate, we can see everything in our lives crumble & breakdown. However, there is hope. By looking back into our family dynamics, we can easily trace what went awry. I talk about how all of these family dynamics affect our brain and subsequent emotional wiring & how that wiring then interacts with other people's wiring on a relational level. While this episode was originally inspired by a friend, it quickly became something that was obvious I needed to work on. I talk in depth about a situationship that hurt me deeply, but finally brought me our of my co-dependent ways and into more independent self-regulation. I had no idea this was the missing piece that would literally change everything for me! I truly believe mastering emotionally regulation & understanding how deep it goes into our lives is the key to finally have a successful relationship with yourself, others, and in everything you will do in your future.

Ever date someone you didn’t really think you’d like and then all of a sudden you find yourself pining after them like, “why they don’t like me anymore? Why does no one ever care about me?” Have you ever really asked yourself - before the attachment - happened if you ever even wanted them? Maybe, but your craving for that love and validation that seems to be lost is so deep that you can’t see the light? This was the story of my life. I loved one person, but in between that I dated out of need - to help me “move on” or take my mind off another before them. I dated to pass time, to fill a hole in my life, to feel better about a life I didn’t like - I just wanted an escape, someone fun to pass time, but then it was always me who seemed to get attached. They provided the escape I wanted, but then started pulling away. By then I was left feeling even more shitty than I felt before I’d met them. I’d conclude, I was just unloveable and everyone would always leave me. No one would ever love me - that is until my thoughts and inner monologue were interrupted by meeting the girl I speak about in episode 18. I started to think - is this really true? What if I changed my thoughts and actions and put it all to the test? That’s exactly what I did here in my little roster experiment - my experience in intentionally dating 15 different guys - with no physical contact. This isn’t a formal episode - just a little blurb about what I did, how I approached, and what I found. This post is both verbal blurb and written blurb to enjoy in whichever medium you prefer. All I can say is this was a much better approach than any of my other previous experiences, and the change in how I was treated all began with how I was treating myself.

I know I promised a "little learnings" on ego-defensive behavior, but life took some unexpected turns. In this episode, I talk about the strange turn of events over the past 3 months that diverted my attention from examining other people's behaviors to taking a deeper look at myself. I discuss how my previous dark intermissions episode really highlighted a narrative about my inner world that needed changing. However, none of this examination would have happened if it wasn't for a little divine intervention - a chance encounter in my small town. Little did I know meeting this girl would cause me to re-examine everything I was doing in relationships, especially when it came to my core beliefs and how those beliefs translated to how I was treated by others. The perfect timing of all these events felt so divinely orchestrated that it could only reaffirm my faith in the higher power that is God. Puerto Rico, Dominican Republic, and Trinidad served as the unwanted, but necessary backdrop of me reclaiming my inner power. Upon coming home, I put all my new knowledge to the test by creating a roster of dates, which I report my extraordinary findings in this episode. Nevertheless, my new discoverings were further put to the test in my trip to Texas, solidifying everything I learned about truth and the divine hand that was on my life. If you are stuck in a familiar self-defeating monologue, unable to break out and see the light - this episode is for you! For when you know the truth, the truth will set you free.