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Avoidant

How to Love (or Leave) a Dismissive Partner

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Avoidant

Written by: Jeb Kinnison
Narrated by: Joe Farinacci
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About this listen

Jeb Kinnison's previous book on finding a good partner by understanding attachment types (Bad Boyfriends: Using Attachment Theory to Avoid Mr. (or Ms.) Wrong and Make You a Better Partner) brought lots of people to JebKinnison.com, where the most asked-about topic was how to deal with avoidant lovers and spouses. There are many now in troubled marriages who are looking for help, as well as people already invested in a relationship short of marriage who'd like help deciding if they should stick with it.

People in relationships with avoidants struggle with their lack of responsiveness and inability to tolerate real intimacy. Relationships between an avoidant and a partner of another attachment type are the largest group of unhappy relationships, and people who love their partners and who may have started families and had children with an avoidant will work very hard to try to make their relationships work better, out of love for their partner and children as well as their own happiness. The avoidants in these relationships are more than likely unhappy with the situation as well - retreating into their shells and feeling harassed for being asked to respond with positive feeling when they have little to give.

The other reason why so many people are looking for help on this topic is that it is an almost impossible problem. Couples counsellors rarely have the time or knowledge to work with an avoidant and will often advise the spouse to give up on a dismissive, especially, whose lack of responsiveness looks like cruelty or contempt (and sometimes it is).

Yet there is some hope - though it may take years and require educating the avoidant on the patterns of good couples communication; if both partners want to change their patterns toward more secure and satisfying models, it can be done.

©2014 Jeb Kinnison (P)2015 Jeb Kinnison
Love & Romance Psychology Marriage Romance Mental Health Young Adult
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Validating but also a bit discouraging

My partner is avoidant and I am anxious but leaning secure. I got this book to better understand him. The author goes off on a bit of an unexpected tangent about men's rights and female abusers. His point was valid but his examples not super great or relevant. Also found some things really negative compared to other books, but maybe he's just not sugar coating things. I don't count it as a criticism, more a warning if you feel sensitive. As with many books on avoidant the messaging seems to be just give them the space, but assumes the person is also doing the work or you're leaving. There's so much nuance and gray area, I found this one a bit too black or white for my personal situation...but maybe that's exactly what someone else actually needs from these books.

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Best Book on Dismissive Attachment

I have read many books on attachment and this is by far the best at explaining types of attachment and giving lists of behaviors. If you want help in your relationships or help counseling, this is the book to buy.

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awesome read!

love this book! helped me better understand different attachment types in love relationships and self.

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