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It's Not You

Identifying and Healing from Narcissistic People

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It's Not You

Written by: Ramani Durvasula PhD
Narrated by: Ramani Durvasula PhD
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About this listen

INSTANT NEW YORK TIMES BESTSELLER

From clinical psychologist and expert in narcissistic relationships Dr. Ramani Durvasula, a guide to protecting and healing yourself from the daily harms of narcissism

AN OPEN FIELD PUBLICATION FROM MARIA SHRIVER

It’s not always easy to tell when you’re dealing with a narcissist. One day they draw you in with their confidence and charisma, the next they gaslight you, wreck your self-confidence, and leave you wondering, What could I have done differently?

As Dr. Ramani Durvasula reveals in It's Not You, the answer is: absolutely nothing. Just as a tiger can’t change its stripes, a narcissist won’t stop manipulating and invalidating you. To heal in the aftermath of their abuse and protect yourself from future harm, you first have to accept that you are not to blame.

Deeply compassionate and revelatory, It’s Not You examines how narcissists hijack our wellbeing and offers a healing path forward. Drawing on more than 20 years of studying, teaching, and helping clients navigate the landscape of narcissism, Dr. Durvasula unpacks the oft-misunderstood personality, showing how to identify the telltale signs that you may be dealing with a narcissist and protect yourself from their toxic influence. Along the way, you’ll learn how to become gaslight resistant, chip away at the trauma bonds that keep us stuck in these cycles, grieve the losses, create realistic boundaries, learn the fine art of discernment, and recover your sense of self after years of invalidation.

Healing and thriving after or even during a narcissistic relationship can be challenging, but it is possible. It's Not You shows that the first step is to stop trying to change the narcissistic person, stop blaming yourself, and start giving yourself permission to foster your autonomy and sense of self outside of this relationship.

©2024 Ramani Durvasula (P)2024 Penguin Audio
Abuse Mental Health Parenting & Families Psychology Self-Esteem Narcissism
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What the critics say

“A must read. Dr. Ramani will teach you how to heal from any toxic relationship. With her expert advice based on decades of research and clinical experience, she makes the impossible seem possible.”–Mel Robbins, bestselling author of The High Five Habit and host of The Mel Robbins Podcast

“Dr. Ramani has written the book on narcissism for our times, not simply because it upends everything we thought we knew about this personality, but because it gives real people a sense of hope…that they can heal, that they can move forward from these relationships, that it’s not you.”–Maria Shriver

“In writing It's Not You, Dr. Durvasula directly addresses victims of narcissistic abuse with targeted advice developed through years of clinical experience and research. I would highly recommend this book to anyone struggling in a relationship with a narcissist. Once you realize it's not you who is the problem, you can become the solution.”–W. Keith Campbell, PhD, professor of psychology at the University of Georgia and author of The Narcissism Epidemic

What listeners say about It's Not You

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Wow!! Life Changing!!

The realization of the different classifications of narcissism did not fully prepare me for the realization of just how much has been surrounded by these people and experiences my entire life. This book won’t leave my side longer after I finished reading it and done the long deep self repairfrom way back in my childhood highly recommend

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100000% worth it!!!

This is a book I'll listen to over and over again. So much helpful and insightful information. Straight forward and to the point. I love the work that Dr. Ramani does!

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A great psychological bandage

I have listened to this book together with a lot of other resources from Dr. Ramani and many others as I have gone through my healing. I went through so many other resources that I wasn’t sure I wanted to get it, although it had been advertised in so many interviews with her. But in one of those excruciatingly painful evenings, I decided to take this too. And I am so glad I did. Other resources tell you everything you can possibly learn about narcissism, and that’s great, in fact I think it’s good to have some understanding of narcissism before you read this book. But none brought me the peace and hope that this specific book did…

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An essential read for anyone experiencing the abuse of a Narcissist.

This book does as it sets out to do, not only explain Narcissism, but also what it does to those in relationship with Narcissists, and what to do to get out of the patterns that form within us as a result of narcissistic abuse. Very helpful, will be recommending it!

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Insightful

Great read for anyone interested in learning more about narcissism in general and especially if you have had or continue to have to live with one.

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Just what i needed

New to the world of narcissistic abuse, this book was very telling and validating. A must read for anyone going through this or know of someone you care about going through such abuse

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It feels like this book was specifically written for me.

Great book. It validates your lived experience as a survivor which is a healing step.

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Excellent and helpful advice

This is an excellent and helpful book for survivors and their unique experiences with narcissistic abuse. Highly recommend and easy listening

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it's well laid out and it's informative.

felt very validated. There were a lot of connections with my childhood. Helped me to really understand that it wasn't my fault. I was not nor am I to this day a bad kid. Also helps me to maintain somewhat of a relationship with my narcissistic parent, without being surprised or hurt by their words

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Gives comfort through relatable content

A must read for anyone who has ever experienced narcissistic abuse. It can feel so lonely and confusing, to the point of debilitating sadness and just pain. This not only eases those feelings but provides helpful ways of processing and moving on.

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