We’re not quite done discussing bondage and all things kinky this week as we cover a movie we guarantee you’ve never heard of. 2000’s Jill Rips (also known as Jill the Ripper or Tied Up) is such a bad movie that it defies explanation. With more fade-to-blacks than a TV show, this thing isn’t just poorly made – it’s boring too. But what isn’t boring is our episode. So suit up in your favorite latex costume and grab a Boston cream donut to listen to us talk all about this abysmal film. Plus the iOS-Dolph Lundgren conspiracy, the worst codeword to use in a sex club, the special joke hidden in Dustin’s envelope, and a lot more are all discussed in less than the runtime of the film.

Jill Rips (aka Jill the Ripper aka Tied Up) stars Dolph Lundgren and Danielle Brett. Directed by Anthony Hickox.

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Valentine’s Day is this week – a special time of year where couples and crushes come together to celebrate their romance with one another. But one couple will be doing no such thing. Anastasia Steele and Christian Grey (totally real names) have some problems they need to work on (but they won’t.) Make no mistake: Fifty Shades of Grey is a terrible movie, and we’re here to tell you why. So grab your floggers and spread wide cause this episode we’re getting real sexy as we discuss everything from “secret” jeans to nanobot sex toys and even the unmistakable scent of ovulation. Oh yeah, it’s that kind of episode. All of that and a lot more with returning guest Brian Cottington of The Cinema Psychos Show.

You can check out The Cinema Psychos Show on Apple Podcasts or wherever get your podcasts.

Fifty Shades of Grey stars Marcia Gay Harden, Jamie Dornan, Rita Ora, Dakota Johnson, Max Martini, Luke Grimes, Callum Keith Rennie, Victor Rasuk, Jennifer Ehle, and Eloise Mumford. Directed by Sam Taylor-Johnson.

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This week on the program we’re diving back into the world of multiverses to discuss a truly bizarre product of the aughts. Two Jet Lis, nü-metal needle drops, and a pre-bald Jason Statham all get mushed into a blender and out comes 2001’s The One. This obvious rip-off of so many other films that came before it (The Matrix as its main component) doesn’t offer much other than some incredibly laughable moments. So grab your wormhole detector and your Papa Roach CD, then kick back and listen as we discuss how Drowning Pool (temporarily) cured racism, Roger Ebert’s thoughts on Stuart Little, and, of course, that rat’s GIANT balls. All of that and more with a variant of returning guest John Houzer.

The One stars Carla Gugino, Delroy Lindo, Jet Li, and Jason Statham. Directed by James Wong.

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Bonjour! A lot has been said already about the absolute trainwreck that is Madame Web – but we still have our fair share to offer as well. Lazy performances, confusing writing, and baffling ADR are just a few aspects worth discussing in yet another god-awful entry into the now defunct Sony-verse. So join us on our trip to the Amazon with our moms as we research spiders right before we all die as we talk about Mallie’s wrap gifts from working on the film, how 9/11 led to Ellen getting canceled, and Dakota Johnson’s one weakness: opening cans. All of that and more with returning Spider-gals Brandi Dewberry and Jenn Paulemon. Au revoir!

Madame Web stars Dakota Johnson, Sydney Sweeney, Isabela Merced, Celeste O'Connor, Tahar Rahim, Mike Epps, Emma Roberts, Adam Scott, Zosia Mamet, José María Yázpik, Kerry Bishé, and Josh Drennen. Directed by S. J. Clarkson.

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We’re not quite done discussing the divide between liberals and conservatives this season, but this movie seems to be as 2020’s The Hunt has virtually nothing to say on the topic (other than having its characters shout buzzwords.) A swing and a miss from this Leftovers duo, Zobel and Lindelof managed to make a movie that’s all hype with no substance. But we still have a lot to say about this one, so take out your mouth gag and strap up as we discuss the film as well as do some classic dirtbag math, debate the guild pay for crisis actors, and ponder what it would be like if Legolas has Uzis instead of a bow. (Is anyone else getting some real Boss Baby vibes from this movie?)

The Hunt (2020) stars J. C. MacKenzie, Ethan Suplee, Macon Blair, Betty Gilpin, Emma Roberts, Hilary Swank, Justin Hartley, Ike Barinholtz, Amy Madigan, and Glenn Howerton. Directed by Craig Zobel.

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It’s the 13th of the month, and Longlegs only needs one more murder to complete his task! Will he succeed? Will Lee Harker stop him in time? Or will the devil claim another soul? Tune in this week to find out as we talk about one of the best horror films of 2024. Plus, we’ll discuss the annoyance of waiters singing happy birthday at restaurants, hotel room cuck chairs, and the most important question of all: what if Longlegs (and Mike Ehrmantraut) were on Con-Air? All of that and more if you LET US IN NOWWW!!!

Longlegs stars Maika Monroe, Nicolas Cage, Blair Underwood, Alicia Witt, and Michelle Choi-Lee. Directed by Osgood Perkins.

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It’s maybe our least favorite day of the year as we’re reminded of a truly embarrassing stain on our nation’s history, so it seems only appropriate to discuss a movie that focuses on similar themes in a microcosm. 2022’s Soft & Quiet had a release that was, unfortunately, true to its name. With that being said, we’re hoping this episode will bring more people around to this fantastic (albeit incredibly triggering and uncomfortable to watch) film. So grab a big slice of pie and a glass of $300 wine as we’re discussing the logical fallacies of the characters’ ideologies, the best Blumhouse movie, not knowing what our neighbors’ names are, and much more with returning guest Priscilla Hendry.

Soft & Quiet stars Stefanie Estes, Olivia Luccardi, Eleanore Pienta, Dana Millican, Melissa Paulo, Jon Beavers, Cissy Ly, Rebekah Wiggins, and Shannon Mahoney. Directed by Beth de Araújo.

Warning: this episode covers the topics of racism, hate crimes, sexual assault, and other acts of abuse. If you or someone you know is experiencing anything related to these acts, we encourage you to seek help. The FBI Hate Crime hotline can be reached at 1-800-CALL-FBI. You can also inform your local or state police.

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To cap off a pretty violent year, we’re talking about a pretty violent film with the mother of all death game movies – 2000’s Battle Royale. It was The Hunger Games before The Hunger Games that cemented itself as one of the most influential films of the aughts and beyond. If you still haven’t seen it, make that correction then change into your school uniform and grab your randomly assigned weapon as we’re talking about the problem with soju (it’s too good), our strategies for beating the game, the madness of the 2023 documentary The Contestant, and so much more in this jam-packed episode.

Battle Royale stars Tatsuya Fujiwara, Aki Maeda, Tarō Yamamoto, Chiaki Kuriyama, Kou Shibasaki, Masanobu Andō, and Beat Takeshi. Directed by Kinji Fukasaku.

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