In this episode, Scott Brassart discusses the addictive nature of sex and pornography, and how these addictions create dysregulation in the dopamine rewards system. Scott and Tami also answer participant questions about the difference between habits and addictions and timelines in recovery.

TAKEAWAYS:

[1:10] The dopamine system craves rewards and pleasure.

[3:41] The danger of manipulating the dopamine system with addictions.

[6:13] Sexual fantasy delivers a high that is much cheaper than drugs, but just as dangerous.

[6:47] As a self-adjusting and self-healing organ, the brain senses when things are going wrong, but addicts respond by consuming even more.

[10:15] The downregulated brain will always win when chasing a higher high.

[15:26] How long does it take to reset a dysregulated dopamine system?

[16:12] Rerouting the pathways that addiction creates in our brains.

[19:05] Addicts are so focused on acting out that they aren’t paying attention to what they’re missing out on.

[21:51] People who pass the one year mark are much likelier to stay sober for the rest of their lives.

[23:18] Does the brain magically reset?

[24:01] Can sex addicts actually change?

[27:01] My addict husband doesn’t have any problem performing multiple times a day, how is that even possible?

[27:53] Why do I continue to lie to my partner when I know it’s causing her pain?

[32:35] My addictions and ADHD medication have dysregulated my system. What are my options?

[34:11] How can my partner keep relapsing when he promises me he won’t?

[39:36] How can I help my partner who is on the spectrum?

[40:25] How long does someone need sobriety before they can work on trauma?

[44:26] Can we incorporate specific sex acts into our relationship during recovery?

RESOURCES:

Seekingintegrity.com

Email Tami: Tami@Seekingintegrity.com

Sexandrelationshiphealing.com

Intherooms.com

Out of the Doghouse: A Step-by-Step Relationship-Saving Guide for Men Caught Cheating, by Robert Weiss

Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency, by Robert Weiss

Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction, by Robert Weiss

Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men, by Robert Weiss

Seeking Integrity Podcasts are produced in partnership with Podfly Productions.

QUOTES

• “There’s a reason we have a dopamine system. It’s part of our survival.”

• “The problem with addictions is that we can manipulate the dopamine system.”

• “For addicts, it’s much more about the hunt than the actual sex act.”

• “We have created a chemical imbalance in our brain through our addictions.”

• “Addicts are so focused on acting out that we’re not paying attention to what we’re missing out on.”

• “Once my brain reset I had no interest in going back to the misery.”

• “Addicts chase pleasure as a way of really avoiding pain.”

Mark Anthony Lord joins Tami to discuss the value of building a better Higher Power relationship, and why that can be a key to lasting recovery. He shares his personal addiction recovery experience, the joy he feels from being alive today, and how he was led to create the 12-Step Church.

TAKEAWAYS:

[1:32] Sex and drugs recovery was the impetus for Mark’s spiritual path.

[4:47] Learning how to forgive is a critical component of effective healing.

[6:45] Church can be a place of gathering, healing and community.

[12:55] 12-Step Church offers connection and celebration in recovery.

[16:45] Recovering addicts deserve more than just being sober, we deserve to be happy and alive on purpose.

[22:48] Details for joining a weekly meeting with 12-Step Church.

[27:01] Addictions of all kinds are addressed at 12-Step Church.

[31:03] How am I still alive? The miracle of life after addiction.

RESOURCES:

Seekingintegrity.com

Email Tami: Tami@Seekingintegrity.com

Sexandrelationshiphealing.com

Intherooms.com

Out of the Doghouse: A Step-by-Step Relationship-Saving Guide for Men Caught Cheating, by Robert Weiss

Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency, by Robert Weiss

Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction, by Robert Weiss

Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men, by Robert Weiss

Seeking Integrity Podcasts are produced in partnership with Podfly Productions.

QUOTES

• “My entire life took a completely different path because of one little moment.”

• “There’s always a number of people in recovery in the room at church, but the room wasn’t always designed for them.”

• “Wherever you are on this journey, that’s exactly where you’re supposed to be.”

• “We all deserve not only to be sober but to be happy.”

In this weekly Sex and Intimacy Q&A, Erin Snow answers participant questions about fetishes and triggers – what they are, where they come from, and what they really mean about a person’s sexuality and the likelihood of successful recovery. She also offers resources and actions betrayed partners can employ to empower themselves while they offer support to their addicted partner.

TAKEAWAYS:

[:56] My husband’s fantasy about my sister underlines his addiction to non-consenting victims.

[4:00] All humans fantasize. That doesn’t make all behaviors acceptable.

[8:00] Do fetishes get more intense from watching porn?

[10:01] Can we incorporate healthy fetishes into our sex life?

[12:47] Is my fetish a sex addiction?

[15:13] What happened in my childhood that led to my fetish?

[20:20] My husband is defensive about watching teen porn. How can I keep myself and our children safe?

[26:29] I think my partner is protecting his addiction, he says I’m crazy. How can I protect myself?

[32:10] I’m going crazy waiting for my partner’s disclosure. What can I do to empower myself in this process?

[38:25] My partner is watching barely-legal porn. What does his fantasy say about our reality?

[45:13] What actions reduce intimacy? My partner doesn’t recognize all of the ways that I’m trying to connect with her.

[50:13] My partner has been lying about his recovery group. How can I reset clear boundaries?

[52:02] My partner never follows through with his safety plan and is relapsing again. I think I’m done, but where do I go from here?

[57:10] My partner’s CSAT causally diagnosed me in their session. Now what?

RESOURCES:

Seekingintegrity.com

Email Tami: Tami@Seekingintegrity.com

Sexandrelationshiphealing.com

Intherooms.com

Out of the Doghouse: A Step-by-Step Relationship-Saving Guide for Men Caught Cheating, by Robert Weiss

Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency, by Robert Weiss

Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction, by Robert Weiss

Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men, by Robert Weiss

Seeking Integrity Podcasts are produced in partnership with Podfly Productions.

QUOTES

• “Fetishes are not going anywhere. It’s part of your arousal template.”

• “Fetishes are neither good nor bad. It’s just a question of whether you can incorporate it into your sex life.”

• “Knowing the fantasty and the why behind it is not going to solve the problem.”

• “For most of us, recovery is literally learning a new language.”

• “Fantasy life and reality are two very different things that shouldn’t be compared at all.”

• “We are not going to judge you for staying or for going. But that decision has to be yours.”

In this episode, Scott Brassart discusses the addictive nature of pornography, and why it's such a hard "drug" to quit. Scott and Tami then answer participant questions about porn addiction and recovery support for both the addict and the partner.

TAKEAWAYS:

[:30] Porn, written porn, and ‘not porn’ – all from a porn addict’s perspective.

[2:47] What makes so appealing porn to addicts?

[4:20] The two elements of pornography that make it highly addictive.

[12:45] What is happening inside your brain while watching porn?

[13:51] Porn, cocaine, and orgasm payoffs, ranked by pleasure levels.

[16:20] Why do some addicts have a physical library collection of porn?

[19:38] By escaping, porn addicts miss out on the good as well as the bad.

[24:48] Should I start using video editing apps to take away erotic content?

[27:20] What is the difference between porn addiction and compulsive porn usage?

[28:23] Is there anything healthy about sexualizing myself in a performative way?

[31:07] Is any element of porn usage healthy?

[34:12] As a sex and porn addict, is there any scenario where I could view porn in a healthy manner?

[38:30] Is sex itself ever going to be satisfying enough for my porn addict partner?

[42:13] How do I protect myself from rewiring my brain into an addict's brain?

[45:30] Is my addict partner trying to escape our marriage?

[48:58] If we have sex every night will my partner stop cheating?

[50:47] How can I be the best cheerleader to my partner through recovery?

[52:01] Is watching porn considered cheating?

[55:10] Resources that focus on grief and loss of porn addiction.

RESOURCES:

Seekingintegrity.com

Email Tami: Tami@Seekingintegrity.com

Sexandrelationshiphealing.com

Intherooms.com

Out of the Doghouse: A Step-by-Step Relationship-Saving Guide for Men Caught Cheating, by Robert Weiss

Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency, by Robert Weiss

Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction, by Robert Weiss

Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men, by Robert Weiss

Seeking Integrity Podcasts are produced in partnership with Podfly Productions.

QUOTES

• “If I’m looking at an image to get a physical arousal, it’s porn, whether somebody else would classify it as porn or not.”

• “Porn addict brains and cocaine addict brains are indistinguishable. The parts that are over and under developed look exactly the same.”

• “Addictions are not about pleasure. They’re about escape.”

• “There is nothing in a TV show that is worth me losing my recovery.”

• “There is no ‘just one’ for addicts.”

• “There is not a partner on the planet that can make their addict not act out if they’re ultimately going to.”

Dr. Eddie Capparucci and Tami discuss and answer questions about building confidence in recovery. They describe the coping strategies and layers of hurt that can be found on the pain field, and the four things that have to happen in order for a partner to successfully stay on the pain field in order to work toward recovery and healing. This session was live via SexandRelationshipHealing.com on February 21, 2024.

TAKEAWAYS:

[:30] The pain field is a place where both partners are speaking a different language.

[5:03] Emotional dysregulation happens when either partner leaves the pain field.

[7:25] Where does a partner go when they leave the pain field?

[9:10] Why should a partner want to stay on the pain field?

[11:30] Slowing everything down is the starting point for staying on the field.

[13:52] Quiet down the inner child to engage as an adult.

[15:32] Stay present and engaged, then identify the pain point.

[20:32] If you see your spouse moving off the pain field, tell them.

[24:00] The ultimate goal is reconciliation. Getting there will be a process.

[27:36] If a man is getting flooded, he needs to take a break.

[32:41] My spouse has a pattern of accidentally physically hurting me or my possessions, is this unconscious resentment?

[37:04] If my spouse needs to take a break, why doesn’t he just say so?

[38:12] We just got back together and now I’m experiencing abandonment trauma. What should I be focusing on to feel healthy?

[41:43] How can I be more attune to my wife’s wishes?

[45:20] How important is it that the betrayer be on the pain field?

[48:00] What does Dr. Eddie which he had known early in his recovery?

[49:34] My wife gets triggered when I don’t check in with her. Is this normal in recovery?

[51:45] How can I quiet my inner child if I don’t believe it’s real?

[53:45] My husband doesn’t think he’s dealing with addiction. How can we navigate recovery?

RESOURCES:

Seekingintegrity.com

Email Tami: Tami@Seekingintegrity.com

Sexandrelationshiphealing.com

Intherooms.com

Out of the Doghouse: A Step-by-Step Relationship-Saving Guide for Men Caught Cheating, by Robert Weiss

Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency, by Robert Weiss

Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction, by Robert Weiss

Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men, by Robert Weiss

Seeking Integrity Podcasts are produced in partnership with Podfly Productions.

QUOTES

• “We’re not going to do anything perfectly, but if we’re willing, we stand a chance.”

• “You have to quiet the inner child before the emotions begin to ramp up.”

• “If you’re not engaged you may as well be on another field.”

• “Your infidelity is the cause, but not the core of your spouse’s pain.”

• “If your partner is totally deflated and depleted, you’re not going to get what you’re looking for. You’re going to get just the opposite.”

Debbie McRae takes on a word that she hears daily in her practice – gaslighting. Why do sex and porn addicts gaslight, and what can their partners do about it? This webinar covers what exactly gaslighting is, what purpose it serves, what it might sound like, and what you can do about it.

TAKEAWAYS:

[:30] Gaslighting is a term that Debbie McRae hears every single day in her practice.

[1:21] Simple and clinical definitions of gaslighting and common dialogue used in gaslighting.

[5:13] Acknowledgement of the seriousness of an addiction means the addict would have to do something about it.

[6:19] Gaslighting partners are trying to avoid facing reality and avoid confrontation.

[8:01] Increased defensiveness and denial are common signs of gaslighting.

[9:10] Addicts often believe they are the exception to the rules.

[10:09] Shame and extended periods of getting away with gaslighting are common reasons addicts continue to gaslight.

[11:25] Gaslighters have a style – the intimidator, the good guy, and the glamor gaslighter.

[15:24] DARVO – deny, attack, reverse the victim and offender – aims to shift the blame off the addict.

[16:35] The danger of minimizing rather than validating, withholding, countering, diverting and discrediting, deflection and distraction, and stereotypical labeling.

[22:49] Using loving words and rewriting history are confusing ways to manipulate a hurt partner.

[24:30] How can you stop the gaslighting as an addict?

[28:18] What can the betrayed partner do about gaslighting?

[34:50] The importance of focusing on your own recovery.

[38:01] Is it normal that my spouse won’t even talk to me about his porn addiction?

[44:21] How much responsibility do I need to take for my addict partner’s behavior?

[48:35] Why does my partner blame me when I am blindsided by his behavior?

[52:44] How can I identify real abuse versus the mental illness that is adding to the issues?

[55:00] How can I handle my partner’s passive aggressive behavior?

RESOURCES:

Seekingintegrity.com

Email Tami: Tami@Seekingintegrity.com

Sexandrelationshiphealing.com

Intherooms.com

Out of the Doghouse: A Step-by-Step Relationship-Saving Guide for Men Caught Cheating, by Robert Weiss

Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency, by Robert Weiss

Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction, by Robert Weiss

Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men, by Robert Weiss

Seeking Integrity Podcasts are produced in partnership with Podfly Productions.

QUOTES

• “Gaslighting is a power trip. People gaslight because it gives them power.”

• “Gaslighting keeps the betrayed partner constantly on their toes and on high alert.”

• “Gaslighting can be really hard for the betrayed partner to identify.”

• “Betrayed partners have superior memories because they are connected to the prefrontal cortex.”

• “If you are a liar, know that you are a gaslighter and you have to be honest with yourself.”

Dr. Rob and Tami discuss some of the most common questions about relapse, including triggers, timing, and mental health considerations. They also address questions about fairness in affairs, the role of grief in recovery and healing, and when it’s time to stop worrying about your partner and start loving yourself.

TAKEAWAYS:

[:30] My partner started dating after our divorce, and now we are back together. Was she cheating?

[8:15] Resources for couples who don’t know how to move beyond the pain.

[11:10] Useful tools for those facing relapse.

[13:20] Handling the triggers that are associated with relapse and entitlement.

[18:24] If I am constantly objectifying or moving into fantasy about someone else, does that mean I’m slipping?

[24:17] Learning to function in reality is the work of recovery.

[26:24] Create a plan when you find yourself headed back toward acting out.

[30:28] The four most dangerous words for an addict – “I can handle it.”

[30:50] Am I stuck in victim mode like my spouse says I am?

[37:00] Empathy and compassion is central to recovery. When that is lacking there is a great chance that the addicted partner is relapsing.

[38:50] My husband has been plotting his back-ups, including with my sister. Where do I go from here?

[42:25] My husband is attracted to my female therapist. What should I do about it?

[48:05] My partner had an eight-year affair. Does he love her more than me?

RESOURCES:

Seekingintegrity.com

Email Tami: Tami@Seekingintegrity.com

Sexandrelationshiphealing.com

Intherooms.com

Out of the Doghouse: A Step-by-Step Relationship-Saving Guide for Men Caught Cheating, by Robert Weiss

Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency, by Robert Weiss

Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction, by Robert Weiss

Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men, by Robert Weiss

Seeking Integrity Podcasts are produced in partnership with Podfly Productions.

QUOTES

• “What your wife did while you were divorced is not your problem. Your problem is how can we have clarity and new commitments moving forward.”

• “Relapse doesn’t just happen at the moment that the action happen. It happens when you gave yourself permission along the way.”

• “It’s much easier to make the right decisions when you have a plan.”

• “Learning to live in reality is the work of recovery.”

• “The four most dangerous words for an addict – ‘I can handle it’.”

Every recovering addict has to face their triggers at some point. Triggers that are handled in a healthy way don’t result in regrettable behaviors, while unmanaged triggers can lead to additional pain and loss of trust. Seeking Integrity’s Scott Brassart joins Tami for a conversation about the nature of triggers and the options that addicts have when dealing with them. This session was live via SexandRelationshipHealing.com on December 20, 2023.

TAKEAWAYS:

[:30] What are triggers? What happens when they are set off?

[2:04] Internal triggers relate to feelings such as fear, shame, loneliness, and boredom.

[4:06] External triggers include arguments, visual stimuli, unstructured free time and more.

[6:04] Not all triggers are negative, but all triggers elicit a response.

[7:04] Betrayed partners are often dealing with post-traumatic triggers.

[8:10] Step number one when feeling triggered – pause and figure out what you’re feeling.

[12:05] Triggers are simply data that you can use intentionally.

[15:23] Your partner is not always the best support person to turn to.

[18:13] The importance of gratitude when facing triggers.

[19:00] Being triggered can be considered a gift.

[24:37] People trigger me – am I even fit to be a partner?

[27:15] My sleep is affected by my trauma and pain. What can I do?

[36:25] Intimacy and anger avoidance both point to trauma and underlying pain.

[43:06] How can I manage my triggered feelings about the other addicts in my husband’s recovery group?

RESOURCES:

Seekingintegrity.com

Email Tami: Tami@Seekingintegrity.com

Sexandrelationshiphealing.com

Intherooms.com

Out of the Doghouse: A Step-by-Step Relationship-Saving Guide for Men Caught Cheating, by Robert Weiss

Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency, by Robert Weiss

Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction, by Robert Weiss

Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men, by Robert Weiss

Seeking Integrity Podcasts are produced in partnership with Podfly Productions.

QUOTES

• “Triggers spin us into a cycle of something that we don’t want to be in.”

• “Triggers are normal for addicts, they’re normal for betrayed partners, they’re normal for people whose lives are perfect!”

• “All feelings are driven by needs – good feelings are met needs, bad feelings are unmet needs.”

• “Triggers lose power when they’re not rewarded.”