Épisodes

  • CWC - 10-06-24 - FINAL

    CWC - 10-06-24 - FINAL
    Oct 4 2024

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    43 min
  • Let Them Love You, Continued (9-29-24)

    Let Them Love You, Continued (9-29-24)
    Sep 29 2024

    Do you struggle with letting others love you? Today Cinthia reviews some important concepts about letting others love you. We all need grace, kindness, even smiles; you can receive and give these things. The better your boundaries are, the more loving you can be. Extending grace does not mean the person owes you something. I Corinthians 13, as well as other verses about the love of God, give us a picture of what love means. God is kind; you be kind. Practice kindness toward strangers and toward those close to you, honoring appropriate boundaries; receive kindnesses in the same way.

    Kindness shown does not necessarily mean that one person owes another something. Deciding for others what they are expecting in return is a boundary violation. You do not have to read the minds of others. Don’t allow suspicion to steal from you or from those who try to give you something. It is okay to ask or to offer payment, but, often, the best repayment for someone’s kindness is continuing to live as a changed person. It is okay to just say “thank you.” Don’t insult the giver of a gift because you believe your own negative feelings. If it turns out someone has attached strings without telling you, you can always say, “I am glad you told me. I did not know that you were expecting or needing that. I can/cannot do that.”

    Another piece of love is covering. Covering is a gift of grace; it is different than enabling or keeping harmful secrets. God covers us while we let Him change us, while we work on doing the things He gives us to address. Covering can minimize the damage and allow the person to fix what he or she has broken; it refuses to expose the person while he or she is working on repentance and change. This does not mean that we have to make long checklists of ways the person has to prove themselves and that we have to expose them otherwise. In close relationships, we may need to address situations in which people are not trying to change, but, in general, it is not our business. God is with us as we change and is infinitely patient with our mistakes. Allow those who love you to support you as you learn to be the best version of yourself.

    Love can be scary because we need it so badly. We are wired to attach. But trying to read the minds of others in order to protect ourselves is not as effective as we might think. Learn to be a safe person and to love who God made you to be. Extend kindness and grace to yourself and others, and receive it from those who offer it. There is no promise you will not get hurt, but God is with His people and will take care of you through it.

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    43 min
  • What We Don't Want to Know (9-22-24)

    What We Don't Want to Know (9-22-24)
    Sep 22 2024

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    43 min
  • Accepting Acceptance (9-15-24)

    Accepting Acceptance (9-15-24)
    Sep 15 2024
    Humans deeply need love and acceptance, so it may be surprising that they can have so much trouble accepting it. People may turn away compliments, shut down attempts to get to know them, or reject others before they can be rejected. How can beings who so desperately need relationships with other humans fight so hard against it? Why do people shut down, keep distance, run at the first sign of disagreement, dismiss compliments, or refuse help that would truly make a positive difference in life? The fear of acceptance is often closely bound with the fear of rejection. Accepting the acceptance of another person can feel wrong to someone whose negative core beliefs include beliefs in their own worthlessness, etc. It can feel threatening to someone who fears having the newfound love and acceptance pulled away from them later when more is revealed and vulnerability is increased. Acceptance can also trigger fear of being overwhelmed by another and losing one’s own identity. Good boundaries can allow us to accept love from others more readily. For example, when you know that accepting a compliment does not mean owing the one who gave the compliment, you can simply say, “Thank you!” and take the compliment. Without fearing undisclosed strings, you can reasonably accept appropriate help, gifts, or encouragement; if strings turn out to be attached, you can communicate your wish that this had been made known earlier and can discuss ways to settle things in the present. You can use the information available to make the best decision possible regarding the acceptance of love and help from others. In contrast, constant fear of obligation can lead to dismissing truly well-intentioned and beautiful gifts from others. Knowing yourself and having a foundation for your own identity can enable you to enter relationships with others without that you will lose who you are. Two relationship styles that are rooted in early attachment experiences are avoidant, which involves avoiding intimacy or obligation, and ambivalent, which involves maintaining complicated mental dances and giving “come-here-go-away” messages. A third, known as disorganized, can involve even more extreme defenses against vulnerability and can even become more offensive than defensive. All of these can happen when we learn early to fear the very thing we need: human relationship. If you have difficulty accepting the acceptance of others, begin by accepting yourself. Difficulty accepting yourself can make it hard to trust others who accept you. Engage with God, and ask Him for help to accept the way He made you, as well as to allow Him to change things about you that are not what He originally designed. Regarding the way He made you, accept that you are a created being and that God did not consult you about the way He made you. Nor should He have done so. He likes the way He made you. You can resist it, or you can learn to love what He loves about you. Satan influenced human beings not to revere God as our Creator, but, when we reject the plan of our Creator, we reject ourselves. Accepting God’s will gives us grounds to accept who we actually are, but this can be so difficult to learn to do. So say to God, “I don’t understand why You love me, like me, know how to do this, etc. I need Your help.” We all get hurt. The healthier we get, the more insight and options we have. Be aware of your feelings when you get scared, and be gentle with them. Take a breath. See how it feels to experience acceptance. Recognize your fear of not being able to keep the acceptance. Accept that you are not God, and recognize that the One Who is loves you. Notice the shame operating and remind yourself of the truth. Shame blocks us from seeing and honoring our true feelings. It leaves us thinking we have to be better, and under its influence we may strive to be perfect to avoid drawing more shame. Courageous self-acceptance begins with believing that God is happy with how He made you, and that He paid for your failures with Jesus’s death on the cross, after which He rose from the dead, defeating the shame and death that the cross entailed. The enemy of our souls tries to undo and redo truth, but real truth sets you free. Pursue the truth. Say the truth. Choose to believe the truth. As an adult, you get to choose whether or not to believe the shame. Perfectionism can make it difficult to accept yourself or to trust others who accept you. Remember, perfectionism is not just a quirk or the legitimate pursuit of excellence. Satan was made by God in a way that was perfect, but he did not want to be at the level of a created being. He wanted to be like God, and he harmed everyone with the perfection that had been gifted to him by God. When we indulge in perfectionism, we also harm ourselves and others with our pursuit of being something more than the human beings we are. We try to be...
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    43 min
  • Discernment (9-8-24)

    Discernment (9-8-24)
    Sep 8 2024
    The word “discernment” can have a lot of different meanings; today Cinthia discusses it as the process of determining what God is calling you to do. This can apply to vocation, marriage or singleness, and so many other important questions, and a given person can have several different callings at once (e.g., being married, working a particular job, etc.). Cinthia emphasizes today that God wants us to know what He wants for us and has given us tools for making these decisions. Discernment may seem mysterious at times, but it is more about awareness than any kind of weirdness. God has a call on every life, and He wants us to find that call. He wants us to know why He made us and what we are supposed to be doing on the planet. Discernment is a gift that God gives us, so the first step is to ask God for wisdom, guidance, and help to follow His lead. James 1:5-6 (ESV) says, “If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask God, who gives generously to all without reproach, and it will be given him. But let him ask in faith, with no doubting, for the one who doubts is like a wave of the sea that is driven and tossed by the wind.” God made us, so it is important for each of us to ask Him who we are, why we are here, and what we are supposed to be doing. We need Him to help us know where to go and what to do. Those who crave and revere humility can become like majestic horses in tune with their riders (or, in this case, the Rider), responsive to the least amount of pressure in the desired direction. God has made us with different parts that work together to help us discern where He is leading us. Cinthia discusses these as “the three brains:” the head, the heart, and the gut. The head is our rationality, our logic, the ability to think logistically, practically, and sensibly. The heart is more about emotion and passion; it involves feelings and may give us a sense that we just “have to” follow a particular path. We need to consider both the head and the heart as it can be unwise to trust one without the other. The gut is the third “brain” and tends to be “where truth lies.” It often brings our thoughts and our feelings together and gives us a sense of what to do in the midst of conflicting information from the other two. In fact, Cinthia notes that there is even research that confirms our “gut sense” as an important factor to consider when making decisions. Being aware of one’s own body signals is important because our “three brains” function inside our bodies, and our bodies often give us messages. While there are times when we must act quickly, it is often wise to take time when it is available. The process of sifting through signals from our three brains and understanding what they are saying can take time. Time also allows for the gathering of outside information and experience; there can be clues in our lives that lead us to recognize God is calling us in a particular direction (e.g., things that happen when we were not expecting or looking for them to happen). It may be helpful to talk to others, especially those who are wise. Sometimes it helps to try moving cautiously in a particular direction and see what happens, then re-evaluate. Examining one’s own personal value system is important in this process. We each have a value system, whether we recognize it or not. Each person has a set of principles or ideals that drives his/her actions and decisions. The value system needs to come from all three “brains,” acknowledging the information that comes from them and guiding them further. Cinthia emphasizes, “Your values define your character.” Being intentional about your value system and making decisions that are consistent with that value system will reduce the amount of choices you make purely from impulse or simply for instant gratification. Sometimes we do not like the callings God gives us, at least at first. Cinthia experienced this and found that God had different and better plans for her than her own dreams would have given; she states, “The calling God has on my life was not the one that I chose, and it wasn’t one that, in the beginning, I was very happy about… I would have never known how much I loved it if I would have said no to God.” Living in line with the purposes our Creator has for us is ultimately far more fulfilling than insisting on our own dreams and desires. While there are certainly times when our dreams and desires turn out to be clues to what He wants for us, there are other times when He calls us to surrender those dreams and desires and hear Him say, “I’ve got something for you. I want you to step out and be brave and try it.” Sometimes being grown up means we accept that our fantasies are not meant to happen the way we hoped they would, and we learn to embrace the dreams He has for us instead. Jesus allowed Himself to die on the cross because He was motivated by God...
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    43 min
  • CWC - 9/1/24 - Replay of You Always Have a Choice (9-3-23)

    CWC - 9/1/24 - Replay of You Always Have a Choice (9-3-23)
    Sep 1 2024
    Do you acknowledge the choices you have? You may not always have the choices that you wish you had, but you always have a choice. Today Cinthia discussed what it means to take ownership of your life and the choices you have. Acknowledging your own choices means giving up the option to blame others for the entire direction of your life (although it does not mean accepting blame for things that were not your fault -- In fact, sometimes one of the choices you have is whether to accept and affirm that someone else’s choice was not your fault, however deeply it may have impacted you.). Even people in very tragic situations (e.g., POWs) have choices within their situations, though those choices may be more limited. Victor Frankl wrote about his experiences in German concentration camps; he observed that prisoners who chose to accept their situations but also find meaning in their suffering were more likely to survive the experience. They chose not to accept full victimhood by owning the choices that were theirs; they did not fully surrender their internal freedoms, even when their outward freedoms were horribly taken away and their mental states were affected. When you choose to abdicate your own choices to others, this is also a choice. For example, do you abdicate your mood to others, to society, etc.? Think of all the choices you have in one day. How many do you abdicate? Cinthia discussed the “Wise Choice Process” which involves using a template for the decision-making process. What is your decision-making process? How do you choose? One example has the following steps, which Cinthia illustrated with an example from her own life (i.e., deciding what to do about her anorexia when she was younger): Define the problem. (This step impacts all the others. It includes owning the problem and can sometimes be very uncomfortable. It requires acknowledging reality honestly, as well as separating the symptom from the underlying problem. For example, Cinthia had to recognize that she needed to gain weight in order to stay alive and become healthy. She also had to recognize that this was problem was actually a symptom of a much deeper problem, which was the hostile relationship she had with herself. She did not feel good about herself and was very angry at her own body. She was using food/weight loss to try to mimic feelings of self-worth, gain a sense of power over her own life, get accolades from some others, and manage family dynamics.)Identify limiting factors. (For Cinthia, these include her intense fear of gaining weight, the impossibility of being objective about her own body at that time, difficulty trusting others to help her, not liking various aspects of reality and wanting to create her own, reliance on anorexia nervosa as a kind of empowering friend, enjoyment of the positive social rewards she got from continued weight loss, her own self-talk, aversion to eating around others, etc.; on the other hand, the possibility of death from anorexia represented a much more permanent limitation, one she would encounter if she did not overcome the other limitations.)Develop potential alternatives. (This can involve brainstorming and may sometimes involve others. The proposed solutions may not be perfect but have some kind of potential to move you toward health, though it must also be acknowledge that quick solutions may not ultimately solve the real problem. The discussion must focus on potential solutions to the specific problem, the real problem as identified in step 1. For Cinthia, options included trying to fix the problem on her own, beginning to eat with trusted others, and going into treatment.)Analyze the alternatives. (This may involve getting more information about costs and benefits. It is also a good time to notice any resistance within yourself and what this may tell you about your attachment to the problem; as much as you may hate the problem, it may also be providing you with some benefit or meeting some underlying need that will need to be met in other ways if you make steps toward solving the problem.)Select the best alternative. (Again, you may not have a perfect alternative and may have to decide among imperfect options.)Implement the decision. Cinthia discussed Adam and Eve as the human beings to make choices. God gave them choices, allowing them free will. Adam knew what he was doing even though he could not fully comprehend the outcome. But God also made choices in response to their choices. As Cinthia says, “We fell to hell, and God stopped the drop.” He could have let it go, leaving us to our own destruction, but He did not. Meanwhile, Adam’s sin brought fear, the first negative feeling. We were not originally designed for negative feelings. God also experienced negative feelings in response to our choices, but He was willing to accept different feelings to be in relationship with us, much like parents are willing to feel ...
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    44 min
  • CWC - 8/25/24 - Let Them Love You Replay of (8-13-23 )

    CWC - 8/25/24 - Let Them Love You Replay of (8-13-23 )
    Aug 25 2024
    Do you reject compliments, explaining why you don’t really deserve them? Do you get nervous when someone does something nice for you, turn down offers of help even when you could really use them, or hate the feeling you get when someone forgives you or extends grace and kindness your way? Today’s show is on letting other people love you. It can be scary and humbling to let someone love you and give you grace. The enemy (i.e., Satan) will try to exploit this by encouraging you to think that you are in a one-down position. Sometimes it is easier to accept good things from a stranger because we do not worry there will be an ongoing obligation in the relationship. But grace, kindness, forgiveness, and help are meant to be gifts of honor. Do not insult the person trying to honor you by rejecting that honor. So how do we honor the gifts of love others give us? Well, if we are gifted forgiveness, grace, and covering, change is the best response. Grace helps us have energy to get up again and do it right, to fix what we have broken, to undo what we have done. Allow people to love you when you mess up. Love covers a multitude of sins (I Peter 4:8). Covering often sounds negative to us because we confuse it with toxic secrecy or enabling. The kind of covering that God does for us, however, is not like this; it is a gift of grace meant to protect us while we are working on repentance and change. Think of covering wounds while they heal; we do not just bleed all over the house and allow the wounds to be open and exposed to further harm. We cover wounds appropriately to help them heal. Covering or hiding as a gift of grace means that those who love us choose not to expose our ugliness while we work on repentance and change, knowing that change takes time. God gives more because He has endurance people do not. Covering is not permission to keep deepening the wound; covering is beautiful. If we are given courtesy or help, we can offer a sincere thank-you. Do not insult the person offering good because you are uncomfortable. Give courtesy and graciousness in exchange. Accept the gesture and be grateful for the thought. Good boundaries will help with this; do not try to read the person’s mind or assume their expectations without knowing them. If there is a motive, you are not obligated to recognize it unless they tell you. Unless you have real reason to believe they want something in return (e.g., the person has a history of trying to put you in his/her debt, or there are clear signs of a scam in play), then you cannot read minds to figure it out. You can, however, be nice. You can be polite, gracious, forgiving. “Our Father is kind; you be kind [Luke 6:36, The Message version].” Cinthia continues, “Kindness supports peace, and peace loves to linger. See, peace is a quality that expands. Kindness is a quality that is catching. God is a God of peace. He’s always going to war with the people that are harming us. And there needs to be that protection, and He’s able to restore and protect and to save those that are oppressed, harmed, wounded, injured.” So be gracious in your responses to others, and do not allow suspicion to steal the joy of the gift. If you find later that someone had ulterior motives (e.g., wanted something in return), you can say “no” then. You can say, “I wish you would have told me you were needing/wanting something in return. What can I do?” And if you cannot do what they want, you can tell the person that you will not be able to accept help from him/her in the future. Cinthia discussed I Corinthians 13 and encouraged little ways to give kindness and spread mercy and truth. She also encouraged self-forgiveness, explaining, “The only reason for having baggage is not having attended to it; move on,” and, “You’re going to be able to love deeply if you also forgive yourself.” Finally, Cinthia discussed Attachment Theory, which therapists use to discuss how humans attach, and how the motives behind a tendency to reject love often have to do with fear. She discussed the messages people with avoidant or ambivalent attachment styles can send others, such as, “Come here; go away,” and, “I could take or leave you.” She discussed both fear of rejection and fear of acceptance, explaining that God has made humans to need connection and that our defensive structures try to protect us from the pain of not being connected, as well as the pain of being connected, which is also threatening. Our defensive structures protect us too well; our radars give us false readings. We try to protect ourselves from harm, but we protect ourselves from what we need. There are scary implications for acceptance – fear of relationship, commitment, being loved or wanted, fear of the future, coming to depend on someone and then getting rejected, etc. – But the attempt to avoid this pain and loneliness ...
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    44 min
  • How Much Does Your Pleasure Cost You and Others? (8-18-24 )

    How Much Does Your Pleasure Cost You and Others? (8-18-24 )
    Aug 18 2024
    Today Cinthia talked about the costs and value of pleasure and virtue. In our culture, pursuing pleasure seems to make sense, to be part of living our best life. And pleasure can be a good thing; sometimes it can help us enjoy good things, mitigate pain, etc. But pleasure always has a price. Sometimes pleasure is worth the price, but sometimes it is not. Sometimes pleasure costs us more than we anticipated or acknowledged it would cost, both for us and for those around us. Sometimes, in our attempts to mitigate pain with pleasure, we create more problems and pain. Being willing to cause pain to others in order to secure pleasure for ourselves is called selfishness. Being willing to cause harm to ourselves in order to experience pleasure is problematic, as well, particularly for those who believe human beings were created with value by something bigger than ourselves; harming ourselves also ultimately harms others, as well. Virtue also has a price. Pleasure and virtue each cost us something. Good character understands and respects the price of each. Consider the price and payoff of an addiction, whether a substance addiction or an over-attachment to some other form of pleasure/pain relief, as opposed to the price and payoff of sobriety. Pleasure often masquerades as being exactly what you need in the moment. To what do you cling? Are you addicted to fear, to a feeling, to indulgences like lying? These things collect other things. Virtue is more lasting. Are you willing to pursue virtue? It really matters. What does your presence bring to others? The way we interact with each other matters. God partners with us perfectly even though we do not deserve it. Thank Him for that and for the people who partner with you; learn to be the kind of person you should be even when other people are not doing what they should do. Pay attention to the feedback of those who let you know how you are affecting them; the one who tells you the truth may be your friend. In your relationships and human interactions, do you primarily deduct or deposit? Do you drain the people around you? Do others have to compensate for your emotional draws on a regular basis? Do you primarily take energy or give it? Do people have to recover from being with you, or do you help them recover from the world? Are you part of the harshness in the world? Do you take for granted that others will make up for what you take? Do you show up to the party empty-handed, expecting only to take and never thinking to give? If you tend to take energy from others without realizing it, work on recognizing cues like facial expressions, breathing, etc. Notice what other people are experiencing instead of taking them for granted. We expect children to take without understanding the cost to others because they are learning to participate well in relationships, but we expect adults both to give and to receive. What are you doing for someone else? Do you hijack the conversation and hold it hostage? Do you require constant reassurance from others? Does your presence bring peace, happiness, calm, refreshing? When you show up somewhere, do the people leave feeling better because they talked with you? How do people typically feel about themselves after talking with you? When we consider what to give others, remember that small gestures of kindness or courtesy can give people so much. It is not your job to fix, correct, or “help” everyone around you regardless of whether they want that help. We can do so much for others simply by being kind and courteous to them, which requires managing our own behavior. Start by simply not offending people with coarse words, etc. Consider the words you use and whether they are building or destroying. Remember, words have power to build and destroy. Are you saying the things that need to be said? Are you saying lots of things that are simply unnecessary and unhelpful? For those of us who are Christians, it is especially important to reflect the generosity of God in the way we approach others rather than walking selfishly through the world, taking but not giving. While our salvation comes through believing in Jesus Christ -- His identity as the Son of God, His death on our behalf, and His resurrection – God does want us to do His work while we are on Earth. At the end of our lives we want Him to tell us, “Well done, my good and faithful servant.” We are to be like Him, and He came to serve rather than to be served. Our culture tends to emphasize focusing on what we want our own lives to be like. We can start to think that “being all you can be” means gathering as much pleasure and/or prestige for oneself as possible. II Timothy 3:1-5 describes what people will be like in the last days; are you one of these people? Selfishness is a problem here in our country, and we often justify it or even glorify it. Selfishness messes up ...
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    43 min