As a parent or someone in a parenting role, you play a crucial role in your child’s/teen’s success. There are intentional ways to grow a healthy parent-child relationship. Teaching your child/teen to repair harm is a terrific opportunity.

Your support in growing the skill of repairing harm can help your child/teen develop social awareness -- “the ability to understand the perspectives of and empathize with others, including those from diverse backgrounds, cultures, and contexts.”^1 They’ll develop relationship skills as they learn how to mend hurt feelings in friendships or with coaches, teachers, and caregivers. They’ll also exercise responsible decision making, or “the ability to make caring and constructive choices about personal behavior and social interactions across diverse situations,” learning that their choices cause a reaction or outcome which can harm others or themselves.”^1 These skills grow your child’s/teen’s sense of responsibility, while improving your relationship.

Some parents and those in a parenting role feel that if they do not impose punishments, their child/teen will not understand that their behavior is inappropriate. When a child/teen is punished, they often feel scared, humiliated, and hurt. This overwhelming fear or hurt impacts their relationship with you while failing to teach them the appropriate constructive behavior and build a skill. Your child/teen will likely miss the lesson you want to emphasize and feel unsafe.

Punishment often leads to more poor choices. A vicious cycle begins in which a child/teen feels bad about themselves and repeats the behaviors that are expected of a “bad child.” Parents and those in a parenting role need to learn to actively support their child/teen in repairing harm to interrupt this cycle.

Children/teens ages 11-14 will naturally make mistakes, test limits, and break rules. And when they do, they only consider their impulses and desires and not how they might impact you or others. The prefrontal cortex, the part of the brain responsible for decision making and reasoning, fully develops once your child/teen is in their mid-twenties, so it is natural for children/teens to forget to pause before acting. Children/Teens require support and follow-through from parents and those in a parenting role to make things better. They need to understand that they always have another chance to repair harm. This skill is developed over time and requires a lot of practice.

Research confirms that children/teens are developing higher-order thinking skills like consequential thinking and linking cause to effect.^2 This directly impacts their school success and ability to take responsibility for their actions as they grow. Children/Teens need the guidance and support of caring adults to learn these skills.

Guidance on repairing harm can be challenging for many parents and those in a parenting role.^3 Instead of a quick, reflexive response like yelling, scolding, or punishing, repairing harm takes time, follow-through, and thoughtful consideration. Yet, it can become the most powerful teaching opportunity for your child/teen as they learn to take responsibility for their actions and understand how their choices impact others. As you utilize these teachable moments, your relationship with your child/teen will be enriched. The steps below include specific, practical strategies along with effective conversation starters.

When your eleven-year-old hides a failed test, your thirteen-year-old lies about going to a friend’s house without parental supervision, or your fourteen-year-old verbally fights with a neighbor, these situations are opportunities to provide guidance for repairing harm.

Today, in the short term, guidance for repairing harm can create

● a sense of confidence that you can help your child/teen heal hurt...

As a parent or someone in a parenting role, you play an essential role in your child’s//teen’s success. There are intentional ways to teach your child/teen to communicate well; working with them to transform disrespect is an excellent opportunity.

You can be purposeful and deliberate about how you respond when you feel your child/teen has shown disrespect through words or actions. Your child/teen may lash out with words when they feel powerless in an attempt to gain power. You must offer ways for your child/teen to gain power while expressing hurt or angry feelings in ways that demonstrate respect. Learning to respond to anger constructively requires all five social and emotional skills[1] : self-awareness, self-management, social awareness, relationship skills, and responsible decision making. Your reaction to your child/teen can help teach them constructive, healthy ways to be understood, seek and gain power, and respond to others respectfully when angry or upset.

Seeking power is a typical human need. Everyone desires control over their lives. Yet, children/teens may often feel they lack control over their circumstances, leading to frustration. One essential role parents or those in a parenting role can play is to educate their child/teen on positive ways to seek and use power. Parents or those in a parenting role often need to deal with their upset feelings, calming down before responding so that they react in ways that take advantage of the teachable opportunity.

Some parents or those in a parenting role feel that if they do not impose punishments, their child/teen will not understand that their behavior is inappropriate. When a child/teen is punished, they often feel scared, humiliated, and hurt. This overwhelming sense of fear or hurt impacts their relationship with you while also failing to teach them the appropriate behavior. Your child’s/teen’s sense of injustice and anger may increase. Most importantly, your child/teen is likely to miss the lesson you want to emphasize and feel unsafe.

Research confirms that when children/teens learn to identify, understand, and experience big emotions without feeling overcome, they can better manage their behavior, problem-solve, and focus their attention.^1 This directly impacts their school success and ability to follow the rules. Children/Teens need the guidance and support of caring adults to learn these skills.

Many parents or those in a parenting role find respect challenging. Approaching challenging, power-seeking words and actions as teachable moments that grow your child’s/teen’s skills can transform your relationship.

When your eleven-year-old yells that she hates you when frustrated with your “No” response or your thirteen-year-old intentionally creates a mess when angry, these situations are opportunities to transform disrespect.

Today, in the short term, transforming disrespect into learning how to use power and channel anger in healthy ways can create

● a sense of confidence that you can help your child/teen regain calm and focus

● a greater understanding in you of the connection between your child’s/teen’s feelings and their behaviors

● trust in each other that you have the competence to manage your intense feelings

● a growing understanding of rules and expectations

Tomorrow, in the long term, transforming disrespect helps your child/teen

● build skills in self-awareness, self-management, social awareness, relationships, and responsible decision making

● learn independence and...

As a parent or someone in a parenting role, you play a crucial role in your child’s/teen’s success. There are intentional ways to grow a healthy parent-child/teen relationship and ensure that your child/teen develops a healthy relationship with technology.

Technology use has become essential to your child’s/teen’s life and learning in school. It has the potential to play a role in:

● social and emotional development[1]

● language development

● academic learning

● connection to friends, family, and others

● empathy and understanding of others

● imagination

● ability to choose healthy behaviors (preventing high-risk behaviors and unhealthy choices)

Children/teens ages 11-14 are at the very beginning of their teen years and experiencing dramatic shifts with their bodies and emotions, entering puberty full force by age 11. Additionally, they’ll experiment with and learn social skills through forging and prioritizing friendships and peer opinions. They will create more independent relationships with teachers, coaches, and you while beginning or deepening their involvement in extracurricular activities like sports, music, or others.

Yet, technology can pose challenges. Most parents say parenting is more challenging than twenty years ago, and most point to technology as the primary reason.^1 71% of parents with children under 12 said they worry that their children spend too much time on screens. The same number of parents said they fear smartphones could harm their children/teens. Let’s take a deeper look at the screen time habits of this age group:^2

- 11-12-year-olds are on screens an average of five and a half hours per day, and 13-14-year-olds are on screens an average of eight and a half hours per day. Most of this screen time is spent on online video viewing accounts (with a smaller amount viewing YouTube);*

- Boys tend to be on screens longer than girls. ^2

- 38% of 11 and 12-year-olds are on social media.

Children and teens are highly stimulated by technology, and this is often where they connect with friends, so it can become a source of conflict when they need to disconnect and can take away time from family being together and growing intimate connections. Indeed, addiction can be a real threat as those jolts of happy hormones (dopamine) are fueled; infinite scrolling is the norm on social media, and games are programmed to keep them perpetually engaged. Daily, devices can take time away from other critical pursuits for their physical, social, emotional, and cognitive development, such as reading, playing outdoors, unstructured creative time, friend time, homework, and more. The kinds of content that a child/teen can view or stumble into online can range from mildly irritating to disturbing and dangerous, whether it involves repeated consumer messages, cartoon violence, graphic violence, or even pornography. Additionally, children and teens can encounter social aggression and bullying online and through social media, which can hurt uniquely since they can be more publicly exposed than most in-person incidents.

We know that growing a healthy relationship with technology requires regular conversations and a commitment from the whole family to become intentional about their use of technology, including appropriate boundaries and safety practices. Approach this topic with empathy and recognize that the devices and apps are designed to make the...