Five-year-olds are working on understanding and applying rules in various situations. They are seeking independence and will naturally test limits and break rules. When they do, they require guidance on how to repair harm caused to a relationship or item. This is a normal part of their development and necessary for their learning. Research confirms that children are in the process of developing higher-order thinking skills, such as consequential thinking and linking cause to effect. This directly impacts their school success and ability to take responsibility for their actions as they grow. Children need the guidance and support of caring adults to learn these skills.

Step 1: Get Input- Get Your Child Thinking by Getting Their Input

● You can ask them about how they are feeling.

○ “I noticed your face got red. So, when you said unkind things to your sister, were you frustrated?”

○ “I saw your friend leave you to play with someone else at the playground. I wonder if you are feeling sad?”

● You can also ask them about how they think others might be feeling.

○ “Your sister cried when you said those unkind words to her. How might she be feeling?”

○ “When your friend didn’t get to take their turn, how do you think they were feeling?”

○ “When you said that to me, how do you think that made me feel?”

Trap: Avoid letting the question turn into an accusation. Remember to stay calm and that the goal of the question is to help your child uncover feelings.

Step 2: Teach New Skills

● Understanding your own feelings and behaviors when your child misbehaves is a great way to start. It will help you know what your child is learning to do.

● Model behaviors (and your children will notice and learn!).

● Teach positive behaviors. Children need to learn the positive behavior that can replace inappropriate behavior.

● Create a calm-down plan. “What helps you feel better when you're sad, mad, or hurt?”

● Practice deep breathing to calm down.

● Brainstorm coping strategies and make a list together, such as hugging a pillow, reading a favorite book, walking outside, getting a glass of water, or listening to music.

● Work on your family feelings vocabulary. Use specific feelings words to describe your state of mind and help your child describe theirs.

● Teach assertive communication through I-messages such as “I feel _________(insert feeling word) when you______ (name the words or actions that upset you) because__________.” “I feel sad when you say hurtful things to your brother because it hurts his feelings.”

Tip: Deep breathing removes the chemical that has flowed over your brain, allowing you to regain access to your creativity, language, and logic rather than staying stuck in your primal brain. Practicing deep breathing with your child can offer them a powerful tool anytime, anywhere, when they feel overwhelmed with heated emotions.

Tip: Play feelings-guessing games with the family. At a meal, share facial expressions showing a range of emotions and guess which they are.

Trap: Though it can sometimes feel like it, there are no “bad”...

Five-year-olds seek independence and will naturally test limits and break rules. When they feel powerless and angry, they can lash out in ways that show disrespect for others. Though this is a normal part of their development and necessary for their learning, it can anger or worry a caring parent or someone in a parenting role. You can transform these moments into vital opportunities to teach children healthy and respectful alternatives.

Step 1: Get Input- Get Your Child Thinking by Getting Their Input

● Ask yourself, “Does my child have an unmet need?” Perhaps they are hungry or tired, need attention, or need downtime.

● Check on how you are feeling. If you are angry, frustrated, or overwhelmed, you may need to take a few minutes to collect yourself before engaging your child.

● Ask your child how they are feeling. “I notice your face is red. Are you feeling frustrated?” Or “I saw your friend leave to go play with someone else. I wonder if you are feeling sad?”

● Use your best listening skills.

Trap: Be sure you talk about disrespect at a calm time when you are not stressed or upset!

Step 2: Teach New Skills

● Learn together! Transforming disrespect requires dealing with challenging feelings in healthy ways and learning constructive ways to use and share power.

● Model respectful words and actions, and your children will notice and learn!

● Work on your family feelings vocabulary.

● Create a calm-down plan.

● Practice deep breathing to calm down.

● Teach assertive communication through I-messages such as “I feel _________(insert feeling word) when you______ (name the words or actions that upset you) because__________.”

● Teach your child positive ways to seek control or power.

● Teach your child to repair harm.

● End the day with love. Often, when a child acts disrespectfully they feel bad about themselves; spend one-on-one time with your child to remind them they are loved no matter their choices.

Tip: Create a signal you can use when you, your child, or both are overwhelmed by challenging feelings. You might say, “I need a minute!” or “Code red!” Practice using it so that it becomes a habit to pause when angry or upset before responding.

Step 3: Practice to Grow Skill and Develop Habits

● Accept feelings (even ones you don’t like!): “I hear you’re upset. What can you do to help yourself feel better?”

● Use “Show me…” statements like “Show me how you can make a good choice when you talk to your sister.”

● Offer limited and authentic choices. “Do you want to do homework at the kitchen counter or the dining room table?”

● Share power through turn-taking or cooperative decision making as a family.

● Practice deep breathing. This is a simple practice your child can use to assist themselves anytime, anywhere.

● Follow through on repairing harm.

● Proactively remind:...

Chores allow your child to contribute to maintaining and caring for your family’s household. Daily chores allow your child to learn and practice valuable skills like timeliness, work ethic, and responsibility.

Tip: These steps are done best when you and your child are not tired or in a rush.

Tip: Intentional communication and a healthy parenting relationship support these steps.

Step 1: Get Input- Get Your Child Thinking by Getting Their Input

Consider what chores need to be done. You might start by thinking through the rooms in the house, beginning with your child’s room.

● “What must we do in your bedroom to keep it clean and ready to use?”

● “How should we deal with dirty clothes and prepare clean clothes for school?”

● “When and how do we prepare and eat family dinner together?”

● “When we are finished playing, how do we leave our play areas?”

Tip: For 5-7-year-olds, Get paper and markers and have your child write down their ideas in response to the above questions. Consult the developmentally appropriate list of chores (see full tool) for ideas. For 8-10-year-olds, create a checklist together of your household responsibility plan on a whiteboard or chalkboard.

Trap: Be sure to create your plan at a calm time. Don’t create your plan when you are in the routine, hungry or tired, or under time pressure.

Step 2: Teach New Skills

● Say what you will model and why. Model it. “Watch how I play, waiter. You can try it after me!”

● Ask your child what they noticed: “What did you notice when I acted like a waiter?”

● Invite your child to model: “Okay, it's your turn to pretend to be the waiter.”

● Ask what they noticed with their modeling: “What did you notice when you did it?”

● Practice together: “Let’s both be waiters. I’ll set the napkins down, and you place the silverware.”

● Provide specific feedback starting with strengths using “I notice…” statements like, “I noticed you handled the silverware carefully -- terrific! When you put the napkins down, count so that each person gets one.”

Tip: Be certain and pick a time to do this when you do not have time pressures.

Tip: Remember that children learn through play. Play act like you would a game.

Trap: Requiring a child to do a household task before teaching first is bound to create problems. Your child may not feel competent enough to do the job without teaching. Take the time to teach the new job before incorporating it into their routine!

Step 3: Practice to Grow Skill and Develop Habits

● Use “Show me…” statements like, “Show me how you make your bed.”

● Proactively remind: “Remember our next step? What is it?”

Step 4: Support Your Child's Development and Success

● Ask key questions: “How are you feeling when it’s time to clean up? Do you know where everything goes?”

● Recognize effort by using “I notice” statements...